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How do I switch my feelings off?

(12 Posts)
BringingToYourAttention Fri 19-Feb-16 16:16:36

I know I need to split from my husband, our relationship is toxic from both sides, he's never warmed to my children and is foul in how he speaks to them. However whenever I think I've plucked the courage up to leave him I feel sick, I can't breathe and keep thinking back to how amazing things were at the start and decide to stay.

I need to leave. I need the strength to do it
I feel so weak sad

Eggsandketchup Fri 19-Feb-16 16:19:35

He's not the way he was at the start. That isn't your reality.

He's foul to your children? There's so many threads on here now where the OP chooses her shithead husband over her children. It's so sad.

BlondeOnATreadmill Fri 19-Feb-16 16:23:17

If he is horrible to your children, then this should be a very easy decision to make.

There are lots of things you could compromise on, in a relationship. This is NOT one of them.

How do you think your kids feel, about the fact that you have let a man into their home that treats them this way?

No brainer. Get out.

Twinklefuck Fri 19-Feb-16 20:29:57

Agree with pps, get out.

If you can't do it for you please do it for your children, they need to know that's not ok. You can do it thanks

shrubbery Fri 19-Feb-16 20:40:33

Things do feel great in the beginning. That's why you end up in a relationship in the first place. It is everything that comes afterwards that really counts.
Try looking at it from the outside. If it were your best friend in the relationship and you wanted the best for them and their children, what would you advise her to do?
The start was just that and that is where it will stay. It is good to have some happy memories. Think of now and decades more of now. Is that what you want more of?
Good luck in working things out for the best xxx

tipsytrifle Fri 19-Feb-16 21:12:28

This relationship probably needs to be over in terms of the ongoing nastiness towards your children. Beyond that well, panic attacks say a lot about what's wrong here?

I don't think you have to switch feelings as such, you know it's all wrong. But a change in direction is in the air. That's maybe what you have to adjust to. Like you've adjusted to abuse only different. Opposite. Freedom's calling. Your adrenaline/panic rushes are very likely coinciding with when you think about escape from all this. Head needs to exert a firm hold over emotion. Is it time to end this relationship?

goddessofsmallthings Fri 19-Feb-16 21:31:54

he's never warmed to my children You knew this and chose to marry him?

How old are your dc and how long have they had to tolerate having this abusive bully in the one place they should be able to be, and feel, safe from harm of any kind, namely their home?

What feelings do you have for your husband? Do you not feel revolted by him when he is being "foul in how he speaks to" your dc?

You've said that your relationship is "toxic on both sides". Can you please elaborate on this statement? Does he speak to you in the same way he speaks your dc? Is he controlling or overly demanding of your time?

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 19-Feb-16 21:39:37

Your anxiety about telling him it's over: is it because you are afraid of his reaction, or afraid of being alone?

Once you understand what it is causing that paralysing fear, then you can fight it more effectively.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 19-Feb-16 22:56:33

Unfortunately you can't truly just switch your feelings off. All you can do is acknowledge that they exist and deliberately choose to do the other/right thing. It's sort of like when an addict determines to stop abusing. The 'craving' is still there, but they just make up their minds to NOT use despite the craving. You'll just have to make up your mind to leave, despite your feelings for him. If you wait for the feelings to 'die', it may be a long time. And your children deserve better, don't they?

Do you have the financial means to leave? Do you have property together? Are your finances separate? These are things you need to think about and plan for.

Do you have someone, anyone in RL that you can confide in who will help you stay resolved to leave?

AcrossthePond55 Fri 19-Feb-16 23:02:42

I need to add that I think your feelings for him will die much faster once you are no longer living in the same house as him.

Destinysdaughter Fri 19-Feb-16 23:05:36

Men will often pretend at the start of a relationship to reel you in. That's not the real them. The way he is with your children is the real him. Do what's best for you and your children. You'll regret it if you don't.

Resilience16 Mon 22-Feb-16 23:31:26

Hello Bringing. You know this relationship is toxic, and you know you need to get out. Well done, that in itself takes courage to face up to.
You and your kids do not deserve to be in an emotionally abusive relationship. You need a strategy to escape. Please contact Women's aid, for advice, they are open 24/7.
Yes, I know from experience it is easier to concentrate on the good times rather than acknowledge how bad the bad times really are. Take it from me, once you get out you will look back and think Jesus why did I put up with that?
Emotions can't be turned on and off like a tap unfortunately so of course you have conflicted feelings.
Please put your feelings for your children before any feelings you have for this man.You and they deserve a life free from abuse.
Please get some advice from Women's aid, and I hope you find the courage to do what you know is right for you and your kids.
Good luck x

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