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in laws trying to do something nice but

(17 Posts)
Chamonix1 Sun 20-Mar-16 17:51:19

I don't want to accept it! They have a habit of doing things and then saying "we did this for you so you should do x,y and z for us" and just using it against us in the future.
Many a time mumsnetters have called my mil a narc and her husband her enabler etc and I'm concerned the "gift" of a weeks holiday (without them) will eventually come back to bite us in the ass.
Here's the thing I don't know how to say "thanks but no thanks" with out seeming ungrateful. I'm yet again worrying about another fall out if we don't accept the offer with lots of thank you's, meals out, cards and shit as to not seem ungrateful.
Maybe it is just a nice offer but I don't feel comfortable about it, especially the money side of things.

Chamonix1 Sun 20-Mar-16 17:53:35

Posted to soon- basically need advice/ an excuse. They know we haven't booked anything as have been asking about our summer holiday plans and I'm unsure how to decline their offer with out getting myself put into the ungrateful dil box. Any advice appreciated.

SmallBee Sun 20-Mar-16 17:54:45

What does your OH think?

Is there anyway you could ' accept' the weeks holiday but then just never ever get around to booking it? That way you've avoided the difficult conversation but you're not really accepting it until it's booked?

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast Sun 20-Mar-16 17:56:00

No thank-you, I don't want to be beholden to you, I know you wouldn't expect me to be, but I would end up feeling obligeted to you and that's just uncomfortable for both of us

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast Sun 20-Mar-16 17:56:29


Chamonix1 Sun 20-Mar-16 18:00:57

Dh isn't fussed about going. We had planned to take a week off to do nice things with dd as she's only 3 and isn't fussed about going away as of yet. Says he knows why I don't want to do and understands but in the same mind thinks hey free holiday.
Nothing's ever free, not when it comes to his parents!

Chamonix1 Sun 20-Mar-16 18:02:30

I thought about casually saying that'd be lovely, thanks and just being too busy but they are very persists ant human beings. Could we just say we don't feel comfortable accepting bribes such a large gift off them but that we are very appreciative of the thought? Would that upset normal people?

Chamonix1 Sun 20-Mar-16 18:03:08

No idea where "bribes" came from hmm

Aussiebean Sun 20-Mar-16 18:45:13

How about

Thanks for the lovely offer. We haven't really thought about what or if we are going to do anything this summer. If we do decide to, we will let you know.

Repeat- not really thought about it. Will let you know.

Haven't come up with anything, will let you know.

Then never ever let them know.

Chamonix1 Sun 20-Mar-16 18:47:59

Yes aussibean that's probably worth a go, but They'll probably say we are being thoughtless to not let them
Know about their offer etc, and will hound us until we find something.
I think we'll just have to say it's a lovely thought but we aren't sure we will have the time off and it's a lot to give and they don't need to etc.
Just hope they get the message.

Beachlovingirl Sun 20-Mar-16 18:53:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot Sun 20-Mar-16 18:56:11

Why isn't your DH responding to them? Just to say no thanks, whilst dd is so little you'd rather save (their) money and have a staycation. More fun for everyone. Why is this on you to accept or decline?

Chamonix1 Sun 20-Mar-16 18:59:21

Dh will respond but I'm trying to work out what we say. He inevitably will ask me what to say as he doesn't know how to deal with them.
They've done this before with a. "Free" cruise (they went too) it cost us so much with spending money and new clothes for posh evenings it was a nightmare and they threw it all in our face anyway.
I've told dh I don't want to go I think you're right I should leave it to him.

CoraPirbright Sun 20-Mar-16 19:03:44

Could you claim that you can't get time off work to coincide with each other due to some horrendous under-staffing/work diary cock-up/horrible boss situation?

Then it can all magically free up at the last moment - you can tell them on the Sunday evening that you have finally managed to both be free the following week which will be too late to book anything?

sohelpmegoad Sun 20-Mar-16 19:04:05

I had this with my ILs, they "gave" us a holiday as my DH had been ill,
we had to stay with them before we left and they went absolutely OTT batty when I refused to stay again on the way back after they picked us up from the
airport. They seemed to think that by paying for the holiday , they could dictate what we did.
Refusing to stay was well worth it, My delightful MIL decided that I wasn't allowed to stay at her house ever again, win win for me!!! Im not sure she ever got that I wasn't devastated by her decision.

RandomMess Sun 20-Mar-16 19:04:13

"No thanks, if we do decide to go away we'd rather book and pay for it ourselves"

Genx77 Sun 20-Mar-16 19:19:55

Ah, I've had this! All dressed up in the guise of 'doing something nice' but comes back to bite you in the arse......
My MIL booked a very expensive holiday to Dubai for me and DH, when I was 5 months pregnant. The catch? She booked it for when the baby would be 6 months old, baby wasn't booked on the holiday, no no no, she would have the baby all to herself while she waved us off at the airport......needless to say it never happened, even now (ds is 3) she still, EVERY time she comes over, makes snidey remarks to him about 'oh what a mummy's boy you are' and 'you just can't leave your mummy alone can you'.......

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