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Always the organiser..never organised for....?(9 Posts)
Just interested in perspectives...
In all aspects of my life I typically the organiser in relationships. I think it is driven by a mix of things - enjoying it, liking to control the situation but also less positively a need for validation/to be needed etc.
I am addressing my issues which manifest themselves in an eating disorder. Through this I am realising that spending so much time organising is stressful, takes up lots of time (which I don't have - 2 kids, work for myself which is really full on) and leads to unfair relationships where I am putting more in than getting out.
I have a group of friends from my teens, we still see each other, mainly thanks to my organisation. There was a plan to holiday together in the summer with our families - similar age DC. I have sent one message trying to get the date discussion going, then a chaser a month later which had a little response but no date and now I have given it one more attempt. But there has been no response.
I am feeling a mix of:
- annoyance at my wasted time
- anger that they cannot be bothered to respond to me
- embarrassment in a way - I am wondering if they are silently giving the message they don't want to go on hols, yet I am still persuing it
- anxiety that it will be left so late to be organised, that me and my family won’t be able to come and we could miss out
I know I should just leave it and assume the holiday isn't happening but I feel like I want to speak out. Part of my history is keeping things in (or rather eating them ), so I think it would be good to say something, but I also wonder if I'll come across as over invested/unhinged etc.
You're just like me. I organise for the reasons you do (except the feeling 'needed' one).
Every time I organise something with a large group I swear it's the last as truthfully, people can do my head in! But next time, there I'm off organising again. I'd find it hard to be organised for, feel I do a better job
BUT I would forget about the holiday. 3 attempts to get folk interested is 2 too many in my book...
I would put the effort into organising your own holiday for your family
You tried, maybe they have no money, want to go somewhere else, too far, have other commitments etc
There is a big difference between spending a few hours together and a week or weekend together on holiday
There's a difference between being an organiser and a controller. I would let this go, your friends are obviously not seriously interested but don't have the guts to say so. Sometimes old friendships flourish and other friendships fade due to circumstances, distance, different interests and new friends.
Leave it, let them chase YOU up, and if this does not occur then you will know for sure that it's time to let them go.
I think the food issues and desire to organise the world are all tied up together, with the feeling you can be in control?
Have you had counselling? It might be really helpful to discuss all this and try to overcome it. It's really helped my control freakery, and I am a lot more chilled about what other people do.
I too am one of life's organisers. I like to get things booked early and know what we are doing. Sometimes I have to stop myself as I get a bit carried away with what I think is a good idea.
Some people aren't like that. I agree with others that if they haven't responded after 3 attempts they aren't keen. It might just be that they think it's too early to book or they don't think it's a good idea but don't know how to put it without seeming rude.
I'd try to get something nice organised for your own family. It can be quite stressful holidaying with others, so why not have a nice relaxed family holiday instead.
I'm an organiser (and can I just say I love that your post about organisation included a list!)
I organise any get-together with school/home friends (who also never bloody visit me), uni friends (the year I refused, the annual meet up didn't happen) and now my mummy friends. I don't mind the first two so much but the mum friends are so bloody flakey that often they all drop out less than an hour than before we are due to meet. I used to feel paranoid that it was because they didn't want to see me but when I finally asked they were mortified. Because they never organise anything they don't see how much time and energy it can take an so don't think it's a big deal to flake out. Or something. Made me feel better. Do you want to go on the holiday? If you do keep pestering them. If you aren't that bothered, sit back and see if anyone else takes it on.
Thanks all - I appreciate it.
One of them has come back saying they cannot. Which is fine, I just felt I wanted to know one way or the other. One still sounds interested, so might do something with them.
You might be unsurprised (based on my post) to hear that our family holidays/breaks were all booked by mid Jan. So it isn't about needing that holiday - which is 'just' a weekend.
I suppose I am realising I am not that keen on this 'over organisation' but of course they (the friends mentioned above in particular) have spent decades relying on me. It may take something for it to shift.....and actually it might not survive a different dynamnic.
I am seeing a counsellor who is helping me navigate these issues.
I don't think it is about controlling what we are doing, but if I organise it means it gets sorted. Like Happy I am good at it too.
at Ohpuddle and my post containing a list!!
Sadly, they've voted with their feet. Instead, I would focus on the family hols. You can only do so much trying
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