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ex is having yet another child with the ow and still divorce not finalised. am struggling please help

(10 Posts)
yummytummy Tue 23-Feb-16 14:14:35

Ok so been separated from exh due to lots of dv and other abuse. He was also seeing someone else before he left. They have had one child who is one and he has just texted they are due another

I just feel a bit sick as nothing is decided in terms of the settlement for our two dcs and now there will be even less in the pot as it were for them

It also just hurts as i had always wanted more kids and he kept saying he didn't and now he has. And even if i was to meet some i wd be too old by then for another

Just that he is happily moving on not caring that technically we still married. And i am struggling as a single parent with no job no partner no family and also trying to build myself up after the abuse plus trying to fight for a fair settlement as he is a very high earner

I don't know i just feel this knock is too much

How can i deal with this

I worry about kids too as they only just used to the 1st baby let alone another and he isn't paying enough as it is

tornandhurt Tue 23-Feb-16 14:47:41

You'd be best placed to get some legal advice as soon as in honesty to get the ball rolling if not already.

With regard to him not paying enough as it is though, don't mess around use the child maintenance service calculator - it tells you in about 5 simple steps what he should be paying! - communicate that to him with a tight deadline, if he doesn't stick to it, call them and they will enforce it very quickly. If he wants to have lots of children he needs to be able to support them all! xxx

yummytummy Tue 23-Feb-16 15:07:31

Currently in negotiations with solicitors and due to have mediation and if that doesn't work then court. Its just hard trying to be unemotional about it all

yummytummy Wed 24-Feb-16 09:48:13

Just bumping myself please anyone any advice or been through similar

pinkcan Wed 24-Feb-16 10:01:52

I would say try to see the positives.

1. You have two lovely DCs. The vast majority of people do stop at two for a huge number of reasons and most do think am I really done etc before not having a third. I think that because the choice has been taken away from you, perhaps you don't feel that it is the decision you would have arrived at. But you might have done after considering practicalities, financials etc.

2. You are rid of a fucking nasty bastard. A prize catch OW has there!

In your position, I would try to get the divorce moved along, with the settlement so you can be properly free of him, rather than kind of in limbo now, still married with no proper settlement. I would text him back saying congratulations am pleased for you, it would be great for all of us, clearer for the kids, if we could get the divorce finalised ASAP.

Also wrt your two dcs, given that they already have a baby half sibling, I don't think that another baby will make that much difference to them emotionally. I know financially it will but emotionally there will just be two little ones rather than one.

wotoodoo Wed 24-Feb-16 10:18:45

Abuse, DV??

Does the ow know about that? Dc being brought into the world where there is abuse and dv?

Did you report him op for abuse and dv? Does he have a criminal record?

To me you are very LUCKY not to live with such a bastard.

If a person is convicted of abuse and dv surely there should be some sort of protection order for any dc?

What a terrible legacy for poor innocent dc to have such a monster for a father!

springydaffs Wed 24-Feb-16 10:30:18

Ime my abuser dragged his heels about the divorce for years and years. Yet another way to control me. In those days I didn't get automatic legal aid due to dv so each time I tried to divorce him he ran rings around me legally = ££££ for me and I had to give up.

Have you don't the Freedom Programme? Do, it is marvellous. Rolling programme so you can stay as long as you like. You'll meet many in your position and that in itself is an enormous boost, replacing his fucked-up 'normal' for the REAL normal: which is that he is a snivelling abuser and abuses like breathing. Vile. That text about the new baby? He knew full well it would hurt you.

So get to the Freedom Programme, meet other lovely women facing the same stuff, find out ALL about an abusers tactics.

Was the dv documented? Are you getting legal aid?

Bree85 Wed 24-Feb-16 11:12:35

Best of luck with you. I hope everything will be better. Just be strong for your kids.

yummytummy Wed 24-Feb-16 14:34:01

Thankyou for your kind messages it does help. In spite of all the dv and his recorded abuses the cafcass people decided he wasn't a risk to the kids. They always seem to push contact with fathers even if they have been shits to the mother. Also exh is a gp very charming and manipulative so knows how to play the system.

Not eligible for legal aid unfortunately

Its true i know deep down its better he isn't around but it is hard dealing with all this alone. I just hope it ends soon it has dragged for ages

Thanks for the support it helps x

springydaffs Thu 25-Feb-16 00:18:33

You don't have to do this alone.

In my Women's Aid support group I met women whose abusers were judges, barristers, architects, headteachers - as well as milkmen, delivery drivers etc. Abuse is no respecter of persons, it happens across the board.

My abuser was a philosophy graduate, Mr plumb in his mouth, public school. Devastatingly charming. International businessman. Stylish, cultured. An abuser of women.

If you go to the Freedom Programme you will get support, advice, camaraderie, tips from the women and the facilitators. You don't have to do this alone.

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