Why am I heartbroken when I ended it???

[TwilightRabbit]

I posted a wee while ago about doubts about me and my partner, and I got some great advice.

I finally had a talk with him, and after us both doing the silent treatment for 3 weeks after, I've finally called time on the relationship. I genuinely think it was the right thing to do for both of us.

I'm heartbroken. Sobbing, can't concentrate etc . Feel like a teenager who's lost her first love ffs.

WHY??? Why do I feel like this? I ultimately made the decision to end it. I should feel relieved surely? Am I grieving for the relationship I wanted but didn't get, have I made a huge mistake, or am I just mentally unstable? (Possible as I am a bit flaky and get depression )

[peppatax]

It's perfectly normal to feel like this, with the relief about no longer having to endure the bad times there is also the grieving for the good times and love that brought you together in the first place and also for the hopes of what might have been. Give yourself some time to get over it and if you're struggling, focus on what you've gained from ending the relationship rather than what you've lost.

[Morasssassafras]

Yes, you're grieving for the relationship, and man, you thought he was. Time and lots of self care will help

[Toomuchinfo1]

OP this is completely normal. I was in a long term relationship with a lovely guy (2 boyfs ago). it just wasn't working for me, and we grew apart. I knew it was time to end it, but I still think about how things could have been.

I was upset for such a long time, especially when the guy I was with afterwards turned out to be horrible.

It's very easy to look back with rose tinted glasses, so I guess you just have to try and think about why you broke up, and remember those bits.

[TwilightRabbit]

Thank you :)

I don't really understand why I'm crushed. I had been completely fine, until it was final - to the extent friends had said it must be the right decision if I wasn't really that upset. It's hit me like a train the last few days though. I just want to curl up in a ball until it's all better.

[brabit]

Hi OP

I recently finsihed with someone I ws really in love with because I don't think he felt the same way, or if he did he didn't commit to acting like it. So I had to finish with someone because I felt I couldn't sort the situation even though I wanted to be with him.

I'm still crushed too...really in a lot of pain and missing him and crying.

I think you feel grief no matter what the situation if you lose someone you love, care about or have some connection with.

We're only human.

In a way although you're the one who left and ended it you can't help feeling that doubt of whether you did the right thing or tried hard enough.

It's hard, walking away even when it's for your own good is very hard

[TwilightRabbit]

That's it brabit - mine was similar - I do think he loved me, but something was stopping him committing fully.
I want to be with him, but I know that if I am, I'm compromising myself.
And the doubts! OMG the doubts - am I right? am I just looking for the perfect relationship and not working on this one? Should I try harder? are my expectations too high? Am I just a bitch?

Jesus this is fucking hard!! It's like quitting smoking - just one wont' hurt will it? and then you have to quit all over again .

So sorry you're going through this too brabit xx

[brabit]

Well, I think what I decided on the subject was...

1. if you leave and he lets you go then you did the right thing.
   

1. if you leave and he realises he really wants you he might step up his game and then you did the right thing.
   

Either way you win in the long run.

Living with less than you deserve isn't an option, and I think it only makes them take you for granted - and potentially even lose respect.

He was very upset when I ended it...long texts about why was I doing it but at the end of the day the whole relationship was on his terms and he was saying he saw no future. So I figured while he wasn't invested and I was it was only going to hurt me.

All you can do is hope...maybe a separation will bring him to his sense?

Waht was going wrong in the relationships?

[TwilightRabbit]

I told him I thought our time had come to an end, and he's agreed. We've both said we still love each other, but we can't see a way to make this work.
If I'm being honest , some of it is that we are in different places, and growing apart. We can only live together if we pay my ex out, and we've never really had conversations about how we could make that happen. I think we may have used it as a convenient barrier.

I like your take on your situation - win win! I think I need to hunker down and grieve for the relationship I had and for what I wanted it to be

Thank you

[Allofaflumble]

I've been through this and it is really difficult. Familiar story. Man happy to drift along for goodness how long and no sign of any kind of future plans.

So I ended it and he was with another woman a couple of months later. That hurt terribly. What could I do but accept it with gnashing of teeth. It still grates, two years later that he went on to thrive, whereas I felt wounded by it all and can't see me trusting ever again.

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

You can know it is the right decision, and still be upset. It's human. to you.

[TwilightRabbit]

Struggling today. I met him for coffee, and whilst I'm glad I did, I came home and sobbed, then got angry.
Ultimately he said that he'd been grieving for the relationship for the last few months so he was semi ok now. I'm angry because he's ok and I'm not, and I'm angry because I came away thinking that he has absolved himself of any responsibility for why we broke up - he has blamed my withdrawing over the last few months, seeing that as the cause instead of a symptom.

I am painfully aware that I am very needy and not the most rational at the minute, but I am so cross that he has chosen to focus on my withdrawing rather than the issues we were having (inability to commit to the relationship, living separate lives, me feeling like his mother etc).
The rational side of me says it was definitely the right decision to leave him. My heart is still annoyingly telling me that I love him.

Tell me it will get better! I need to know that I will stop living every day hoping I'll feel better in the morning :-( x

[Sweetandsour93]

He would rather blame you than himself and that seems to be his coping mechanism. My ex was the same and the worst thing I did was see him again because it led to loads of on and off stuff and made it worse. I'd recommend not seeing him again, no contact hurts like hell but it's better in the long run. I promise it does get better and you know you've done the right thing, it's just hard to stop thinking about "what ifs" and the good times.

I work best by looking at the person I knew during the good times as different to the person he was at the end. Things changed and it wasn't meant to be but that doesn't mean it was pointless or that you can't one day look back on the nicer memories but feel comfortable with the fact that you can move on.

[TwilightRabbit]

Thank you sweetandsour93 I think I'm going to make a list of All The Shit Things in the relationship - it might keep me cross rather than sad if that makes sense ? I think if I think of the person he was in the good times, I will just moon over him for longer. I need to know that this wasn't my fault, but that it took 2 of us to get to this stage.
I also think I'm feeling some sort of retrospective guilt over ending my marriage, which ironically I didn't feel at the time!

[dumbshmuk]

Its hard to resolve relationship issues after the relationship is over. Are you really seeing things his way? do you think you were perfect? you want closure but it not going to happen like that. after some time passes he might accept more blame for the breakup. But as mentioned above he's seeing things his way to cope and you should too. You don't need to make him understand anymore.

[TwilightRabbit]

dumbshmuk. Um, no I don't think I was perfect at all. I'm not sure where that came from? I know fine well that I handled things badly, and communication has been poor. I don't think I need to acceptfull responsibility for the break up though. There were a myriad of reasons why we were struggling.
I understand that blaming me is how he's coping, and I cope with that by getting cross!
he's seeing things his way to cope and you should too - do you mean I should cope by seeing things his way???

We met this week, as the way we ended was odd for both of us. It actually went well (even though I was upset and cross afterwards) and we wished each other well, and hugged goodbye. It wasn't contentious at all, and I hope it helped him too.


What in my thread has annoyed you? You seem antagonistic to me, and I don't know why?

[dumbshmuk]

No i'm not trying to come off that way. I'm not attacking you.
When i said "him seeing things his way and you should too" I meant you seeing things your way.
What I'm trying to say is the kind if closure you're looking for isn't going to happen the relationship is over. I'll give you an example in my life. My relationship with my daughters mother ended 15 years ago after 7 years when our daughter was just one month old. Something changed in her half way through her pregnancy. I got custody of our daughter when she was 18 months old and visitation with her mother has deteriorated these last 2 yrs to 2 hrs a week supervised with a social worker. Its been 15 years and I still wonder why the self destruction like that.
You're still In a Why Why Why phase trying and I'm saying from experience is that you won't get the answers you want and as time goes on that it will just not be that important to you anymore.