will 'our time' ever come?

[oooshlapoosh]

I'm sitting with a poorly DS whilst our already belated valentines meal sits on the table going cold.
A bit of background: OH and I are not married, we were dating for only 6 months when we were discovered we were pregnant with DS. A huge shock after he was told that he would probably never be able to conceive due to health issues in his teens. Goes without saying that we were both elated, albeit nervous.
Then the woes of pregnancy struck, I was treated for severe kidney infections all the way through and had a lot of time off work through illness. We had very little pleasant pre-baby time before DS arrived. I think I spent most of the pregnancy sleeping off illness.
DS was born: heart murmur and terrible reflux, lots of hospital appointments, lack of sleep, screaming DS and no time for us.We spent the first 6 months of DS' life holding him upright for the first 3-4 hours that hr slept to reduce projectile vomiting issues. We had no evenings as a couple.
DS is now 2 years old and the reflux issue has gone, however it's been replaced by an asthma/possible sleep apnea type issue which affects his breathing when asleep causing choking fits and yes, more vomit.

Because of all of DS' issues, we are anxious about leaving DS over night with anyone. We try to go out once a month, leaving DS in the care of grand-parents but sometimes, it's difficult.
OH and I are getting very little quality time as a couple, our sex life is awful and I feel like I've not even had chance to enjoy and get to know him before DS came along. I've gotten to the point where I'm feeling resentful and annoyed that OH appears to have accepted the way things are and makes little effort to plan special time together. It's like he's given up. I'm not blaming him- it's easy to understand why. I have to remind myself to make an effort too.
I'm feeling resentful in so many ways, I find it hard to see friends babies thriving with seemingly, few ailments, enjoying quality time with husbands once again. Not for us though. We don't plan to have more children as we want time to focus on us, will our time ever come? Or should I just give up all hope?

[Whisky2014]

Your time will come and don't give up hope! X

[ridemesideways]

It won't always be like this. It sounds like you've both done so well to preserve your sanity Have you spelt out your feelings and needs? You say he never plans special time... Do you do this for him much?

Is it an adenoids thing with your ds? Have heard dcs improving with their removal, but sorry if barking up wrong tree! Hope he has good paediatrician.

[Bee182814]

Hi

I just wanted to say thank you for your post - your situation (minus the serious health problems) is incredibly similar to mine and so much of what you said resonated with me... Feeling resentful that OH has just accepted things etc. Im not sure what the answer is if I'm honest. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in feeling this way, I've felt like this for a long time and felt like I was the only one. All of my friends were married before baby or have got married or engaged since and so I feel a bit of the odd one out. My son is 20 months now and I'm 13 weeks pregnant with our second (also unexpected) baby - I try and think of it as our children being the foundation of our relationship and building things from there. It's not conventional but who says conventional is better?

[Jibberjabberjooo]

Are you being seen by anyone for the sleep apnoea? An ENT surgeon for example.

[oooshlapoosh]

I have expressed my needs, but OH isn't great when it comes to talking. He tends to cocoon himself in his shell. I have tried to create special times for OH and I but something always seems to get in the way, such as DS waking up choking during a meal or one of us being busy. We have both tried to keep in touch with friends as much as possible so that we both get time out, but there is no time out as a couple. It makes me feel really sad to be honest. OH appears to have given up attempting to create any quality time and accepts it when we don't get it once it's been planned. "OH well, it's one of those things..." but it isn't is it. I feel heartbroken that our relationship has become so accepting and predictably void.
Bee: thankyou for your post. So many other women on here warn against the children before marriage thing, but for some it just can't be helped. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope you and your OH manage some quality time together soon xxxx

[oooshlapoosh]

DS is under a consultant for the asthma/possible apnea but we are still trying to find answers and possible remedies. This is going to sound awful, but at times I feel resentful of DS having so many problems, I know it's not his fault, but when things get really tough, I just can't help it.
sorry I know that's a crappy thing to say.

[Jibberjabberjooo]

He may just need his tonsils and adenoids out. Has anyone mentioned this?

[bigredballoon]

It won't always be like this, my first FOUR years were shit with DS and only improved when he started school at just turned four. It will get easier, I promise, it just feels like it won't at the moment x

[QuiteLikely5]

Hang on you have just had a baby and this is the way it is!

I don't think you can take your stressed out on him

The fact is: having s baby is like throwing a bomb into your relationship.

Lower your expectations for a good while but always talk and communicate.

It does get better but these early days are truly the hardest

[SnakeWitch]

I know it seems ages away but life with a 4 year old is hugely different to life with a 2 year old. It does sound extra difficult with the added medical issues, I hope the doctors can help. Also, you have had a very difficult couple of years so don't forget about YOU as well as your relationship - do little things you enjoy when you can like read a book or paint your nails. It really will get easier, just hang on in there for now.

[oooshlapoosh]

Nobody has mentioned tonsils or adenoids, but it's something I will definitely mention to the consultant. I've no idea if it could be hereditary but I had my adenoids removed as a child due to always having a blocked nose. Could be linked I guess.

[oooshlapoosh]

Having a baby was certainly a lot more of a shock to our lives than I thought it was going to be. This aside, is it normal to feel so frustrated at the lack of down time? Is it normal to have discussions about this with OH to express how shitty things feel right now? OH tells me I just need to accept things and stop letting it bring me down... ie "stop talking about this all the time" is he right? Or is talking about how crappy I'm finding things OK?

[Jibberjabberjooo]

I'm surprised. Especially with the sleep apnoea. It just takes a quick look at the tonsils. You can't see your ads, they have a feel in theatre and take them out if they're large. We have children in for tonsils and adenoids due to sleep apnoea all the time.

I would push for a sleep study and an ent referral. Videoing the sleep apnoea for them to see also helps if you haven't done so already.

[Marilynsbigsister]

My greatest fear would be the practical ones . Are you married or do you have your own independent income stream(in which case it doesn't matter)..... If you are not married, have taken maternity leave/ sahm you need to protect your interest by getting married ASAP . (£125 for basic legal formalities - save up for the big do when you have the where with all but that isn't important right now, you have a child. !)