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Exh pressuring me to take ds to visit him abroad...

9 replies

afromom · 07/02/2016 23:38

A bit of background...
I have a ds (11) with Exh. I now live with my dp and ds in the uk. Exh lives in his home country and travels to the uk to visit ds once or twice a year.
Exh has this week had a baby with his new dp and ds is understandably excited (he has a step sister through my dp, but has always wanted a brother or sister from either me or Exh).
Exh has been pressurising for a while for me to take ds to his home country. I don't feel comfortable with this (it is not a place I feel comfortable visiting, and would need a multitude of injections and tablets to go).
Ds has today broken down and said he really wants to go, but he is also scared and anxious. I have told him I can't take him this year or perhaps until he is old enough to travel with just dad alone, which will be quite some time, as he suffers from an anxiety disorder which his dad will not recognise, food allergies that his dad doesn't protect him from and also is known to take him out for hours on end without feeding him. His dad's new dp is also a very jealous person and one time ripped all of Exh photos of ds up as she was jealous of his love for his son
I am not going to to take ds over there and have explained to him why. He says he understands and wants me to tell his dad asap as every time he talks to him he says about him coming to visit.
I am dreading the conversation as I know he will kick off big time. But I am completely unsure of my rights around stopping him taking ds with him without me.
He has parental responsibility too and I no have evidence, other than my word and that of family and friends of his complete inability to care for ds.
Does anyone have any suggestions about where I can go from here?

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AnyFucker · 07/02/2016 23:42

Do not take your son abroad to see him

Your ex might "kick off" but what can he really do from hundreds of miles away. Stay firm.

When his father visits make sure your child's passport is on your person

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afromom · 07/02/2016 23:47

I am definitely not going to take him, and I have his passport and birth certificate etc in our safe. Exh will not come to our house, he will stay at a hotel.
It worries me that he might try to get a passport for him when he comes over (he has a copy of his birth certificate from years ago when he was applying for citizenship)
I think the other part of me feels like ds is going to blame me for stopping him from seeing his dad, which I am 100% sure he will tell him!
It has all been so civilised so far, but it's about to go to shit

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AnyFucker · 07/02/2016 23:48

Then so be it. That would not be your fault. Worry only about the things you have control over.

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bibliomania · 08/02/2016 09:51

If there is a genuine risk that your ex may try to apply for a passport order, you can contact the passport agency and ask them to put a note on the file that a passport should not be issued to the child's father. (I did this - it helped that I had a court order). Further advice on //www.reunite.org

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bibliomania · 08/02/2016 09:52

apply for passport, not passport order.

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drspouse · 08/02/2016 10:23

Presumably exH could apply for DS' passport from his home country embassy too? Best to check what the legalities are with that (not least that your DS may not be able to return to the UK on just that passport, even if born in the UK).

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Aussiemum78 · 08/02/2016 10:33

What country is it?

How long since he's seen his son?

I would encourage contact by phone and letter but it's up to your ex to come see his son. Not the other way around.

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afromom · 08/02/2016 18:16

I don't think he will try to get a passport for him, it's probably too much hassle for him, but it's always been something I've worried about, especially if I don't 'do as he asks'.
The country is not part of The Hague convention, and I don't have an address for him out there so once he has him over there I have very little power. It's also a country where men tend to have the rights over the children.
Unfortunately there is no court order and I don't think I could provide sufficient evidence of the risk of him applying for a passport for him.

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afromom · 08/02/2016 18:19

DS does have regular contact with his dad, his aunts and uncles and grandparents via what's app, viber and phone calls. I also keep Exh updated on what ds is up to and any issues health/school wise etc. So I do a lot to make sure the keep regular contact.
I also drive them around when he comes to visit, as buses are not good in our town, to make sure ds gets to do nice things with him.
It just seems that the more I do, the more he asks for and I think now is the time to start saying no!