Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I thought I was ok but I'm not

(7 Posts)
misszp Fri 18-Mar-16 15:49:55

So today I have moved my stuff out of the home I shared with my ex partner for three years. We had been together for over 6, and been through so much together.

The break up has been to say the least, really fucking tough emotionally and psychically on both of us (as I'm sure most relationship break ups are on anyone).

I've had my ups and downs the past few weeks whilst everything has kinda been finalised and mulled over (even though we both knew there was no going back). However having now officially moved everything today, I feel like I've gone ten rounds with Tyson. I'm absolutely floored. I thought I had dealt with this, yet there's this big gaping wound leaking blood everywhere right now, and I'm not entirely sure how to patch it up just enough for now until it starts to heal.

I'm keeping busy, I'm seeing friends, I have support, work are understanding. But this has literally ripped me to shreds. We didn't end because we hated each other. We still care for each other. We still love each other. But emotionally we just are not compatible and it drove a wedge between us that we just could not get over. We talked. We tried to action stuff. We tried to compromise. He tried to deal with his internal demons, he doesn't know how to (and yes he does have some from, no excuses). I won't go into too much detail as it's not needed.

We didn't want to continue and end up hating each other. We wanted to remember each other for good memories, we didn't want to wear each other down anymore, because we knew we didn't know how to, as things stand today, work through our differences. I have no doubt that the break up was because of incompatibleness, there was no lying, cheating, other people. And I don't need to be told that 'love conquers all' because I've swiftly learnt that it bloody doesn't and it's such a heartbreaking realisation sad in fact we've walked away because we DO love each other enough to know we aren't right together.

By god he does have his faults too, so why can't I see them right now? Why can I only see him for all his good? I've done the list writing thing, many many times!!!

To those women with children and marriage and decades with your partner under your belt- I genuinely salute your bravery to move past things like this because even this is horrendous after 6 years!

I'm receiving counselling too, for my own issues, which I think will help... But seriously how do you move on when it all ends like this? I'm aching for him, yet I know it's not what I need sad

Twitterqueen Fri 18-Mar-16 15:54:39

All the cliches are true:
Time is a great healer.
It will get easier with time.
Time heals all ills.

Every day will be just that little bit easier than the last one. Honestly. flowers

misszp Fri 18-Mar-16 16:15:15

Thank you twitterqueen. It's so hard though because we care about each other tremendously but know long term it's the best decision. It's cutting off emotions on both sides, not just because one of us wants out. Neither of us really wanted out. We just were not compatible 😞

We are both struggling to hold strong that it IS right for us (believe me I know it is deep down). How do I stay strong in those moments?

Applecrumbling Fri 18-Mar-16 16:15:38

It takes a long time and you're only in the very early stages.. It's like a grief.. Eventually a new life will unfold and you will come to terms with it. At some point you may consider dating again. Be thankful you can make a clean break as no children are involved. Get yourself out there slowly and take good care of yourself. Ride the ups and downs.. Take pride in your new place. All this will come eventually.. Keep strong and remind yourself of the reasons you came to the decision.

smilingeyes79 Fri 18-Mar-16 16:33:37

An old lady once told me healing takes ages .. about a month for each year you've been together.
Time, space and friends are a great combinations. You'll have lots of firsts your going to experience without him now but try and use that to make new memories.
Stay strong

Zaurak Fri 18-Mar-16 21:55:03

Be kind to yourself. You've hit the point where all the adrenaline of the desicion has gone and you're unsure of your future direction. That's a bleak moment - for me I think it was the worst. It gets better from here, I promise.

See it as grieving. For the future you thought you had. It's ok to feel grief for that, no matter how justified the breakup. I think a lot of people confuse it with remorse, then they think they've made the wrong decision in leaving.

Anyway, time really is a great healer, sounds naff but it's true. And be kind to yourself - that's the best advice I've ever had.

misszp Sat 19-Mar-16 07:21:40

I'm really struggling today. So so bad that I barely want to pull myself out of bed.

I'm aware of the grief cycle and so totally relate to those of you who have mentioned it, thank you. I'm currently bouncing back and forth between more than one phase which makes this all the worse- there's no pattern or consistency in my moods and I'm so so tired from that alone.

Zaurak- totally right I have been on autopilot and running on adrenalin. Now it's all over I actually feel very empty and panicked about 'what next'. There's this huge void and no vision as of yet of the future. I feel like I'm just floating in the now.

I'm trying to ride this out but I don't know how. The issue is there IS remorse there as well as grief. We both wish we could have sorted it, we both wish things turned out differently but we had tread the same path for so long sad

I need to remind myself WHY this decision is for the best. Yes we had a lovely home, a great connection and friendship and some amazing times, but there was also some less favourable traits and I need to remember them as it was ultimately those which made us incompatible.

It really fucking hurts and I have so many unanswered questions still sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now