Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I'm struggling to make sense of the relationship that I am in.
We went to Relate a few times - I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore because of how much he upset me and that I wanted him to realise that I had genuine reasons for not wanting to be with him, rather than him believing that I was crazy and that any problems were just in my head.
He did improve a bit after that - he doesn't shout and swear so much and has started to be a little more helpful.
But, I just don't feel like I have any respect or love left for him.
We have a 6 year old son who thinks his father is great.
My partner also has problems with alcohol and I've just found he has been taking prescription drugs that he bought on line. He is obviously stressed and I really don't think that he is suited to having a family. I've tried talking to his gp, but he said that he cannot help him unless he asks for help himself.
I feel that I hardly know him. He never talks to me about how he feels. He keeps me separate from his family - I've met his mother once in 11 years.
He absolutely refuses to talk to me about separating and says that I would be destroying our son's life and that I am just being selfish.
I don't think that I can stay with him anymore, but I don't think I have the strength to go it alone and be a happy mother to my son.
I feel like everything is a mess and I don't know what to do.
You've got to get out by the sounds of it. Life isn't a rehearsal, you only get one shot at it & it sounds like he's making you miserable
He absolutely refuses to talk to me about separating and says that I would be destroying our son's life and that I am just being selfish
Tell him that his selfishness has destroyed the love you once felt for him and that you are not prepared to continue raising your ds with a man who abuses alcohol and prescription drugs he buys online as you fear that, despite your best efforts to provide some counterbalance to his df's excesses, your ds may follow his example in his adult life.
If he kicks off and starts shouting and swearing don't hesitate to call the police emergency number - 999 - and have him removed from your home for breaching the peace by behaving in an intimadatory manner.
I don't think I have the strength to go it alone and be a happy mother to my son Separating from the abusive leech who is sucking the joy out of your life will re-energise you and, far from having a problem finding "the strength to go it alone", you'll be raring to forge ahead with creating an enjoyable life for you and your ds in which you'll both be free to become all you were meant to be.
What are your current financial circumstances and what names are shown on your tenancy/mortgage agreement and utility bills?
I wanted him to realise that I had genuine reasons for not wanting to be with him, rather than him believing that I was crazy and that any problems were just in my head
He will never see that . He will never agree to you leaving. You either have to stay or leave without his permission and approval .
You CANNNOT fix what is wrong with him.
"What are your current financial circumstances and what names are shown on your tenancy/mortgage agreement and utility bills?"
The mortgage is in our joint names.
I do not have an income. I planned to return to work when my son was a year old, to a job I loved and had been in for 5 years, but at the time I was feeling so unhappy and vulnerable, I felt I could not leave my son who seemed to be all I had left in the world. When he was 6 months old, we were all on holiday staying at my family's house and my partner was very abusive towards my sister and terrified her. It caused a huge row and he was very nasty and rude to my mother. It resulted in none of my family speaking to me for 2 1/2 years.
Back to your question though, I don't have an income of my own. My partner does not discuss money with me. I tried to ask him a month or so ago how things were financially. He said 'fine' and when I tried to ask him what that meant, he got really angry with me and said I was nagging and selfish and shouted so much that he lost his voice. Then, 2 weeks ago, out of the blue, he asked me if I had any money to pay the mortgage, which is in our joint names, as he had no money left.
I do have some savings, as an emergency fund for me and my son. I told him I could only use it if it was for the mortgage and not if he was going to buy alcohol with it. He told me he would stop drinking, but he hasn't.
I honestly do not know what he does with all the money that he earns. My savings are from when we were both working, before I had our son. We each paid exactly half of all the bills and mortgage etc and then I saved what I had left. He as always earned 2 - 3 times my salary and yet has never managed to save anything. When we bought the house, I carefully calculated that I would be able to manage it easily on just my income, i.e. 1/3 - 1/2 of his income, so I don't understand how he can say he has no money.
The more I think about things and when I see it written down in black and white, the more I want to get away from him, but I just don't know how. He will not discuss it. As it stands, it seems that the only way to get away from him is for me and my son to leave, but for me to pay the mortgage so that the house does not get repossessed. No income and having to pay a mortgage and rent somewhere else simply does not add up.
I cannot believe that it has come to this. I have never been in debt or had any financial problems in my whole life. I've never even had a credit card. I was a [removed by MNHQ for privacy] and now I can't even get a job as I have no experience of any other work and it is just not possible to fit 12 hour days with nights on call and weekends working around looking after a small child.
I don't think that I can stay with him anymore, but I don't think I have the strength to go it alone and be a happy mother to my son
You're clearly a very intelligent and resourceful woman to be a qualified vet.
What makes you think that you are less able to go it alone and be happy as millions of women are currently doing?
I'm concerned because he's ground you down so much that your self confidence can be this low
In your job you have had plenty of occasions where things haven't gone to plan or been predictable and you have needed to think about the best way to proceed to give the best outcome. That's exactly what you need to do now, plan for your best outcomes even if you aren't sure, do the best you can.
The alternative of you not taking action is staying and your son have an addict to model his behaviour on with his mum sanctioning that behaviour
I know it feels terrifying to leave (I had a similar situation but no mortgage at the time) but one day I just got everything my daughter and I owned, hired a van whilst he was at work (got my parents to help, im sure yours would despite the fall out, this is what they want for you too) and moved into a small flat. I had no idea, no idea about benefits etc and it took me months to apply but you would need to ring tax credits on the day you leave, I would also ring your local council to see if you can get help with your rent (you have a mortgage, so it may be best to sell your house or take your name off the mortgage). Move near your family and friends as you will need their support! Get a part time job, anything! I work on a cosmetics counter and it's fun and social (not bitchy at all like everyone thinks, best thing I ever did!). A social job would be nice for you, make you feel alive again! I have a 5 year old and she goes to either an after school club or childminder (I have a new partner but you will get help with your childcare costs). Just do it, is the best advice..go and run! Because the more you think about it, the more you will put yourself off with what ifs etc.
He will be angry and say he will change but go into robot mode and if he keeps texting or knocking, call the police EVERY TIME! It will stop that way, because he will probably try to make life very difficult for you. Do not let him! There's loads of helplines I found so useful, look on nhs domestic abuse and there's a number, it was so good to talk to someone and get advice! Good luck and be brave! X
You will be shocked at how 'fine' you will actually be!
Shrubbery - do you want to leave ?
You need to work out how you would manage on your own . Do you want to stay in your house and have your H leave ? Or move out and sell the family home ?
You need to explore getting back to work and sorting out childcare for your son. Have you looked at vacancies? Could you manage on a part time wage ? Is your experience is small animal or mixed ?
He is emotionally and financially abusive. If that seems hard to believe, please call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 and they will confirm it. You could also check these signs of emotional abuse and/or read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.
Please talk to Women's Aid and get support to leave this abusive man.
"I do have some savings, as an emergency fund for me and my son."
Please DO NOT give him any of your savings. You need legal advice about your financial situation and mortgage as a matter of urgency. Women's Aid should be able to tell you if you can get legal aid and might have a list of solicitors. And/or you could call Rights of Women as they have a free legal helpline. Lastly your local CAB might be able to offer initial legal advice and give you a list of solicitors. They can also advise you on other things including benefits, child maintenance, and going back to work.
Oh and how much he earns shouldn't be relevant. I used to earn 6 times that of my now DH when we first lived together. Now I'm a SAHM/WFHM. DH and I have always had an equal share of disposable income. That's fair because we value each other equally and it's no relevant what our jobs value us at.
Thank you all for your help and advice.
I went to see Women's Aid today and they were absolutely brilliant. I have a lot to think about, but I think I can start to make sense of some of it now.
I got offered a really good job today too, which I am thrilled about. And the car broke down, which I'm not so thrilled about.
All in all quite a day and enough to make my brain really hurt!
Thank you all again for your words of support. xxx
Wow! Congratulations on the new job and well done for going to see Women's Aid. Both fantastic news that even a broken down car shouldn't be allowed to spoil!
Keep up the good work - but for now have a well deserved relaxing evening!
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.