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Lack of common interests and withdrawing when I need him.(14 Posts)
I'm starting to get a bit concerned about my marriage. Been together 10 years with 2 kids. I have never really had a hobby or a passion as such, just the usual stuff like books telly, films etc. Dh has 2 hobbies which he is really into at the moment. He is so enthusiastic about them, and I must admit I feel jealous and resentful at times. I'm going through a real low period just now, and if I'm honest have not been good for a while. He has had mental health issues and I did my upmost to support him. He just seems to become distant when I need his support. Knowing that I'm low he still went to a competition for his hobby with some friends and his brother on Saturday leaving me with the kids all day. We had an OK day but its not the point really. I just wish he would commit the same enthusiasm and energy into the kids and me as he does his passions in life. We have hardly any shared interests and if he can't even be there when I need him what's the point.
I know I'm very negative at the moment as I'm depressed, am I being unreasonable and needy?
Try to find a new passion or hobby or new friends for yourself if you can get time away from the kids.
If the competition was prearranged then YABU
I know I should. I was running but that's fallen by the wayside since my mood has crashed. I will get back to that. It's not a passion of mine though, just something I do sometimes. I feel like I don't have the enthusiasm for a new hobby. It winds me up that he has spoken to his mate 3 times today about the said hobby. He's so animated and excited about it but we don't see anything like that enthusiasm for anything in this house. I just sat down to show him different styles of the home improvements we are about to start, then his mate called again and he went off to speak about the same hobby AGAIN!!! He came back and didn't even ask to see what I was about to show him. He's just so unengaged with me at the moment. Right when I need him the most.
You might not be able to change his behaviour, but you can change yours. It doesn't sound as if you need an all-consuming hobby like he has, so no need to be envious of that. You have your DCs and are able to have fun with them and of course DCs massively appreciate that. However, you could carve out some time for yourself. You say you like films, could you arrange to go and see one with a girlfriend/sister/DM? Maybe have a meal beforehand, so you have a chance to chat. DH would, of course be parenting DCs in order to enable this. What do you think? If it works, it could become a regular thing - monthly, 6-weekly, twice yearly, whatever works best for you.
Thanks for your suggestions. I am going out tonight and saw a friend today so feeling a little brighter. But my point is this; if I was to spend as much time doing my hobbies as he does on his, the kids would hardly ever see us together! It's bad enough that I work past their bedtimes 3 nights a week, for me then to start sodding off on my evenings off and weekends to do my own thing, the poor kids! I would feel so guilty. I feel guilty enough about work anyway. It's just not fair! He has the luxury of working full time and doing things for himself without any guilt at all ever!! I just feel resentful, I know its unreasonable but its how I feel.
Your not being unreasonable, but you do need to talk to him and tell him how your feeling otherwise nothing at all will change. Your not asking anything major from him, just normal things like show an interest when your speaking to him. He sounds like an emotionless robot.
you'll change yourself before you'll change him.
Ice always worked on thirds.
Leisure time is divided into thirds. 1/3 me time, 1/3 us time, 1/3 family time. Works for us.
I think you need to get better first before you assess the situation. what if you literally scheduled in 'me' time more? If you've got depression then a hour or two off just to be you/go for a walk or run or swim/book group is not unfair on your kids - it is in their interest that you get better. I'd book this time in with your husband so it is regular and clear - you don't need a big hobby but you maybe need to get a sense of self back?
I say this cos I am friends with a couple who have both had depression and they've had a bit of an emotional seesaw around hobbies, and the time his takes. And that's fair of her in one sense but in another his hobby has been a really sensible thing he's done to get himself out of his depression. It is tough with young kids, not enough time and trying to both find what it takes to recover from mh issues that mean you could both do with a bit more time and space. I wish you well
Hi foofoo, sorry to hear you are feeling down .From my own experience the best way to improve your mood is to get some exercise. I am no gym bunny, far from it in fact, but since I started Zumba I absolutely love it. I go off peak at my local council run gym, and I fit classes round work and childcare.
Zumba may not be for you, but have a look and see what is out there. It is only a couple of hours a week, but it really has made me feel so much better, mentally and physically.
There is tonnes of voluntary work out there too, and knowing you are doing something positive to help other people is such a boost too.
A hobby or interest doesn't have to be totally time consuming, but you deserve some me time, same as hubby. Do you have a friend who could maybe join something with you?
Don't feel guilty about the kids, believe me they will be happier if you are happier, and it is also healthy for them to see you trying new things
On a more practical note, are you receiving any kind of treatment for your depression? Medication? Counselling? The MIND website is very good .
I love Zumba too! And I am so not a gym bunny. But walking is also great exercise and you could sometimes walk with the kids, so you wouldn't have to feel guilty about not being with them.
Thanks for all the suggestions. I used to do Zumba with a friend but they stopped the one I used to do. Maybe I'll try and find another class. I do need to do something more I think. Even going out last night made me feel loads better. I've been so tired lately too. I'm hoping cutting caffeine out will help with the drained feeling I have every evening!
2 kids under 10 is tiring though, especially if you do the majority of the childcare! If your area is anything like mine, Zumba classes are springing up all over the place, so you might well find there's a new one at a time you can attend - good luck & enjoy!
Joysmum that would have to be quarters if you've got a partner, though. If you spend 1/3 of the time on your own interests, when does your partner have the same chance?
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