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Cheating spouse

(42 Posts)
Tess54 Mon 14-Mar-16 13:07:14

I don’t really know where to start but after reading some similar stories on here, here goes!
My husband of 4 years has cheated on me. We have been together in total for 11 years. Although we have both been married before, me once him twice, we were both single when we met. I knew my husbands first wife cheated on him and he cheated on his second wife.
As most people say who have been cheated on, my husband really is a kind and loving man and I know he loves me.
So here’s the story:
September 2015 I receive a message on the answerphone saying I have your husbands baby! Obviously I confronted him straight away and he admitted it at once. I honestly cannot believe how calm I was, to be honest deep down I knew something was wrong for some time but buried my head. He confessed he met her on a ‘porn’ web site and they had been talking for some time before he went to her house. It was a fetish thing, something he thought I would find degrading!!! It lasted 6 months and he only went to her place, he never took her out on dates. This is true as he never ‘went missing’ in the evenings or weekends. Apparently they fell out for a short time, I don’t know what about but then ‘got back together’. She told him she couldn’t have children so he never used a condom!! Buy hey ho, she got pregnant. As soon as she became pregnant he ended the relationship (he has shown me the texts and emails) . He has had a dna and yes its his kid (he has no other kids, I have 2 grown up kids from my previous marriage). He is supporting the child but wants no contact. At first, after the child was born, she threatened to put the child up for adoption or kill herself if my husband would not leave me and live with her. He has assured me he does not want her nor any contact with the child. He wants to save our marriage and realises what a &&&& he has been. Recently we found an advert from this woman on the internet seeking a sperm donor or co parent and stating as she couldn’t find one, she is now going to go and find any man for his sperm, and boy did she. We have a screen shot of this. I am not putting all the blame on her its 50/50. Whether she could have a baby or not he still should of used a condom. But really he should never of done this in the first place. We have good jobs, nice home and a relationship that many friends are jealous of – if only they knew! After lots of tears and talking I decided to try and put this away. I can never forget and never forgive, and this he knows. I can honestly say I know he is remorseful. I gave him the option to walk away from our marriage and if not to be with this woman then to at least see the child (I cannot be in his life if he chose this option) but he was adamant it was me he wants. This woman knew he was in a relationship but he never told her he was married until after the baby was born. The child will be 1 in May. He was 53 and she was 34.
During our relationship we have had many troublesome times. Including bereavement of parents, money and business worries, and a court case due to some financial problems. All this is now sorted and I thought we could now get on with our lives but no this bomb shell happens.
Our sex life became non existent for over 2 years and he spent most of his time upstairs on the computer and I would be downstairs, now I know why! He has now binned the computer and uses my laptop in front of me. I have also been going through the menopause and even though we still told each other every day we loved each other, there was no intimacy apart from a peck on the cheek, night and morning.
This my say odd, but when I discovered the affair, I wanted sex with him and oh boy ever since we cant get enough of each other, just like it used to me. But its also so intimate between each other and sensual. We can both see where we got stuck in a rut. It is still no excuse for what he did, as I NEVER strayed when the going got tough!
When I ask him questions about her or the affair he does answer me and I know he’s uncomfortable but I enjoy watching him squirm. He’s around now when I am watching the soaps which seem to be about affairs or dna tests!
Just these past couple of weeks though I cannot get it out of my head 24 hours a day what he has done to me and I hate him! But I love him. I keep imagining them together, I didn’t ask, and don’t want to ask what they did together although I have a bloody good idea. Then I start imagining things, did he do this, did he do that. When I see a little girl I think, my husband has one of those. What happens if she comes knocking on the door in 16 years time…… my head is spinning with it all.
One minute I want to save my marriage the next I want to ask for a divorce. I am saving up an emergency fund just in case. Then I am looking at properties and thinking can I afford to buy on my own. What would I be entitled to it I divorced him. So much is going round my head! The monthly payment out of our bank is a constant reminder too! Hopefully when he retires in 4 years the payments will reduce. I know this sounds cold from me but he will get a tax free lump sum on retirement and I just hope she cannot claim some of that. I know he will still pay a percentage from his private pension each month but the payment will reduce significantly. He did ask her rather than pay through the child maintenance people that he would put £30k in a trust for the child but she refused saying she had already set up a trust! I don’t think so, no disrespect, a single mum in a council flat, although now it seems the council are giving her a house! Bitter, damn right I am!!
Is he a bad person for not having anything to do with the child…
We have talked about relate and he would go but I know he feels so embarrassed. I don’t know If I would want to go either. No one but my best friend knows about this. He doesn’t even know she knows.

Vixxfacee Mon 14-Mar-16 13:09:47

You both sound suited to each other.

The only one I feel sorry for is this poor child.

BooAvenue Mon 14-Mar-16 13:13:31

What vix said with bells on.

molyholy Mon 14-Mar-16 13:14:10

Yes indeed Vixx That poor little girl. How anybody could actively discourage their other half from having a relationship with their child is beyond me. It is not her fault!!!!

FellOutOfBedTwice Mon 14-Mar-16 13:18:56

Wowsers trousers. What the fuck are you still doing with this scumbag? And why is he not trying to form a relationship with his daughter. Jesus, you sound as mad as him to be honest. You need to leave this bellend if you have any self respect whatsoever. He's a cold hearted loon and if you condone this bullshit you're no better.

Cabrinha Mon 14-Mar-16 13:20:02

What a total arsehole he is.

You don't like or agree with me I think, but I could have no love or respect for a man that dumps his child.

That would kill any love I had stone dead - though I doubt there'd be any left after the cheating and worse - sleeping with me without a condom when he was having high risk sex. How many other people was she sleeping with? And him - could be tip of the iceberg. When my XH slept with prostitutes my biggest anger was the serious diseases he could have given me.

All I'll say to you, is remember that you are not eternally committed to any decision you make now. You can wake up tomorrow or 5 years time and think "he's a grim and nasty fucker, I'm out".

Poor kid, dumped like that by her dad. Psychologically, far more damaging not to see her than not to pay for her.

I'm confused at his offer to put money in trust for her too - so, dumping her day to day financial needs on her mother?

On what you say I've no sympathy for the mother btw - but can't help but wonder what your lying husband said to her all along. And please "I can't get pregnant" he's a 3x married 53yo. He's not thick. He took a stupid risk there, didn't he? (Aside from the one he took with YOUR health)

I'm bloody raging for you just reading this - I'm sorry flowers

Cabrinha Mon 14-Mar-16 13:21:37

Obviously I agree with the PPs about him being an arsehole for dumping that poor baby girl.

But I would add... I totally understand that you couldn't stay with him, with him being a father to her. Absolutely understandable.

MsMommie Mon 14-Mar-16 13:26:38

"Is he a bad person for not having anything do do with this child?"
Yes, he's a cunt.
But you are a bigger selfish cunt for forcing a child to live without any contact from her Daddy because your too insecure to let him see her.

He has way more duty towards that innocent baby than he will ever have towards you.

Why make someone chose between you and the child?
Because it was a long term affair rather than a dirty one night stand? Like it or not, nobody stays with a woman for that long if there's no feelings there.

OurBlanche Mon 14-Mar-16 13:27:39

No, ignore that. Of course you are entitled to feel bitter and to want the woman the the child to just disappear out of your life. You have had an enormous shock and are still trying to come to terms with it. You can hate and blame whomever you want to.

However, your post also shows that you knwo you are not dealing with this very well. Sod him, sod her and the kid. None of them are should be your primary concern at the moment. You need to look after yourself, first and foremost.

Go to Relate or any other counsellor you like. Talk it through and work out how you really feel about him and ho wyou want to continue your life.

Nothing else should matter to you as much as you yourself. And don't let anyone here tell you that you should feel ashamed for not considering the child inthis. She is absolutely not your respnsibility, not now, not ever. You don't have to think of her again, unless you decide that you do want to stay with your D. Then you can evaluate how you feel about her.

Good luck xx

MsMommie Mon 14-Mar-16 13:28:54

Sorry, I was to harsh.
You're husband is a cunt, but you don't have to be. If you really can't accept the child, just leave him.

MsMommie Mon 14-Mar-16 13:29:15


SohowdoIdothis Mon 14-Mar-16 13:31:59

Bloody hell. Can you explain a little further why he is not involved in his child's life?

Buzzardbird Mon 14-Mar-16 13:33:53

Please let him see his child and make sure he supports his child.

How can anyone love someone who is so awful?

Tess54 Mon 14-Mar-16 13:37:55

I did ask him to be in the childs life, he chose not to, said he told her when she said she was pregnant that he wanted nothing to do with the child. Yes your right, he is a cunt and I have told him that. But that woman set out to have a child come hell or high water, her choice!! he was totally wrong too, but she made the choice to get pregnant, that was her mission and yes he was a bloody fool not to wrap it! I cant explain further why he doesnt want to be in her life, he just says he doesnt.

molyholy Mon 14-Mar-16 13:38:17


From the OP:
I gave him the option to walk away from our marriage and if not to be with this woman then to at least see the child (I cannot be in his life if he chose this option)

The husband has chosen his wife over his child.

Tess54 Mon 14-Mar-16 13:42:38

Yes he did, but I didnt make him!

Tess54 Mon 14-Mar-16 13:43:22

She wanted a sperm donor and she got one! Plus a nice new council house.

SohowdoIdothis Mon 14-Mar-16 13:44:42

If you were on board i.e. not going to leave him, would he want contact?

MsMommie Mon 14-Mar-16 13:45:55

That's not what you said in your OP.
Have you met this woman? Spoken to her? Got her side of the story?
It's easy to take his word for it knowing he isn't going to give her a glowing report.
Why do you assume her intention was to have a child with him? If she wanted a child that badly, and she was on a fetish website, then believe me she could have many men a day and get pregnant. Your husband isn't the only one with a penis.
Honestly, I don't think you're hearing all the facts here.

Do the other children know they have a younger sister?

Tess54 Mon 14-Mar-16 13:46:50

No. I did say we can try and make a go of things and for him to have contact with the child but he said he didnt want to.

MsMommie Mon 14-Mar-16 13:47:20

Do you really believe that she had a baby for a council house? Honestly?

Only1scoop Mon 14-Mar-16 13:47:43

I couldn't even get past that the selfish cunt had put my health at risk by having unprotected penetration with a random internet fetish buddy....

Let alone the rest.

Sounds like you'd be happy back in your charade though if all this nasty business went away....

I e his child

Awful sad

Tess54 Mon 14-Mar-16 13:49:30

My kids arnt his so no younger sister. I have seen the internet picture she posted about a sperm donor. I have spoken to her on the phone. She said she fell in love with him. Maybe he did with her, he says not but I don't know.

Tess54 Mon 14-Mar-16 13:50:52

Believe me I would not be happy back in my charade ..... blimey i came on here for some help not to be called a cunt etc. I didnt have the fucking affair or the baby. Thanks and good bye

mumofthemonsters808 Mon 14-Mar-16 13:51:08

The only person I feel sorry for is the innocent child who is in the middle of this almighty mess.

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