I've name changed for this as DS knows my username and I want to keep this separate.
I'm in my 50s. My father died a few years ago, my mum is still alive although rather elderly. According to my mum, he worshipped the ground I walked on. My recollection is very different: he was overbearing, intolerant and weak. He drank steadily and heavily. He treated my mum like a skivvy. He made no effort to understand my point of view and did a pretty good job of stifling and alienating me. When I was 14 he didn't like the back chat I was giving him and belted me across the face. After that all my emotions towards him switched off.
As I was drifting off to sleep last night, I cupped my chin in my hand, and suddenly felt transported back 40 odd years. I remembered, vividly, my dad holding me by the chin and pulling me near a lamp, and saying (slurring) what wonderful bone structure I had. I would have been about 13 I should think. I remember feeling embarrassed and awkward and pulling away. It was creepy.
I started thinking more about my childhood and then remembered some photos my dad took of me. He was very keen on photography, mainly dull rural landscapes if I recall correctly. However when I was probably about 10, he took some pictures of me. I think my mum was there too but can't remember exactly. In some of them, I'm posing around in my brownie uniform, and playing the piano. But in others, I'm completely naked. I can remember two photos, one where I'm playing the piano naked, and one where I'm sort of loitering in a doorway. I remember rather enjoying being the centre of attention although for the life of me I can't imagine why either of my parents would have encouraged me to strip off, or if I had done of my own accord (why would I do that?) why they would have let me prance about. And why the hell did they think that taking photos was a good idea. To be clear, both my parents were extremely prudish, we certainly weren't naturists.
I think the photos might have been Polaroids. I don't imagine the pictures would have been sent off for developing. I do remember my mum saying not to show them to anyone in case they got the wrong idea. I'm pretty sure the pictures were destroyed fairly quickly although what do I know?
I can't speak to my mum about this: she's elderly, vulnerable and not in good health. She adored my dad and will never hear a bad word against him, never did.
As I've pondered on this, I remember a few other creepy things from the same sort of period. I can't recall any physical abuse, and I'm not trying to do so. But I want to make sense of all of this and don't really know where to turn. I feel that I want to talk it through with someone (therapist??), but don't know where to start or even if that is what one would talk to a therapist about.
I realise this is long and vague, and thank you for bearing with me. The battery on my phone is about to pack in so apologies if I'm not back for a bit.
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My dad, my childhood and memories: don't know what to think (long and might be triggering)
13 replies
Whathaveiremembered · 09/02/2016 23:27
OP posts:
0dfod ·
10/02/2016 19:30
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