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Emotional abuse - how to get away

(17 Posts)
MLGs Tue 22-Mar-16 11:18:35

I thought about name changing but haven't bothered.

I have technically separated from my EA husband (i.e. we have said we are no longer in a relationship) but we are still living in the same house. Why I thought this would be a good idea I don't know, as it just gives him freedom to come and go as he likes while still putting me through the emotional wringer.

He has been EA for years. I've been reading Lundy Bancroft's book, and he is a combination of the Water Torturer, Demand man and Mr Right.

I don't know how to get away.

When we talk about separating properly and selling our house etc, he always wants to approach it in a stroppy way, saying "right let's put the house on the market" and so forth, and "I'm going to file for divorce right now". How can we put the house on the market before we have sorted out where everybody will go?

This morning he has created an absolutely freezing atmosphere in the house which the children both noticed, ignoring me completely but also trying to slowly wind me up. Having a go at my plans to go to a meeting tonight and out for a late drink tomorrow, and then having a go at me about where his personal tupperware is.

Sending me abusive messages after he has left the house.

I have mountains of work to do today and so upset I haven't been able to get on with any of it. I am going to lose my main source of work if I don't get it done but now just feel emotionally numb and exhausted due to crying for hours after getting kids to school and nursery.

I don't want to be here alone when he gets back. Should I try to get my Dad to be here with me or should I pick up the kids and go to my parents, thus leaving him with the house and all our stuff, which is what he wants?

Help me.

Summerlovinf Tue 22-Mar-16 11:32:25

Sounds like you do need to start making plans for a full separation - i.e. work out where you will move to once the house is sold and start the process of selling house and initiating the divorce. I think perhaps it's his threatening tone about these things that is putting you off but if you agree to them then that will get the ball rolling. If you feel you are unsafe in his company then yes, get out before he gets home. But if you are safe then you might want to stay and start initiating plans for selling house and moving on.

MLGs Tue 22-Mar-16 16:01:48

Thanks summeroflovinf. It is the way he approaches it that is putting me off - I want to approach things calmly but it's the way he approaches it and his threatening tone that confuses me. Of course I want to get out and separate properly, I just wanted it done in a way that wouldn't cause too much upset.

I know I haven't given examples of how he is EA here, there are too many.

I have started threads about him before in AIBU - one where my name was yearoftheferrari, and I forget re the other one.

MLGs Tue 22-Mar-16 16:04:51

This one:

and this one

I would love some more replies.

Summerlovinf Wed 23-Mar-16 10:03:16

If he's not been reasonable before, why expect him to be reasonable now? Try taking things into your own hands. Also, counselling could help you separate yourself and your feelings from being so tied up with his.

springydaffs Wed 23-Mar-16 11:01:17

Have you contacted Womens Aid? 0808 2000 247 (call at night because lines busy during the day). You will get concrete advice and support.

afaiia you file for divorce and all the practicals get sorted out along the way. He wouldn't get the house and the contents: you are married and you'd get at least 50%, possibly also the house until the youngest is 18.

Also do the Freedom Programme - I have linked you to the 'find a course' page to find a course near you. I can't recommend it highly enough.

Are you physically afraid of him? eg he 'made the house cold this morning' - what would have happened if you turned on the heating/turned up the thermostat?

springydaffs Wed 23-Mar-16 11:03:20

You've got to get tough op. He's vicious and intends to continue to be vicious. He won't be calm, or decent, or kind, or behave normally - you've seen enough evidence of that.

The Freedom Programme will really help you to get your head straight. Plus you'll get a lot of support from other (lovely, ordinary) women in the same, or similar, position.

MLGs Wed 23-Mar-16 11:49:35

Hi both. Thank you for your replies. I have tried phoning women's aid but only during the day because I have been on my own then. I have registered for the freedom programme online, and have started that, but want to take my time over it.

Also, I have been referred for some counselling and had an initial assessment today, so I think that may help me.

Re making it cold, I actually meant a freezing atmosphere, not physically freezing. Sorry for the confusion. However, you still make a point that if he had wanted the heating set at a different level than I wanted, he would get very sulky and difficult if I expressed my point of view.

So, he has been trying to make up with me last night and this morning, apologising etc. But still veering between saying "I think we should get back together" (not going to happen) and "When we sell the house we should...."

Also, his way of trying to be friendly this morning was waking both me and DD up an hour before we needed to get up to say "oh I love you" and all that sort of thing, which is actually really really annoying. She couldn't get back to sleep at all, and went off to watch TV (she is 7). I did get back to sleep because I was exhausted but could really have done without that interruption.

springydaffs Wed 23-Mar-16 12:16:02

I really would recommend you attend the Freedom Programme. Makes a crucial difference. yy knowledge is power BUT those of us in abusive relationships have been brainwashed - it takes/can take RL to break that , not just knowledge. We can get sated with info - and beat ourselves up because we're not actually implementing it.

I'm not saying the FP online is useless - just that RL does it somehow in a way that information doesn't iyswim.

You could email WA and ask them to call you at a specified time. Again, this is RL (even if over the phone) and progress tends to be swift.

springydaffs Wed 23-Mar-16 12:16:48

Personal and actual progress, that is

MLGs Wed 23-Mar-16 12:27:35

Thanks. I did leave messages for WA to call me back but they haven't.

I will try to attend FP in real life - I do take the point about needed to see someone in RL.

Thanks again springydaffs.

springydaffs Wed 23-Mar-16 13:14:21

Oh I'm sorry to hear that about WA . Funding cuts of course, maybe they haven't got the px and it's taking longer to get back to you? When did you contact them?

MLGs Wed 23-Mar-16 13:37:06

Only yesterday. Will maybe try again tonight.

springydaffs Wed 23-Mar-16 16:37:10

Ah, well, it'll take them a while to get back to you (backlog and all). If your situation is urgent (ie your life is at risk) they'll get back pronto I assume. Give it a few days at least.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 23-Mar-16 16:48:39

As the national freephone service which is run in conjunction with Refuge is frequently oversubscribed, you're best advised to find your nearest Women's Aid service here and make contact during the hours stated.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 23-Mar-16 16:50:01

Whoops... this the correct link

MLGs Wed 23-Mar-16 22:01:26


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