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Wondering wether we're enough for each other.

(12 Posts)
Libertybazar Tue 23-Feb-16 17:40:25

I've been having doubts about our marriage recently and I'm not really sure what to do about it.

We'ce been together 6 years, married for 1 year, known him forever. He's a nice guy, but we don't seem to share interests and we are total opposites. I find him quite attractive still, but we don't have a lot of sex (when we do, it's good) and it tends to feel like we're just very good friends.

These things are starting to matter to me more as I get older. If I'm honest, I find him a little boring. The only real interests he has are movies, cars and coffee and he is a serial hobbyist, where he doesn't actually do the hobby, he just spends weeks researching the best equipment, buys it and refuses to sell it or use it. He comes home and spends his evenings on Reddit. At the weekends I want to be out making the most of our free time. He wants to be in his pyjamas all weekend. We compromise by having a day of each, but he moans like child when we go out on and is constantly irritated and sulky.

I want to explore and travel. My husband deemed 3.5 hours drive too far to go on holiday this year and wanted to go somewhere closer with wifi.

I've stopped taking him out on dates because the only thing he seems to truly enjoy is going to the cinema and eating at macdonalds. any effort I've made to do more interesting things hasn't been appreciated. We try and see some live music but only about once a year. I can't ever remember a time when he arranged a date.

I arranged our whole wedding and honeymoon single handedly. The only thing I asked him to do was write thank you cards to his side of his family (about 10 in all). A year later and they're still not done. He also wanted an anniversary party as we had a small wedding. I thought it was a great idea, but he was in charge of the planning as I'd done the wedding. This also never happened.

I'm sure he must find me irritating too. Obviously we enjoy different interests, but I am an early riser, I can be distant, I'm very organised and like to be busy. All things he is not!

He's honestly a nice guy. He's clever and funny, but I really feel like we're so mismatched and could possibly be happier with other people.

Jan45 Tue 23-Feb-16 17:51:02

I think you are right, he sounds about 12 years old.

DoreenLethal Tue 23-Feb-16 17:53:00

He sounds dull as shit. You need to go and find someone with a pulse.

Joysmum Tue 23-Feb-16 17:56:30

What does he say when you've raised all these points with him?

TheNaze73 Tue 23-Feb-16 18:07:45

I'm with Jan45 He sounds younger than that

Libertybazar Tue 23-Feb-16 18:08:35

We've talked about these things many times before. Some things he says he'll try and make an effort to do more (which is where the weekend compromise came from) but others (the serial hobbying, Reddit, going out) he says he's entitled to his own interests, which I do agree with in a way. We used to go out on dates arranged by me and he just wouldn't enjoy himself that much (I'm not talking crazy stuff, one I can think of off the top of my head was dinner at a fancy restaurant in London, then borris biking along the river). I don't want him to be miserable, but as a result of this, I'm a bit bored.

The wedding stuff is a bit of lost cause, he really doesn't see the problem. I didn't mind planning, but I just expected him to do the little things I asked him to do. He didn't even propose, we just agreed to get married over breakfast.

pocketsaviour Tue 23-Feb-16 19:49:43

Honestly, I think this relationship has died a natural death. Surely better to end it now, while you can perhaps still salvage a friendship out of it, and leave you plenty of time to grieve for what you thought it would be - then get out there and meet an adult who'll be a suitable co-parent.

Can you imagine having children with this man?! You would be doing EVERYTHING. He would just be an extra child.

Libertybazar Tue 23-Feb-16 20:11:46

I do have one! He's a nice parent, very loving, just not very motivated. Another reason why the pyjama days frustrate me even more, as the 2 year old gets serious cabin fever!

cromwell44 Tue 23-Feb-16 20:21:03

It sounds like you don't want the same sort of life. He's not going to start enjoying the things you enjoy and there is no reason that he should. Either you accept he can't meet all your needs and find a way to do things you enjoy with other friends or think about your long term future. People tend to get less flexible as they get older.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 23-Feb-16 20:25:52

It doesn't sound like he's ever been a decisive, planning type, so I wouldn't expect that of him. He will probably always be a bit lazy and demotivated, and prefer an easy life. Bail now, if you cant live with that.

He could, of course, send the thank you cards or plan the party, but they are representative of bigger issues and most people don't permanently change.

Did he have an active part in planning your child? His passiveness would irritate me.

Libertybazar Tue 23-Feb-16 20:40:12

I agree anchor, I'm beginning to see that we're simply mismatched and I'm finding it increasingly hard to deal with.

I think what I find quite hard is that he does want an easy life, but at the same time, he gets very upset at times that we can't afford the nice lifestyle he wants. He seriously envisions that he'll be successful with a huge house etc and retired by the time he's 50, when in actual fact, he's been saying he's been job hunting for the past 6 months but hasnt even finished his cv! I find it so frustrating that his attitude is so conflicting and expects things to just come to him. Just another thing that sets us poles apart in our attitudes.

Joysmum Tue 23-Feb-16 21:59:27

He is how he is and if you can't live with it then don't.

My DH and I are very different but lead those differences separately and make the most of what we do have in common.

What do you have together that make you fall for each other? Is there enough there to concentrate on to let the rest slide, what's changed?

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