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Can NLP save my marriage?

(16 Posts)
hoodiemum Tue 23-Feb-16 23:22:22

Has anyone had any experience of NLP counselling? My DH and I don't seem to be able to exchange a civil word these days. He is very short tempered and difficult to live with. As an extreme introvert, perhaps he's just not very well suited to busy family life - he wants to be left alone. I am short tempered too, and tend to be rather victimy, and don't seem to be able to be assertive without being naggy. I have a lot of resentment that has built up over 17 years of marriage and parenting with a guy who is very different from an ideal husband and father. But I'd like to try to put the past in the past and shed resentments that are irrelevant to our current situation (e.g. years of me doing all the earning and 90% of children and house things, while his business lost money). And I'd like to be better at seeing the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives.
He would agree that our marriage is pretty crap, but has a horror of therapy, so couple therapy would only happen if I gave him an ultimatum - which I'm reluctant to do. Could NLP therapy help me to think our marriage happier and be nicer to him? And maybe over time he'd start being nicer back?

Twinklestein Tue 23-Feb-16 23:28:05

Erm no.

SoThatHappened Tue 23-Feb-16 23:28:07

NLP was discredited decades ago.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 24-Feb-16 00:04:30

I'd like to try to put the past in the past and shed resentments that are irrelevant to our current situation

Are you saying that your h is now doing "all of the earning and 90% of children and house things" while you're twiddling your thumbs running a business that is losing money?

If not it's understandable that you are "short tempered and tend to be rather victimy", but I'm at a loss to know why he should be "short-tempered and hard to live with" and am struggling to see what positives there can be for you in this situation.

Instead of scratting around trying to find ways in which you can be 'nicer' to him in the hope that he'll be nicer back, I suggest you give consideration to filing for divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behavour.

Has it occurred to you that your dc have been, and are continuing to be, adversely affected by their df's withdrawal from anything he doesn't want to do which includes facilitating their welfare and wellbeing, encouraging their interests, and participating in their activities even if that is confined to standing on the sidelines and cheering them on?

An ultimatum will have no effect whatsoever on this man, but booting him out of your home will at least enable you and the dc to live without his toxic presence draining every last vestige of joy from your lives.

Justaboy Wed 24-Feb-16 00:12:15

I think that Feng-shei or whatever they call it will be just as effective and equally as useless!

Seems the best therapy would be to call it a day with him.

BettyBi0 Wed 24-Feb-16 00:17:15

No NLP is not going to save your marriage. Maybe individual therapy would help you be able to make a decision about whether you can accept your husband and situation the way it is. He is always going to be an introvert and you can't change the history of your finances so you need to learn to let that gobig you want to stay together

VoldysGoneMouldy Wed 24-Feb-16 00:25:36

You're blaming yourself for his behaviour, and being around him makes you feel anxious.

Why stay with someone making you feel like this?

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief Wed 24-Feb-16 00:34:21

You can't change things by yourself. He needs to make changes too.

hoodiemum Wed 24-Feb-16 09:39:27

"Has it occurred to you that your dc have been, and are continuing to be, adversely affected by their df's withdrawal from anything he doesn't want to do which includes facilitating their welfare and wellbeing, encouraging their interests, and participating in their activities even if that is confined to standing on the sidelines and cheering them on?"

Yes, of course. But it's hard to see how they wouldn't be adversely affected by us splitting up, which would probably mean him withdrawing even more. Plus he works most weekends for about half the year (weddings-related work) so with the best will in the world, his time with them would be quite limited if he lived elsewhere.

I think it takes two people to mess up a marriage, and I haven't done a great job so far. Neither has he. But neither of us want to give up on it. Anyone got any relevant experience of turning it around? How can it be done (esp without doing couple's therapy)?

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief Wed 24-Feb-16 10:09:14

You can turn it around if both of you are you are willing.
What do you both need from each other?
Affection? Kindness? Talking?
The children also need that from him.
Small acts of kindness and a few kind words can make a huge difference.
If you have to, timetable it in. Timetable it in for your dh too.
I know it sounds cheesy but give each other targets like saying a few positive or nice things about each other daily and give each other more hugs.

Get the family together and make an announcement.
Acknowledge that things aren't great and you're all going to work on improving things.
Let each other know what you all need. Accept where compromises will be made.

Do you have meals together? That's usually a great way for everyone to talk and connect.

Do you go out together? Go for a meal, cinema, bowling, walking, whatever you all like but bring some fun back into your lives.

It will take time but if you both want to work at it, you can do it.
If it doesn't work then at least you can say you tried before going down a different route.

Good luck op. I really hope it works out for you. My situation wasn't so extreme but similar and we've done it.

Rubberbandits Wed 24-Feb-16 11:17:01

What is NLP counselling?
I think I know what NLP is, but didn't know it was discredited. I thought it was an understanding of how the brain is wired. I was told it was like an operating system like Windows, but for the brain?

hoodiemum Thu 25-Feb-16 10:13:09

Wikipedia says NLP is discredited but lots of counsellors seem to offer it and train others to do it. But I think maybe I'm muddling NLP with CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Basically, I'm talking about making that inner conversation you have with yourself a bit more positive and useful. I think I have a tendency to blame all life's woes on other people, and that's not good for them or for me. We all have 'thought habits' just like we have physical habits, and some are better for us than others. I'd like to break the bad habits if I can.

Wooden Spoon: Thank you. Great suggestions.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief Thu 25-Feb-16 10:39:34

Op I'm happy for you to pm me if you want any more details about how we turned around a similar situation.

Otherwise, I found this really helpful and made dh get on board with it all.
www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/Family

Mamaka Fri 26-Feb-16 21:10:40

I'm in quite a similar situation (minus the NLP bit!) and posted a thread on here and the overwhelming advice was to either leave or get relationship counselling as currently things were unsustainable and unhealthy for all, but especially the kids. Like you I thought my dh would never go to counselling. But I gave him an ultimatum and arranged an appointment and we went. We are still on the waiting list for our next appointment but even just that one session gave us such a boot up the arse that we have both been doing things differently since then. I really think if both people want to turn things around it can be done. I'll also be reading that thread that wooden spoon posted as I love ahaparenting. Good luck.

ridemesideways Fri 26-Feb-16 21:49:28

CBT would be better, you can combine hypnotherapy with it too, but not sure how many practitioners would see couples... You could always ask around?

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 26-Feb-16 23:27:00

If your problem is that you have destructive thoughts and emotions, then CBT can help you re-direct your inner monologue.

If your problem is that you and your husband have trouble communicating, then couples counseling can help you both to reach some kind of common understanding.

If your problem is that you are seeking to hypnotize yourself into accepting a situation that you know in your gut is unacceptable to you, then a solicitor can advise you on divorce.

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