Would you call out a friend that lied to you ?

[Whywaitfortomorrow]

Haven't been myself for a long time. Started counselling very recently. One of my closest friends has been quite distant lately, since before Xmas when they moved house. She works part-time and often chops and changes her days so if I need to call her I usually do in evening. The other day I messaged to see if I could drop some new house things off to her in the evening and of course she said fine. She called that afternoon, I can't remember about what and I was surprised as it was one of her work days. When I asked her about that she just said she wasn't feeling well so had swapped her days. That evening, I popped into hers with another friend and as they were talking, it turned out she had gone into town shopping with a different friend, someone I know of but don't know as it is someone she knows from another part of her life. Anyway, both friends carried on talking, I felt invisible, and I didn't feel strong enough to call out. It has been on my mind since and we are getting together this weekend. If there is one thing that is really important to her is honesty and integrity and it is so out of character. I am already hypersensitive at the moment and had asked her a couple of weeks ago if I had done something since she was being so distant. She is one of my oldest friends, and we have had so many brilliant times through good and bad. I just don't know why she would have so obviously lied to me.

[MoominPie22]

So she was out shopping but told u she was off sick frm work? I've no idea why she would lie about something so minor. It's not worth lying about at all is it? I would def ask her about it tho. Nobody likes being lied to, it's disrespectful and even more so if it's a good friend doin the lying.

[Whywaitfortomorrow]

I am quite upset about it. I wrote 'shopping' as felt I was rambling already. They had gone to London for a personal shopping experience. Why she said she had a sore throat and was a bit tired and off sick I don't know. But Moomin you're right. I feel like I have been treated as a fool. I think she is leaving me alone to get on with getting myself sorted but that is still no reason to lie to me.

[TotalConfucius]

Perhaps there is something going on in her life that she feels is best not shared with you at the moment as you are not well yourself? Maybe a work situation, hence the change to her working pattern. Perhaps the friend she went to town with has special knowledge or skills that could be useful to your friend. Perhaps the friend is going through some troubling times and your friend was helping out in some way. Your friend doesn't seem to be 'dropping' you - just in your OP you mention that she phoned you, said of course you could visit that evening, and you have plans for this weekend. If she is generally supportive, I'd let it go and concentrate to enjoying her company.

[SoThatHappened]

She's probably sick of you.

You speak of being hypersensitive and if you NEED to call her.

I say this as someone who is battling depression and lots of bad life experiences and most of my close friends have backed off. It happens.

Just leave it. If you say something you'll look more desperate.

[Whywaitfortomorrow]

Thanks Total. I just feel that she didn't need to lie to me. We are such old friends that it wouldn't have mattered if she'd told me the truth. It felt worse because she is always so up front and honest.

I'm really sorry to hear that SoThatHappened. I'm usually the one that backs off. I would rather not say anything than actually open up about how I feel. I guess this is how it starts then. Hope you are getting the support you need.

[SoThatHappened]

No support at all whywait.

But it is insidious and you are seeing the start of it. When my problems first began, my friends were all there around me, as I have been them in the past. But now...after it has gone on for a while, no one even asks that often as they dont want to hear the answer.

[something2say]

Hmmmmm. Well this isn't happy reading......!!

I do wonder tho if she made the plan and then lied to you about it. Perhaps she thought you'd feel bad if she told you, but she just fancied a happy day out shopping?

I'm not sure I'd ask. I think that at times we bore people or they get sick of hearing about our problems. At these times I take heed and make more effort to be good company.

I read something years ago which stuck; that we cannot expect all of our friends to rally round our every crisis every time, and that we don't have to do the same in reverse.

X

[forumdonkey]

Maybe she feared your reaction to hearing she was shopping with another friend. Although you say you would not react to this, your over reaction to her 'lie' is evident by your post and even the fact you posted at all. You are not your friends keeper and she doesn't need to justify her time or why she isn't at work to you.

[XiCi]

Maybe she didn't feel too good in the morning, swapped her shift then felt better in the afternoon and did something with her friend instead of wasting the day.

If she had gone to the trouble of concocting a strange lie re her day off, she would hardly then sit and talk about the shopping day in front of you would she. If she has never lied to you before and she is a good friend I would just forget this and assume that you had got the wrong end of the stick

[perfectlyfine]

Sorry you're going through a hard time, whywait

Maybe because you're feeling hypersensitive, and I have already enquired about your friend being distant, she didn't want to upset you further when you were talking on the phone.

I have to admit, I occasionally try to spare other peoples' feelings and don't discuss my other plans which don't include them. I know it's really unassertive but some people are more sensitive and can feel left out if they aren't included. She maybe felt an instant pang of guilt and chose the easy route of bluff. I'm not suggesting you're like that but I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

She obviously wasn't too precious about it if she then forgot and talked about it in front on you! I don't think she's sick of you at all. (why would you even say that sothathappenede )Far from it she knows you're a bit fragile and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Try not to read to much into it and no, I wouldn't bring it up.

[SoThatHappened]

I mean classic example.....a friend a while ago suggested I join her at birthday drinks for another mutual friend tonight. I hadnt heard back from the mutual friend who was supposed to invite me.

I just saw the pictures of them out together on facebook..... Eh so what! They arent obliged to invite me everywhere. I dont care at all.

Perhaps your friend knows you're hypersensitive and then forgot she lied to you. But she can honestly do what she likes.