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Marriage Split - Planned Weekend Away - Quick Straw Poll

(17 Posts)
WWYD2016 Wed 23-Mar-16 09:35:00

DH, I and 3 x DC have planned a Bank Holiday weekend away to visit family in another town.
DH and I decided to seperate last night.
Haven't talked this morning as getting ready for work/school etc but I am sure the atmosphere this evening will be sedate.
Haven't told the kids, plan to work out exit strategy first.
We will be camping down at relatives home.
I'm torn as to go on the weekend, so need your advice, my gut instinct says I should go;
1. May be the last time I'll see his extended family
2. I know my kids and they won't want to go without me which will cause friction I'd rather avoid
3. It may help DH and I to reflect if we're together 'having fun'
4. I could do with a rest and a think, being home alone for 3 whole days

iyamehooru Wed 23-Mar-16 09:37:47

Been there, done that. I'd say go, try and have a nice time and come back and finalise the nitty gritty. Best of luck X

firesidechat Wed 23-Mar-16 09:39:27

You don't sound entirely sure whether you are breaking up or not. If you are committed to the split then it will be awkward and if you aren't then a weekend away together would be more helpful, not spending it with the in laws. Either way I probably wouldn't go unless you all have excellent acting skills.

WWYD2016 Wed 23-Mar-16 11:10:19

The reason it may not come across as we're 'sure' is because we do actually love each other but our relationship runs in an annual cycle of its good, its getting bad, its bad but this is the first time we've said it's over and neither of us have a shed a tear, well I haven't and I haven't seen him cry. Our issues are small, but always unresolved and no strategy ever agreed. We are 'both' right and are so convinced it makes compromise impossible, its exhausting and we've both run out of energy on the marriage hamster wheel.
Before anyone kindly suggests marriage counselling, its not going to happen, we went 8 years ago, I know he wouldn't go again.

WWYD2016 Wed 23-Mar-16 13:52:20

Bumping for traffic

InstinctivelyITry Wed 23-Mar-16 14:12:00

I think I would go if things are currently amicable. I'm in a similar situation to you and have found myself keeping up appearances a fair bit.

Less so now because we have actively separated.

Could you split the weekend and go home on your own in second half by yourself?

bananapeanut Wed 23-Mar-16 14:20:19

If you love each other why are you splitting?

firesidechat Wed 23-Mar-16 15:28:49

So do you both want to end the marriage or just him? I only ask because you say he is refusing to do marriage counselling. I can only assume from what you say that your personalities are making the marriage unworkable in the long term.

WWYD2016 Wed 23-Mar-16 21:07:15

I haven't asked him to attend counselling, we've done it once, I know he won't do it a second time.
We're splitting because our communication and response to each others needs is shit, we can joke till the sun comes up but communicating needs ends up in a row, every time, our arguments have been the same arguments for 12 years, I kid you not, but neither of us seem capable of offering what the other needs, it's most frustrating.

pocketsaviour Wed 23-Mar-16 21:43:40

There is no way in hell I'd go. Stuck for 4 days playing nice, keeping up a facade in front of in-laws and kids? NOPE THANK YOU I WILL STAY AT HOME.

newname99 Wed 23-Mar-16 22:15:38

What are the arguments about? A marriage doesn't need agreements all the time but you do need a willingness to 'agree to disagree'.

Seems like you could be in a pwer struggle which might be a pattern you take into other relationships..I e change the partner but same relationship issue.

If you can't make counselling work what about relationship books?

anontoday23 Thu 24-Mar-16 04:23:39

Definitely go, you obviously don't hate each other and no one has done anything 'bad' and it sounds like you could have had the conversation this week or next week, or a few months ago - so don't let the fact it happened now stop a planned weekend away. Ultimately the most important reason I would go is for the kids. No need to ruin their weekend especially as it doesn't sound like you and dh will have any issues getting along ok for a few more days. There is no need to take extreme 'we are never going to do anything together ever again' action - plenty of people who are divorced / separating still spend time together for the kids- myself included. I just don't think a few days away is a big deal and cancelling it just seems an over reaction in my opinion given there hasn't been a big catalyst for the split eg discovery of an affair or something.

WWYD2016 Thu 24-Mar-16 09:18:43

anontoday23 that was what my gut feeling was saying, however, at bedtime last night he said he'd prefer if I didn't come, I told him I'd like to as the kids are looking forward to it and it may be the last time I see his extended family, it's likely the kids will feel torn and some may wanna stay home with me. He said, if they wanna stay home he's not going to force them to go. I didn't say much else at the time but this morning I feel sad. We're conversing politely and without friction. A part of me thinks perhaps a weekend apart and equally together may offer us time to reflect, urgh it's so bloomin' confusing. I just don't know whether I truly want to be seperated from him or its fear of being a single mom wanting me to hang on.

BoyGirlBoy3 Thu 24-Mar-16 09:23:23

It depends if your children are looking forward to it,

if yes, then go as they have enough unhappiness coming

if no, then don't go as its unfair on his family really, they will feel deceived when you have only been playing happy families this easter

BoyGirlBoy3 Thu 24-Mar-16 09:25:51

Also what are you not agreeing on, me and my husband can't agree on anything!

evelynj Thu 24-Mar-16 09:36:17

I think you should go but not sure if you should split up. Nobody has a perfect marriage and lots of men ime are particularly shit at communicating. Could you go for a couple of days and leave them on a pretext a day or two early to 'help a friend' or something?

When you break the news to the dc they may find it easier if you tell them you'd decided before this and they can then reflect on you still getting along and having had a nice time at Easter, so that may give them a bit more hope for the future

Winniethewylde Thu 24-Mar-16 13:43:54

I'm in the don't go camp I'm afraid. I had this exact situation last summer. DH and I had just separated but we had a holiday booked with friends. I posted here and was categorically told I shouldn't go. I did go and it was hell on earth. I couldn't wait to get home and I filed for divorce as soon as we did. The only positive that came out of it was that it concreted in my mind that i was definitely doing the right thing.

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