what to do.

[sorbetandcream1]

I've been with my Dh almost 10 years. Most of the time we get on very well and everything is ok. Now and again he gets verbally aggressive over ridiculous stuff. It's like he has a panic attack but it's directed at me. Afterwards, once I talk to him, he's very apologetic, but rarely without me practically asking for an apology. Over the last year or so, he's not done this much at all. Recently he's become very depressed (we've had a string of close bereavements in a very short time) and has reverted back to thsee angry outburst again. They never last long. I told him I was going to go and see a solicitor to get a divorce, next time Im off work (next week). He is absolutely devastated. I know he is desperate to stop acting the way he does. We love each other a lot. I don't know how much to excuse given the hell he's been through recently. I know he's no right to lose it with me over nothing though. I just wish he'd change. His self esteem is very low. He's not in a good place. Trouble is he now has no family to support him. He has a few who live abroad but he barely knows them. I am his best friend, his world. He genuinely hates the way he treats me. He is desperate to change. Yes, he manages to control himself at work. He is not physically aggressive ever. He didn't have a great childhood (not making excuses, just trying to give full picture). It tends to feel that he's more angry with himself when it happens. I just want it to stop. Any thoughts beyond ltb? Thanks.

[sorbetandcream1]

P.s. I'm a regular poster. Name changed for this. Also we have no children.

[Choughed]

Trial separation until he gets help? A bit of distance might do you both good.

I'm of the opinion that unless he also verbally abuses other people then he can control himself but he chooses not to.

[sorbetandcream1]

Well now and again there have been incidents with other people. Not often but he's certainly had 'irrational outbursts' with others before. He feels absolutely awful afterwards. Totally devastated. I'm sure the people he has done it to are pretty stunned partly because most of the time he's the chilled out guy. He does apologise afterwards. I'm sure he's been a bit snappy at work sometimes. I wouldn't necessarily know about work anyway, maybe he has had outbursts. I'm sure I get the worst of it. They aren't really often. The issue is partly that they are over such ridiculous stuff. Stuff that most people wouldn't even comment on, never mind get upset, angry over. It's strange although his family were the same. Yep, I keep wondering if we should separate for a bit but know I'd be so worried about him. He really has had a horrible year. It's so difficult. I know he's having a tough time but Im not hear to be shouted at. Thanks so much for replying.

[Toomuchinfo1]

hi sorbetandcream . . .I'm not best placed to advise, but it does sound like he needs some professional help, to talk through his issues. I guess whether you are there or not is up to the 2 of you. do you think he would agree to this?

I posted recently about my (now ex) boyfriend getting really angry. he was also going through a bad time, and the worst argument (that ended the relationship) actually happened on the way home from a funeral. We all go through bad times, but it really isn't an excuse to be verbally abusive or aggressive. especially to the one person that is trying to be there for them.

I hope you find a solution.

Can I ask if it is made worse by alcohol?

[sorbetandcream1]

Thanks toomuch. No, alcohol isn't a factor at all. He doesn't drink much and has never got angry when drinking.

Yeah, he would agree to go to therapy. But he's had some in the past and it didn't make any difference. He's actually having therapy at the moment to help him come to terms with all the stuff that had happened (I'm being deliberately vague so I don't get outed). The trouble is that he's been through so much that recovering from it all sort of needs to be his main focus, not us. But I know he shouldn't treat me the way he does. I wonder sometimes what he says in therapy, wouldn't be surprised if therapist has no real idea what's going on.

[Toomuchinfo1]

It's such a difficult situation. As we do all deal with things in different ways. I tend to go quiet and not talk about my feelings. my ex punches stuff (never me - but who knows what would have happened if I had stayed).

I know he is dealing with lots of stuff, but you do need to think about yourself too. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

maybe a trial separation is the wake up call that he needs.

[Leigh1980]

I get this when I'm frustrated and angry. It's something that's uncontrollable for me. Been for lots of help but nothing works. Luckily my DP and family know me and take no notice of it.

[sorbetandcream1]

Thanks for sharing Leigh. Are you saying that you get angry over nothing with your family and they just accept it? I know that personally, I'm not just going to be able to accept it. In our situation ( and you may be very different to my husband) it isn't fair on me to be my husband's emotional punchbag. How does your partner feel about it? Do you get angry with people outside of your family?

[Leigh1980]

Hi. It's quite complex. I have mysophonia so noises can trigger it. It come from frustration mainly towards myself. I have tantrums. I don't hurt anyone physically but I can be nasty. I'm normally the least nastiest person ever so these episodes are completely out of character. I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't get it out so it really is uncontrollable. I hate being like this. I've done CBT, general counseling, anger management, various other stress related courses, hypnotherapy and acupuncture! None of this has worked. I still get so wound up. My partner just keeps quiet as the more he says the worse it can be. I've had this all my life. My mom used to have a bag she put over her head with I'm no listening written on it. I've lost lots of boyfriends because of this. I don't have them often and I really really try and calm myself when I recognize one coming up but it's too much and I explode. I now go for walks on the beach to try and distract myself and keep myself away from other people. That helps but only if I can get out in time otherwise it just hits me. It's not intentional and I don't mean any of it. It's purely frustration and anger at myself.

[sorbetandcream1]

Do you have children Leigh? I've never heard of anything like this before. Sorry for all the questions!

I don't know what to do. My husband has just asked why we are seeing a solicitor when he doesn't want a divorce. I explained that nor do I but I don't want to live like this. Sometimes I feel like his therapist. I'm always trying to find ways to help him. Think I put more effort in than he does. It's sad. I so want to stay with him but cannot continue to carry on like this and I'm not sure anything will ever change.
There's so much I could do to try and help him...help his stress levels by taking him out for a walk etc etc. But I'm fed up of trying to help. Nothing lasts. :-(.

[Toomuchinfo1]

sorbet you sound exhausted with it all.

Is there anywhere you can go for a few days to get your head together? Having some breathing space should help you collect your thoughts and think clearer.

I know when I was reaching my limit, I decided to hide out at my mums house for a whole week. I just watched telly and sat under a blanket. it was so nice to just be on my own and think about things.

does he appreciate the help you are trying to give him? does he realise how much of an impact it is having on you?

xxxx

[VimFuego101]

You can't fix him, he needs to talk to a professional. Surely if he really wanted to fix this he would have already spoken to his therapist/ seen a doctor about it?

[sorbetandcream1]

You are right. I am exhausted by it all. Most of the horrible stuff my husband has been through this year, I've been through too. I'm struggling too. We have both had an awful, awful 12 months so I guess that's contributing to how I feel.
I'd love a break somewhere but can't think where I could go. I am taking some days off soon so that will be nice.
Yeah, he says he appreciates what I do but don't think he really gets it. He doesn't understand how it's affectin me. Not really.
I've told him that I wanna divorce but if he doesn't he needs to prove to me that we shouldn't. I could be swayed. I probably shouldn't have said that. He has responded by doing some housework and cooking lunch. What I wish he did was try to talk about what has happened, maybe book us an appointment with relate, tell me what will change etc. Maybe I expect too much. It's so sad. We've been through so much together and life will be tough without him but I've been here too many times. Wish there was another answer.

[sorbetandcream1]

He has seen a therapist about this, it didn't make much difference. But he did go, it was his idea too. I don't wanna be his therapist at all. I want to stay with him but without the nastiness. Maybe that can't happen. Wish I had a crystal ball. I don't want my life to be like this forever.

[Toomuchinfo1]

That's good that you have some time booked off. maybe book into a b&b? give yourself a night away. take a book, go for walks. you will be far better placed to make decisions once you are in a good place mentally.

I do totally understand why you have had enough. I don't want to keep comparing it to my situation, but it is quite similar. my BF went through loss, stress, etc etc, but I was with him every step of the way, so I found it tough too. so I took it very personally when he would take his stress out on me. it's a very selfish way to deal with things, but unfortunately some people deal with it like that.

do you think he knows that you are serious about splitting?

xxx

[sorbetandcream1]

The problem is that the loss we have been through affects us both equally (hope I'm not drip-feeding)...so I'm suffering just as much (if not more in some cases). I'm not just upset because what he's going through.
I don't know if he knows I'm serious. I don't know if I am serious if Im honest. I'm serious in not wanting him to carry on treatin me like this. Don't know if I'm right to leave him or if what. It's pretty common people split after the sort of trauma we've been through and we are both pretty sensitive/ 'vulnerable ' I guess still so maybe we aren't in the right position to make huge life changes. At the moment I'm thinking of going to relate with him for a few sessions, seeing solicitor, going away alone for a bit next week. But then at the back of my mind, I think nothing is going to change. Ahhhh!

[Toomuchinfo1]

I think it might be one of those cases where you are pushed and pushed and pushed to your limit when he has these outbursts. you put up with it for another year, maybe 2 years . .and then you split up. Unless of course, he can get help and change his behaviour.

You wont be able to put up with this forever. xxx

[sorbetandcream1]

I hope we don't split. I hope we split if he isn't going to change. It's so sad. He is rubbish with stuff like saving, ends up in debt all the time. So for ages I looked after both our bank accounts (with his agreement obviously). He wasn't in debt for literally years and we saved quite a lot. A while ago I realised I shouldn't be managing his money...it's controlling of me. So he started running his account again. Several times he got in a bit of trouble and I gave him money. He's just been to me coz his account is a mess. He is very overdrawn again. So he's asked if I can sort his accounts again. I am doing evan though we are seeing solicitor soon. What a mess.

[Toomuchinfo1]

finances are a tricky one to advice on, as all relationships are different and work so differently for everyone. the debt would be a problem for me.

does he bring much at all to the relationship/marriage? ie, do you feel like you are a team?

[Leigh1980]

I don't have children Sorbet. I've included this link maybe it might explain things. Mine was caused by being bullied at school so pyschological trauma.
www.valleybehavioral.com/disorders/ied/signs-symptoms-causes

[sorbetandcream1]

He actually brings a lot to the relationship (sure you couldn't guess that reading this). He is my soul mate. He makes me laugh, he definitely loves me, i enjoy his company. We are a good team when we have visitors, he's kind. I could go on.... thanks so much for the link Leigh. Really interesting. Must be very hard to live with. What helps you? Anything?

I shouldn't have said he's in a lot of debt, that's an exaggeration! Just a lot for me (debt scares me). I will get him out of it by next month so clearly not that much!

At the moment we are sleeping in different rooms. He's very quiet and upset.

I wish there was an easy answer. I hate spending so much money on counselling...wouldn't mind if it made a difference. Not expecting much. Anyone ever been to relate before?