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Help me make a decision. Full story

(16 Posts)
NCforthisshit Fri 12-Feb-16 11:10:25

I need some help to make a big decision, this is the full story, im not looking for sympathy, just honest opinions.

I was with my ex for 3 1/2 years, 5 weeks ago i left her and moved back in with my mum because i became ill and needed to get help.

This is gonna be long but i dont wanna drip feed, im 24 and my partners 34 with 5 children ageing from 15-7, she has ptsd and i have servere anxiety and depression.

we met when we both lived in homeless accommodation, she was ecasping her violent exH who tried to kill her and my mum had lost her job at a place that we had live in accommodation. Our relationship happened quite fast and 2 month later we were living together, evrything was perfect untill about 6 month in, she started telling me she hated my friends and they were bad influences, so i stopped talking to most of them and ended up only seeing 1 or 2 close friends. As time went on the controlling behaviour got worse to the point i wasnt allowed to watch tv if there were girls in the programme, i wasnt allowed to listen to music if they were female singers, i wasnt allowed on any social networking sites because she thought i was talking to girls, in the end i got rid of my phone just to keep the peace. We moved house about a year after we got together, things were good for about 4 month and then she started again, i couldnt walk down the street without being accused of looking at girls, i couldnt talk to anybody i knew because she would get jealous, i was emotionally drained by this point and i stoped going out just to stop the arguments.

September this year she decided she was going to college and i supported her as she is actually brilliant at what she wanted to do and i thought it would give her something else to focus on, by this point i was playing mum to the DC, i was getting them up, dressed and to school, picking them up, doing tea and homework, doing baths and bedtime, she actually didnt really have a roll in there lives, she would just let them do whatever they wanted.

She has been violent on a few occasions and ive never once hit her back, shes always applogised and seemed very sorry so ive forgave her. The past 5 weeks i havent been there shes been going to therapy and has told me shes going to change but im not convinced. She wants me to go back but i really dont wanna go back to that life.

Is it possible for her to change or should i keep well away?

Keeptrudging Fri 12-Feb-16 11:15:39

Keep well away. Go and work on getting yourself into a healthy place mentally. She sounds very, very difficult. It's not your role in life to make her better, you've given her enough chances. In fact, RUN!flowers

Clobbered Fri 12-Feb-16 11:18:46

I agree. Stay well away. People don't change that much, and certainly not in such a short time frame. For the sake of your own mental health, you don't need to be around her. Get the help you need and don't let your ex drag you back down. Good luck.

munkynutts Fri 12-Feb-16 11:20:48

She is abusing you. You sound very loving. You need to leave. You will find someone else.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Fri 12-Feb-16 11:20:56

I remember your last thread. Stay away. Too much baggage, too much abuse. Work on your own mental health and when you feel better, look for a nice woman your own age who can make your life better as you do hers.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 12-Feb-16 11:27:59

She's hit you, that's completely unacceptable. She's possessive of you and prefers you are isolated from your friends but likes the convenience of you being available to look after her children while she studies and betters herself, now you're being looked after by your mum, so care only goes one way in that relationship.

The more space between you two the better.

iminshock Fri 12-Feb-16 11:45:27

Run in the opposite direction

ridemesideways Fri 12-Feb-16 11:52:55

Stay away. Weeks is nothing. No time at all.

If she's genuine about rehabilitation this takes much, much longer and you don't just move back in, no way.

Please nurture yourself.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 12-Feb-16 13:16:12

Keep away for your own mental health.
In short, she wants her child minder back.
Please find work on yourself and then find yourself someone who is not abusive and doesn't hit you and has far less baggage.
You know what you should be doing so do it.
5 weeks, to turn from a nasty abusive, controlling, violent person into a decent one!??? Nope - no way does that happen.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 12-Feb-16 13:50:01

I also remember your other thread and agree with the above opinions that you are best advised to consider this relationship well and truly over and chalk it up to experience.

Five weeks, or five months for that matter, is unlikely to produce any positive change in your ex's behaviour and unless she was on a waiting list for therapy, it's equally unlikely that she would have been able to access counselling so quickly unless she is seeing a student counsellor who may not have the necessary expertise to unravel the complex issues which are afflicting her.

You've been through a lot in your young life. It's now time to put yourself first and forge ahead with your career/work and, eventually, find a young woman with whom you can look forward to starting your own family at some future date.

MyKingdomForBrie Fri 12-Feb-16 13:54:55

Definitely stay away. Will she be caring for the children properly in your absence? If not I might be tempted to let SS know.

NCforthisshit Fri 12-Feb-16 14:11:07

Hey, thankyou for the replies. i was having a doubtful moment and thinking about going back, shes very convincing.

SS are already involved so they'll be keeping an eye on her as they know im not there.

Shes been in and out of counseling for the past 2 year she gets seen pretty quickly as she has a long term illness which i dont think i can discuss as it can be classed as slander.

I know you are all right and i have to keep away, i just sometimes have these moments where i have the urge to go back sad.

category12 Fri 12-Feb-16 14:16:10

You're going to feel doubts and maybe even guilt, but you have been treated really badly and been suffering in this controlling relationship. You did the right thing leaving. Don't go back. You might be best off dropping all contact with her.

NCforthisshit Fri 12-Feb-16 17:06:42

The only way she can reach me is via email, which she does every other day, yesterday it was to tell me that she was going to sleep with loads of different girls because thats what she thinks im doing.

I have my first cbt session next week and im doing well on the medication ive been given ( 4 a day) some days are better than other and im still pretty bed bound.

ridemesideways Fri 12-Feb-16 17:32:32

Wow. So she's still being abusive. You can maybe block her emails, or create a filter where they get sent straight to trash.

pocketsaviour Fri 12-Feb-16 20:27:36

Block her email address. Block her on any social media you have. You need a complete detox from this damaging woman. Concentrate on your own health and happiness. You deserve way better!

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