to plan ahead to leave DH - long post

[Pretendname1]

Name changed for obv reasons. Long post...

Background... Married nearly 10 years. 1 DS (9) and 2 DSS's (19 & 21 - at uni,stay with us each weekend during hols)
Husband 11 years older than me.
DH earns significantly more than me - i work pt to fit around school hours and was unemployed/sahm until last year.
House currently in DH name as was unemployed when bought and he thought this would be best.

I have been desperately unhappy for years, and now i have a job i'm considering putting aside some money and saving up to leave. I felt completely trapped when i was a sahm - was given a small allowance to buy food etc and questioned about every penny i spent. Was belittled constantly in front of kids, and DH and friends all sang Offspring 'Why Dont you get a job' at me on a night out. Put on a ton of weight. Had so little confidence I didnt take DS to any mother baby groups or the like. Mental health constantly questioned in front of kids.

Pre-DS, relationship quite aggressive - normally fuelled by drink. I no longer drink, so i am more able to control myself and walk away. DH drinks quite heavily, and is a total arse when had too much. Has told me more than once he's still sleeping with his ex (DSS's mum - no chance! Bizarre lie to make me feel insecure. Works).

No longer have full sex - mainly because DH can't keep erection. DH says this is because i'm too fat.

A few years ago, i did some voluntary work that DH didnt approve of. I made a few friends who came to visit - DH ignored them, which was really humiliating. He barely spoke to me for about 2 months.

We are in process of remortgage for home improvements. My name is going on mortgage. Found out this morning that DH hasn't sent the papers as he has an issue with my behaviour.

AIBU to 'behave' to make sure i get my name on this house?

I'm so down Ive started to 'go to the supermarket' just to cry in the car without my son seeing. I can't talk to my mum - very controlling in a nice-smothery way and would delight in dragging me and DS 200 miles to live with her.


Sorry for crazy rambling long post.

[cookiefiend]

I have no meaningful advice to offer, but I am awake and YANBU. You plan sounds sensible- I am sorry you are in such a tricky situation . I don't know where you are, but in Scotland the house would be marital property even though your name is not on the deeds so you would be entitled to half of it. So depending on the rules where you are you may not need to save as much as you think.

Good luck- you will be happier once you leave .

[VimFuego101]

I'm glad you're planning to leave. Since you're married I'm not sure whether it makes any difference whether your name is on the mortgage or not - wouldn't it be considered an asset of the marriage either way?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Plan properly. Get legal advice. It may well be that it doesn't matter if your name is on the deeds, but you need a lawyer to check. Get a fuck off fund and support (emotional and practical) lined up. This 'man' deserves no honestly or consideration.

[Pretendname1]

Thanks all. 'Fuck off fund' is brilliant.

From my extensive research, i dont need my name on mortgage...it kind of matters to me as i love this house. I know its silly.

[SuperLoveFuzz]

This is so sad OP. I've read on here that even if you're not on the deeds it would be split in the event of a divorce. I don't know how this works in reality though so definitely get some legal advice. I was in an abusive relationship myself and it was very hard to end it. Mumsnet helped me, keep posting. Stay strong OP. Things will get better after you leave, for you and your DS.

[yorkshapudding]

"DH and friends all sang Offspring 'Why Dont you get a job' at me on a night out."

This one detail alone made me want to cry for you.. and punch your Husband in the balls. He sounds like a complete and utter piece of shit and you deserve so much better.

I agree with previous posters, you need to see a solicitor. Tell them about DH's abusive behaviour towards you (that he claims he is being unfaithful to you, that he makes deragotary comments about your appearance and questions your mental stability in front of the kids, that he drinks too much etc), make sure it is all on record.

Absolutely, set up a 'fuck off fund' and start looking into whether there are any additional benefits you would be entitled to as a lone parent. The charity Women's Aid has a fantastic 'Survivors Handbook' on their website (stupid phone won't let me link to it, sorry) with lots of practical advice re housing, financial stuff, your legal rights in the event of seperation, how to support your DC's through the process of leaving etc.

I understand you not wanting to involve your Mum but is there anyone else in real life you trust that you could share this with? Or, if your Mum is well meaning, would you be able to share that you were planning on leaving (so that she can offer practical support) but maybe not give her the full details of why etc if that doesn't feel comfortable? Just something to think about.

[coconutpie]

Why would you want to put your name on the mortgage (ie a debt) when you plan on leaving? Your name being on the mortgage has no bearing on what is on the deeds. It's the deeds of the house that you want your name on, not a mortgage. Regardless, since you're married, presumably you'll have an entitlement to the house anyway. Consult a solicitor.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think coconut may have a point. Your name on the mortgage makes you liable for the debt but doesn't necessarily give you ownership interest in the property itself. You need to see a solicitor pronto.

It may be a good idea for you to think about some sort of tentative timeline for leaving and what you'll need financially to accomplish that. Where do you want to end up? Living where you are or do you want to move elsewhere? You say you love your house, but can you afford to keep it?

You need to start gathering financial documents and important papers. Change passwords for your computer and be sure you start deleting your history, you don't want him to track you down on MN or see your browser history.

As far as 'playing nice' to get your name on the mortgage/property, I'd say it depends on what the solicitor says.

[Pretendname1]

There is absolutely no way i can afford to keep this house. No way. It breaks my heart. I don't want him to bloody have it though, and he can definitely afford it.

The first post are just a few examples of what I've put up with. He does a great job of making me look like a nutcase to everyone.

He made me stay at home when he and my son went on a group holiday with friends (i had to pretend i was ill) because he was so pissed off about my voluntary work (was for a band i loved and was doing it to boost my cv). He also told me i wasnt in a fit state to come to a halloween party with same friends. They must think i'm a complete arsehole.

He poured a full bottle of red wine over my head for speaking to the lead singer of a band after a gig and trying to introduce them.

He once poured a box of washing powder over my head on christmas eve. I'm asthmatic and it completely ruined my christmas.

He left me alone (like, sprinted away) in the middle of New York after a little bickery disagreement about eating a pretzel at a gig. I was completely lost and beside myself.

Sometimes, he's just normal but inconsiderate. Others, horrific. He thinks nothing of going for one drink and not coming til 4am - this has got worse since the stepkids reached 18 as he's dragged them into this! Only once each - taking them to a fucking casino and all turning their phones off.

I think the reason i haven't left before is because i dont want to involve my parents. They think he's just a bit daft. He's going on holiday with them and my son this summer ( i cant get the time off work). My mum is suffocating and knows best about everything. She's visiting at the moment, and treats me like a wee child (I'm 35!) and completely micromanages my parenting. Just for reference, i moved out 200 miles away with an ex boyfriend when i was 18, bought my own house when i was 20 - so have been independent for a while!

Also, I love him! I cant bear the thought of him being sad or lonely.

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but glad you are coming up with a plan and have had some good advice



After all that you have said, I agree with pp that you should contact women's aid for emotional help at least as you deserve to love and be loved. The love you have for your husband is wasted as he doesn't treat you lovingly.

[StableYard]

???? Love what about him?. I can't see what there is to love. Or do you love him for the way he treats you with such little respect, publicly humiliates you, physically abuses you, verbally abuses you, emotionally and financially abuses you? Is THAT what you love?

If so, then why are you leaving? If you love him and so approve of his behaviour then you should be staying. ....but you're not. Therefore I don't think you do really love him.

Thanks to his nastiness he has completely crushed you over the year's so that you now feel guilty for daring to be going "against " him.

He most certainly doesn't love, like or respect you. You and your son deserve SO much more.

Get out whilst you can. Don't tell your parents as they sound hard work, until you really have too.

[yorkshapudding]

OP, a very wise person once told me "we accept the love we think we deserve". You have mentioned that you lack confidence and that you attribute this directly to your Husband's treatment of you. This is what domestic abusers do. They bully and belittle you to the point that, over time, you start to believe the things they say about you. They erode your self esteem, your independence and your idea of what real love should look like.

If your DH, a man with a loving wife and three children, ends up "sad and lonely" then that is entirely through choices he has made. He could have chosen to be a good Husband and Father. He could have chosen to treat you with kindness and respect, to show his son how a real relationship should function. Instead he has chosen to bully you physically, psychologically and financially. He made a conscious decision to pour the washing powder over your head on Christmas eve. He made a conscious decision to exclude you from that holiday and to leave you alone and scared in the middle of a strange city. Some people are sad and lonely through no fault of their own but some, like your DH, end up that way because they squander and abuse the opportunities for love and happiness that are given to them.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Your h is a financially controlling and verbally abusive tosspot, OP, and I suggest you make contact with your nearest Women's Aid branch who can advise as to the best/safest way of ridding yourself of his toxicity and can also recommend solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law and have specific expertise in cases of domestic abuse.

As your 'research' has shown, the fact that your name is not on the deeds to the marital home does not negate your legal entitlement to a share of the equity in the property should you proceed to divorce. While the broad starting point is 50/50, as the primary carer for your ds you should be looking for a split that is more favourable to you and give consideration to negotiating a Mesher Order, or a deferred charge Mesher, which may enable you to remain in your home until your ds is 18 while your h rents/buys elsewhere.

In view of the plan to remortgage in order to release equity in the property to fund improvements, I would suggest you consult a solicitor sooner rather than later otherwise your h may pocket any difference between the sum realised by remortgaging and the actual cost of the planned improvements, particularly if you do not have access to the account in which the monies will be deposited and are unable to scrutinise the sums involved.

I would also suggest you give consideration to protecting your position by entering a Notice of Home Rights with the Land Registry which should prevent your h selling your home without your knowledge or consent while you remain married to him.

With regard to any taunts remarks he may make about sleeping with his ex, smile sweetly and say 'I'm very happy for you... and even happier for myself as you have given me ground to divorce you for adultery" and file your nails while he goes nuclear.

With reference to your 'fuck off fund', I suggest you consider it an 'off you fuck' fund with a viewing to having your h's possessions wrapped in a red spotted handkerchief and thrown over his shoulder as he walks out of your home forever.

I second Euphemia's advice to ask mumsnet to move your thread to the Relationships board where you will receive invaluable advice from those who've been in your situation and are now leading infinitely more rewarding lives without the demands of millstones round their necks unreasonable spouses crushing their joie de vivre.

//www.womensaid.org.uk

[sofato5miles]

Are you in scotland? Is the law different there regarding house ownership.

Pouring wine and soap powder over you is assualt. He assaults you and mentally tortures you. Get angry and get lawyered up. Lleave this arsehole.

[KoalaDownUnder]

He is mentally and physically abusing you. He's an arsehole.

I understand that you love him, but your sense of perspective is warped from years of abuse.

Get the fuck away from him. You will look back in a few years and be astonished at what you put up with got so long.

[fatowl]

OP he sounds awful

I am in a similar position, I want to leave, but things are not so bad i have to leave NOW. I am accumulating my Fuck Off Fund, and I am now back at work, though he is not quite as bad about me working as you H is.
He does call by job "my hobby" though. (he doesn't know how much I earn, as and he sees it as my "hobby", I still take the same amount fromt he joint account for housekeeping so I am saving nearly everything from my salary (about £750 a month)

My big dilemma is whether to go now, as dd3 comes to the end of Y9, or hold on for another two years for DD3 to finish GCSEs and stash some more cash. If I leave it will involve a move overseas as I have no residence right here without him, and I have to consider DD3. I have two older dds, one at Uni already and one going this year.
I am veering towards sticking it out for another two years as he is not being too much of an arse at the moment, and I am enjoying my job (which I would also have to leave). Another two years working would put me in a better financial position and look better on the CV when trying to get another one.

Sorry to go on about myself though, I know exactly how you feel OP. MY H has never poured anything over me or anything- that's terrible. Mine is more of a sulker.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I agree with the advice about seeing a solicitor as soon as you can. If he is violent/abusive to you I'd report that to your GP/the police. That's potentially more useful than telling just your solicitor.

I agree with another poster that you should be cautious about the remortgage. Also start finding out as much about finances that you can.

I think your priority should be working out a tentative plan for where you want to live while DS is still in education and then after. Would it be better to stay in the family home and sell later, or bite the bullet and move somewhere more affordable now and start making memories in somewhere neutral that you can keep. How would you foresee DS spending time between you/DH?

[Pretendname1]

Thanks everyone.

With regards to the house, the monthly mortgage payments are more than my monthly income, so staying here isnt an option. It would just kill me to let him buy me out of it, and maybe move someone else in. I need to get over it, it is just a house.

I'm not scared of DH btw - i have given as good as i've got. It never occurred to me that the tipping stuff over my head was abuse, it just made me really sad and he felt like absolute shit afterwards.

As suggested, i've asked for this to be moved to relationships.

My parents have just left and DH is visiting DSS at uni for the day so spending a bit of cuddly time with DS.

[BeccaMumsnet]

Hi all - we're going to pop this over to Relationships at the OPs request.

[Marchate]

May I emphasise what others (coconut) said. Don't add your name to the mortgage - he is welcome to the debt. But make sure your contribution towards ownership of the property, financial and otherwise, is legally acknowledged

See a solicitor and/or CAB very soon. And keep yourself safe

[Pretendname1]

God dammit! Yesterday when i found out he'd not sent the paperwork to the solicitor because of my behaviour, i TOLD him it didnt matter because i had as much right to the house as him, but none of the financial responsibility. I took the letter and said i no longer cared about the kitchen being done up. The letter has disappeared from my dressing table, so i assume he posted it. Fuck. I actually told him he was being controlling and he said he just didnt want to owe more money on the house when we weren't getting along.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

She doesn't need to "make sure her contribution towards ownership of the property, financial and otherwise, is legally acknowledged"! They are married, so the property is an asset of the marriage.

If they divorce she'll likely get more than 50% as she has a child to house and care for. Plus child-support from him which should equate to 15% of his take-home pay.

Think about saving as large a stash as you can, leave, start divorce proceedings and contemplate forcing a sale of the marital home. Ensure there's a financial settlement as part of the divorce. A new start with only you making the decisions.

As he's emotionally and financially abusing you, you should get in touch with Womens Aid. They have contact with solicitors who specialise in abuse cases who they can put you in touch with. And you won't be doing any of the aforementioned on your own, which should be a huge comfort.

[AcrossthePond55]

he said he just didnt want to owe more money on the house when we weren't getting along.

I can't say I disagree with him. I'd probably feel the same way.

It may be that he just took the letter and put it somewhere. But if you're feeling now that you don't want your name on things or are unsure, you can always call the solicitor and tell them that you're having second thoughts and ask them to put a hold on things. That will give you time to see your own solicitor about the wisdom of the move. I certainly don't think I'd want to create more debt for myself when I knew I was going to be leaving. If you can't afford the house on your own (and eventually child maintenance that may make it feasible will stop and you'll have to be able to pay it on your own) then you may be better off letting him buy you out now. My question would be whether or not I'd end up with enough to buy something else, even a small flat. The other option would be a Mesher order allowing you to occupy the house until DS reaches 18 then selling it, but I have to admit I don't know exactly how that works or who pays what.

I do think it's really important that you start copying and/or keeping important documents and stashing them somewhere (at work, with friends,). Same thing for your and DS's passports, birth and marriage certificates, etc.