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Advice on how to repair marriage

(17 Posts)
Howdowedotthis Tue 09-Feb-16 18:02:26

Me and dh haven't been good for months, arguing etc. we have both done wrong things which have led to me feeling like I need to push him away. I'm quite insecure and take things to heart so I don't want to be hurt and have formed a wedge between us. We both want to try and make this work but where do we start?

SuperKingDuvet Tue 09-Feb-16 18:13:46

Imo it's really hard to get back to where you were before it all went wrong. I have tried it myself without success.

Do you have DC? Maybe some time away, just you and him if you can arrange it.

Or maybe counselling would help you both to air your grievances in a more positive way?

Howdowedotthis Tue 09-Feb-16 18:35:15

Hi yes we have 1 DC and I have a DC too who calls dh step dad. We can't really have any time away as both work, the DCs etc. we may need to consider counselling, that's probably our last resort. We really want this to work but i can't really get over the past sad

SuperKingDuvet Tue 09-Feb-16 18:41:25

What does the past entail? At least you are starting from the same point if you both want to make it work.

Howdowedotthis Tue 09-Feb-16 18:44:27

I don't want to 'out' myself no cheating but hurtful things done by dh probably just because he didn't 'think' I'm quite insecure so haven't met it drop and have become very distant and upset easily and have become hard to live with as I question his every move, I just don't know how to put my insecurities behind me and be the person I used to?

SuperKingDuvet Tue 09-Feb-16 18:50:04

I think counselling would be helpful. You could go individually, or joint - or both.

If you don't hit it off with the counsellor, be sure to change and try another.

Good Luck!

Howdowedotthis Tue 09-Feb-16 21:02:27

Thank you for the reply, unsure uf we can afford counselling I'll have to look into it, very worried I can't go back to being the way I was before everything! sad

HeddaGarbled Tue 09-Feb-16 22:34:55

I don't want to make assumptions because I know we can all get a bit "the man must be to blame" on here, but are you sure that you being insecure hasn't been caused by him doing hurtful things and actually you are right not to trust him?

You don't have to give any details if you don't want to but for example, if he was flirting with other women, sending flirty texts to other women, comparing you to other women, being very critical of you, then that would be hurtful of him and bound to make you feel insecure.

Why do you feel that you are equally to blame when it is him who has done the hurtful things? If you are hurt, you are hurt and if you are genuinely over sensitive or insecure maybe he needs to recognise that, improve his behaviour and step up the reassurance.

Howdowedotthis Tue 09-Feb-16 22:41:33

I can say it's definitely something like those things you said. I'm really insecure, I constantly ask where he's going etc check his phone etc, so I feel I must be really hard to live with. I've also said nasty things in an argument as he has too. I don't want to be this insecure person and I'd like to just be happy but I'm unsure how to do this?

SuperKingDuvet Tue 09-Feb-16 22:44:43

See if your GP can organise counselling on the NHS. Might be a waiting list though.

Finallyonboard Tue 09-Feb-16 22:47:06

My advice is time! I adore my DH but we went through a bad patch and I was worried about our future. Ten years later and we're stronger than ever.

Don't give up flowers

marika56 Tue 09-Feb-16 23:50:03

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Isetan Wed 10-Feb-16 06:04:28

Counselling is a lot cheaper than divorce, is your anxiety stopping you from counselling?

Howdowedotthis Wed 10-Feb-16 08:15:17

No I guess we just never thought counselling was for us, we don't like discussing things to others we are quite 'private' in that sense. I'm really trying but I feel awful when he tries to touch me and I try to keep my distance sad I honestly don't know how to move on!

Howdowedotthis Wed 10-Feb-16 09:00:27

Has anyone else managed to make their marriage survive? We both work so when he's off I'm usually at work etc so we see little of each other but when we do I just have nothing to say except things about DC. We talk but it just goes round in circles, what's been done is done it can't be took away. When we get close I just don't enjoy it, I just feel numb and really heartbroken we both do.

Mamaka Wed 10-Feb-16 10:44:18

Hi, I'm also trying to make my marriage work. I've just found out Relate offer 6 discounted sessions (£20 per session) if you're on low income, tax credits etc. Gp referral also a potential. If you see your gp I would lay it on thick and then outright ask for the referral otherwise they won't give it.

CandleWithHair Wed 10-Feb-16 10:47:06

Also with asking if your employer offers anything to do with counseling. I was surprised to find out mine did.

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