What to do?

[matt23]

Hi, My wife and I have been together for around 8 years, married only one. I need help with what to do, weve had some really ahrd times in the last year with miscarriage etc. We have a young daughter and I feel like we can work through these hard times.

Things are hard with work currently, the threats of redundancy and also medical issues, so there is stress there. However we do fight a bit about silly things, however about three weeks ago this got worse and she said that shes unhappy. I feel like she is definetly suffering with depression, as she talks about a lack of self esteem and hate for her self. However she wont talk to me about it and says she feels she cant, how she feels shes walking on eggshells around me. She says shes not happy with me anymore and her feelings have changed.

I worry that her head isn't straight currently, but also respect what shes saying (trying to listen) but I want to fight to save our marriage.

She told me shes happy for me to stay in the spare room, and we have since been out on days out with our child which has been really nice, however she says this is because our daughter is there with us. However when I suggest things such as meeting our family who have invited us places, she says im being naïve and dillusional about the situation.

I cant sit in our spare room knowing that currently she feels like this with me, she says she loves me but feels unhappy and feelings are different. I just know shes suffering at the moment and I cant help.

Should I leave for a few days, or do I stay in the spare room and try and be as normal as possible..not sure what to do now, I don't want to push her further away, she just cries in bed and doesn't speak. She speaks about her lack of friends, her hate for herself and how I make her unhappy.

Am I really being dillusional or is there something more here, I know she loves me..

[QuiteLikely5]

Can you encourage your wife to see her doctor? I think she seems very down at the moment and you need to sell it to her as in that it's in her interests and you're not doing it to try and save your marriage.

Re your marriage, I don't think you can know for certain about what she is saying until she sees a doctor as she may well be suffering depression.

In your shoes I would not leave quite yet, unless you can be sure your wife's state of mind is not depression related.

[Lweji]

I think I'd suggest joint counselling to start with and go from there.
She may still be suffering from the effects of the miscarriage and how you dealt with as a couple may have driven you apart.

Do give her the space she needs, though.

[matt23]

I have tried with the dr and she doesn't want to go, saying it will go on her record and prevent her with jobs in the future.

The last conversation we had I talked about everything tried telling her I was there, wanted to help, to listen and I loved her etc. She just pulled her hood over her face and cried, staring vacantly. She hides it well with others but at home she crumbles. I know she has the day off tomorrow, do I just book an appointment and try and get her to go?

And tonight, do I go home and just sleep in the spare room again, or by space should I say with my parents? Thanks so much

[Lweji]

I'd still stay at home.

Why not pass on data about depression?
That's why I suggested joint counselling. It would be an oportunity for her to speak to a professional an allay some of her fears.

[pallasathena]

She's desperately unhappy but can't articulate what's depressing her to make sense of it to either herself or to you. Sometimes, life can appear to be incredibly bleak particularly if problems start stacking up: financial, personal, self esteem issues, exhaustion, the list can be endless and when things pile up around and on top of you, you can end up retreating, withdrawing into yourself. You find it impossible to communicate what you're feeling because you don't understand it yourself.
If I was you o/p, I'd persuade her to get some counselling. Her self-esteem issues are very likely at the heart of all of this. You need to be gentle, kind, supportive and send out signals of total love and acceptance for her to feel that she can confide or at least open up a little to you. She's in a very dark place and while seeing a doctor would be number one priority, you can't force her to go. Give her time and support and she may be persuaded.
Finally, I'd have a look for some self-help style books that deal with the issues you've highlighted in your post. It can't hurt and it may just offer some further insight.

[matt23]

Thank you for your reply.

I agree completely that that needs to be the number one priority. I really feel that the way she is feeling is clouding what is what in our relationship. Whilst I agree things havent always been brilliant, I think they can imporve and I need to accept responsibility and start too woo her again, show more attention, work harder etc. She just says I need to stop pretending to be golden boy (Ive been really trying last few days) she often says stuff like I dont really love her, dont mean the things I say when I say shes beautiful, she just withdraws into herself. She says Im more worried about the implications with regards to money and telling family, saying that this is just conveneance.

I was thinking of calling up at 8am tomorrow and booking an appointment for her with the duty dr, otherwise she will just be too busy with her work. Is that wise or will it annoy her further?

Im fuguring GP is the first step, then focus on counselling..

[pallasathena]

If you do that you are disregarding her wishes and invalidating her decisions. You need to be more respectful.

[pallasathena]

And blaming her for feeling the way she feels is just so out of order... I'm beginning to understand why she's in such a dark place.
You need to self-reflect o/p.

[matt23]

Sorry? But how have I blamed her for this? Im literally trying to do whats best and understand what I need to do, not make things worse

[pallasathena]

"I really feel that the way she is feeling is clouding what is what in our relationship"
I am directly quoting here o\p the subtext being, according to the quote, that her feelings can be explained away as being somehow to blame.

I honestly don't think it is that simple. It is what it is. Her distress is very real and has to be acknowledged, validated if you like. Your observation isn't helpful therefore and means she will have insurmountable difficulty in understanding those personal feelings of distress that, according to you, 'cloud what is what in your relationship'.
Not good...

[matt23]

No I can understand what it is your saying. I guess from my perspective what I do and say is having an implication, Im just struggling with what to do or say to make things better.

I would never want her to feel this way, I only want to mend things.

I try to talk to her and understand what it is she is feeling, however she never wants to talk about it, I know that I need to self-reflect, I think ive just phrased what I meant wrong..

[pocketsaviour]

I have tried with the dr and she doesn't want to go, saying it will go on her record and prevent her with jobs in the future.

This is complete bollocks. How does she imagine referencing is done by employers? Can you try to set her mind at rest about this - perhaps ask her to make an apt with the GP to specifically talk about confidentiality worries, before disclosing the problem?

From what you are saying, she appears depressed. Has she spoken to your HV about her feelings? I am not sure if you had a miscarriage before your DC was born or after - PND is a possible factor here in addition to trauma from the MC. How old is the baby?

[matt23]

Our child is three, the miscarriage happened last year. I have said that, feel it may also be the fact she doesn't fully want to go, I understand its a massive and scary move.

I really want to help her, just struggling to adapt from how things were, to how they are now.

[pallasathena]

Think about how you react verbally when she tries to explain how she is feeling. Do you interrupt? do you re-write her take on things? do you maybe react with anger or indignation? The reason I ask is that if she sees you as 'the golden boy', that implies something pretty significant don't you think?

The golden one is never wrong, is always perfect, a totally superior being in fact. Now maybe you really are the special one - I don't know you so I don't know if you are or not. What I do know is that your wife can't talk to you because as you've already stated, she feels she's walking on eggshells.

Now, why does she feel that way?

[Bogeyface]

I ended my marriage feeling exactly as your wife does. I was utterly miserable and thought that my husband/marriage was the problem.

So I left. And then had a massive breakdown because, as anyone but me could have predicted, the problem was inside me and I took it with me. My marriage never recovered and we are now divorced.

I too thought that everything was down to him, that I couldnt talk to him, that he didnt understand. Everything he did was wrong. Except it wasnt, and I couldnt see that.

I hope you do manage to persuade her to see the doctor.

[matt23]

Thank you for your messages, Im truly trying to make things better byut now understand what i need to do. This will take time and I think I was guilty of trying to mend things quickly.

I have in the past reacted in anger, I guess Ive been upset with what ive heard, which i now know is so counterproductive. Im not perfect at all, i know i have many flaws, i think she measn the fact ive been making a massive effort and it being obvious.

Im not sure why she feels that way, and I can only resolve to try and change this, she never really tells me how shes feeling, only when I ask and press the issue if im honest. She often will not divulge things currently and it breaks my heart. Im not a bad person and dont want to seem as though im the one making her in the dark place. shes the love of my life and i want to fix things