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Support needed re H's counselling please

(19 Posts)
janaus Thu 03-Mar-16 04:25:12

I have posted before, long, story.

He finally admitted to a "mistake" in September, I had started having suspicions in July, which he denied.

We are together, but in separate rooms.

I have started Counselling. H has refused counselling, saying he will deal with it himself (sweep under the carpet)

He has finally made an appt for Counselling, for tomorrow.

But I really feel that he doesnt "get it".

My anger, loss of trust, betrayal, humiliation, yes, the list of emotions goes on, its like a roller coaster.

Yes, he has apologised, says it will never happen again. But he is not taking it seriously enough as far as I am concerned.
I know the OW has ended, and nothing has happened since last July.

A 40 year marriage, I told him, I am prepared to support him, if he does the counselling. See if we can work it out somehow.
I don't know if I will ever get over these feellings. I certainly cant forgive and forget.

I really want to sit him down for a talk, before his appt.
Make it clear that he needs to do this for his self, as well as me.
We both can't live like this, the longer it goes on, my bitterness is getting worse.
If he had dealt with it like it asked at the start, things may not have become this bad.

I know its against what most MN's think, but I need to try again.
But I need to know he takes it seriously, and I can move forward with trust.

Help and support needed to help him see things from my point of view, so that we can try to sort it out.

He has been good to me, and answers questions, but there is feeling of him not fully understanding how it has affected me.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 03-Mar-16 07:41:59

Some men may appear to be emotionally illiterate, but it can be the case that they've chosen to deny to themselves the devasting effect that their adulterous behaviour has had on their unsuspecting dws.

All you can do is keep talking, keep telling him how you feel, and keep listening to what he says so that you are able to distinguish the crystal clear ring of truth from the dull leaden sound of lies.

You'll never be able to forget, but time may enable you to reach some accomodation whereby you aren't constantly recalling his infidelity.

Forgiveness can't come until the roller coaster stops and, to a large extent, it's being driven by his reluctance or refusal to engage with you in any meaningful way when he was found out.

flowers Here's hoping his counselling sessions give rise to the breakthrough you need to break through your understandable feellings of bitterness.

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 03-Mar-16 07:54:09

Your talk sounds like a good plan. I think you really need to be heard. His voice whether he takes it on board or not, but you do sound like you need to share your feelings with him.

janaus Thu 03-Mar-16 08:44:50

Thanks. My fear is that he will minimise and shift the blame during counselling.
He needs to acknowledge that he has a problem, and learn to address it.

PrincessMouse Thu 03-Mar-16 10:51:58

Janaus I am sorry you are going through this. I really hope it works out how you would like it to.

The thing about therapy is its very personal. You can't force someone to do it and to do it how you think they should. If his not ready to admit to himself the issues the he may well minimise/not take ownership. You may well tell him how you feel and how seriously he should take this but unless his ready to go through the process for himself it won't make much difference. I think in these circumstances the best you can hope for is he attends the sessions and realises that therapy could change both your lives.

Saying all this I think you should tell him how you feel. You should express your feelings, you shouldn't lock them up. It's not good for you. It's greatyou are attending therapy to help you deal with what you are/have been going through.

I really hope he sees that therapy can help you repair what he has damaged. Again I am sorry you are having to go through this in the first place flowers

janaus Thu 03-Mar-16 11:30:41

I have told him 100s of times how I feel. Written him letters when he doesn't seem to be taking it in. Seen for himself the weight just literally fall off me. Lack of sleep.
He thinks I'm sorry is ok.
Thanks so much for such positive support.

bb888 Thu 03-Mar-16 12:06:10

Only you can decide what's good enough for you and what you will tolerate. Hopefully the counselling session might bring about some shift in how he is thinking?

TheStoic Thu 03-Mar-16 12:10:48

'I'm sorry' is OK, because you're still there.

Does he know the marriage WILL be over if he doesn't do what you need him to do?

goddessofsmallthings Thu 03-Mar-16 14:05:09

I wonder if it would help if you were to set aside a couple of hours each week for the pair of you to discuss your respective feelings?

Any such time should be set in stone with no if/buts/interruptions/rescheduling and, in the interim, you could try to distract yourself from the whirlwhind of thoughts and imagery that is going on in your mind while knowing that you have a regular, set, period in which you can offload to your h - and he to you.

Sometimes it is not the act of adultery that poisons a marriage so much as the acrimony in the aftermath of discovery where the temptation to refer to it constantly proves irresistable.

This may seem something of a 'fake it till you make it' approach but it may enable you to get some, albeit transitory, rest from the perpetual grinding of the rollercoaster wheels.

janaus Thu 03-Mar-16 14:17:15

What a good idea, Godess.
These talks I have with him, Spring out of nowhere. Start of ok but end up me becoming hysterical. He doesn't get much of a chance.
Yes, I agree the affair was a symptom. Cracks were probably there. Not planned, opportunistic, work customer made a move on him, so I guess, why not.

Cabrinha Thu 03-Mar-16 14:22:05

From everything you've written in previous posts, I am certain you're not going to end the marriage, no matter whether he listens to you or not. He's not even made it to counselling yet which is a pretty small ask. Problem is - he'll be as sure as me that you're not ending it. He has zero incentive to sort it out.

I think the best chance you could give your marriage is to tell him you want to split, live apart, and use the counselling to decide not if you can continue, but if you can start again.

janaus Thu 03-Mar-16 14:43:36

Ok know you're right cabrinha. Being in separate rooms, I see it like a separation. If counselling helps, maybe we can work towards getting together. I have never wanted adult children to know. They are starting to notice the separate rooms and asked why. I allowed H to answer. Apparently we both snore.

Cabrinha Thu 03-Mar-16 14:50:54

He doesn't see it as a separation because he doesn't care about sharing a room with you. If he cared about that he'd have gone to counselling by now. If he cared about it, he would have bought you a birthday present (think that was you!)

What do you think his counselling is going to achieve? What is your actual goal here - what do you need him to do?

PrincessMouse Thu 03-Mar-16 14:54:08

Janaus there seems to be a lot of secrecy in the family. How can you resolve anything if you can even be honest with your DC about what's going in? He needs to face responsibility for his actions. It seems you can't make hm do that but maybe your DC can.

Don't become complicit to his web of lies. You have done nothing wrong and therefor you have nothing to hide from your DC.

Jan45 Thu 03-Mar-16 17:05:00

Jesus woman, he's not showing you he is sorry because he probably isn't, it's a half hearted attempt at trying to shut you up, nice.

He's had no consequence, you are compliant in his secret.

About time you valued yourself a bit more OP, kick him out, let him feel what it's like to lose you because from what you say he doesn't really give a shit either way.

Either that or you continue to put yourself through torture and for what, a man that clearly can't even be arsed to make it up to you.

Jan45 Thu 03-Mar-16 17:12:32

Oh that old chestnut - someone made a move on him - oh paleeze...

He could have said thanks but no thanks?

And why do you have to `support` him - he should be moving hell and earth to please you and prove to you that he's worth still having.

I get that you want to not give up on your marriage but you can't do it all on your own especially when you are the wronged partner, totally unfair.

From what I have read, if the chance comes along again, why would he not, he still gets his comfy life and nobody knows what he's done - must be great - for him.

AnyFucker Thu 03-Mar-16 18:03:19

Janaus, you are flogging a dead horse, love

he doesn't care that you are in separate rooms. He still has his home comforts and he still has you covering up for him so he can keep the status of Good Guy

are you still doing Wife Work for him ?

the advice will be the same no matter how many times and how many ways you ask it...he has to feel the loss

this bloke has had no consequences. You crying and sleeping elsewhere and losing weight has no impact on him. Why would it ? He knows if he just stays shtum you will eventually shut up

wondering why he doesn't pity you enough to make some sort of grand gesture is actually excrutiatingly awful and massively damaging to your self esteem

please stop begging, writing letters, moping around like a skinny version of your old self and get some kick-ass self respect back

if you don't it won't be long until he cheats again, if he has even stopped

Cabrinha Thu 03-Mar-16 18:35:13

Look, you're understandably scared to strike alone. It's a long marriage, you're not 20 (no offence, I'm not either!) and you don't want your kids to know. Oh - and from previous comments re buying favour just in case with the grown up kids, I think he's also the one with the financial power.

So... Disengage and separate under the same roof. No big announcement. Start living your life for you. Don't bother with him. Come and go as you please, don't clean / wash / cook for him.
Treat him as a house sharer. Tell you are - or don't if you expect that'll be excuse for him shag around again.

Ignore his birthday - he showed you how!

Live your own life until you feel ready to leave.

But stop the crying and begging.

What you want is not to be married to an arsehole.

That's going to take divorce or death, not crying, taking or counselling.

WasWildatHeart Thu 03-Mar-16 22:49:34

Harsh! Wow! OP you can't make someone say what you want them to, even less feel what you want them to. DH and I are four years post his long affair and it's been hard but we are both in a great place now, together and in ourselves. DH has moments of remorse every now and then when we are having a great time because he is aware how close he came to screwing it all up. This comes in his own time and his own way and is more meaningful than any forced angst when i wanted him to be on his knees pleading in woe. It took us time to heal and I did it because I never stopped loving him and knew he still loved me. Look in your heart and do the right thing for you. Good luck.

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