My father wants to get back in touch...

[SpottedLorax]

I haven't had any contact with my father for almost 20 years. He left us when I was very small and we had regular court appointed contact so saw him every other weekend.
He has never been a particularly good father figure - psid minimum maintenance, often late, always trying to wriggle out of it leaving us in poverty. Never contributed emotionally, financially or logistically. Mildly EA - taunts of being fat, constant using of us as weapons, nasty calls, threats to take us away from our mother, malicious ss reports etc.
I was frankly relieved when I stopped seeing him at 18.

Anyway, all fine and dandy until this week when I answered my phone and it was him. He had 'tracked me down' (I live abroad, phone and addresses are public records here so I can't withhold this info and there's no point changing my number.)

Cue a long rambling monologue about how he's thought about me daily (doubtful) and plenty of self pity. No apology for being crap, no acknowledgement that he never bothered with us. Etc.

I know why he's called. His mother recently died and I recently had his first grandchild. Since then things have been arriving in the post.

I'm extremely worried they are going to turn up on my doorstep- they have form for 'gestures.'

Over my dead body will they see my son. They blighted my childhood and they are not doing the same again.

So just a rant really

Any tips on how to relax a bit about this? It's really stressed me :(

[MrsJayy]

Poor you just ignore his calls and forget about it I wouldn't know my dad if he passed me in the street he wasn't allowed to see me after divorce because he failed to pick me up at set times etc anyway If you want nothing to do with your dad then tell yourself he means nothing to you or your family he doesn't get to stress you.

[MrsJayy]

Send stuff back with a letter pointing you want know more to leave you alone

[SpottedLorax]

It's all been binned as soon as it hit the postbox. ;)

What do I do if he turns up on my doorstep? He's not having any access to my son if I can help it. He doesn't have any rights does he? :(

[OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer]

how to relax? very very difficult sadly. If you can't block them and threaten them with legal action then there's no easy answer.

Only thing I can think of is putting the phone down on him every time he rings. Does it come up as "number withheld"? If not, then block him.

If he does turn up at the doorstep, plan how to handle it. What's the best result of this unwanted meeting? not seeing him ever again? plan how to achieve that. first steps: don't under any circumstances let him in. At all. You might have to be hard-hearted about it and uncivil to make it clear, it's really quite hard not to invite someone in who's come a long way. But you need to stick to your guns.

Maybe use the broken record technique: "you tried to get us taken away by SS, you left us in poverty, you never liked or wanted us then. I don't want contact with you. Everythign you send is given away". Repeated over and over, phone or face-to-face. Literally say nothing else, even when he starts the "I want to see my grandson" thing. He'll try to derail you. Again, keep in mind the goal you want: no more contact from your father.

If he's in the same country as you, is there any legal information available on how to stop harassment?

Maybe take some assertiveness training even??

Good luck, this sort of anxiety is horrible.

[OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer]

I think you need a bit of research / legal advice on his 'rights' about his grandson too, actually. If you find out as much as you can, that's a solid help.

[MrsJayy]

He has no rights to anything or anybody your son is not his to see when the notion takes him what do you do you close the door in his face.

[AnyFucker]

He has no "rights" to see your son.

[SpottedLorax]

Hopefully he doesn't. He will act like he does though. He is monumentally self absorbed. What struck me about the phone cal was how 'me me me' it was. No apology or trying to make amends, just how wronged he felt and how he'd been deprived of us (our mother was the one who insisted we see him by the way, so he's wrong on that.) it was interesting to experience it as an adult actually. Different power balance I suppose.

The more I think about it the more pissed off I get. But I am terribly anxious he is just going to pitch up on my doorstep.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Dear Fred,

I have been thinking hard about our relationship since you first contacted me. Unfortunately I have realised that I have few positive memories of you from my childhood.

My main memories are you trying to avoid paying maintenance - leaving us in poverty, calling me fat, making unpleasant phone calls to us that affected us greatly and making malicious reports to social services. Although I am sure there were happy times they are very much overwhelmed by these events and, as such, I have decided that I do not want to have a relationship with you now. I also have no intention of letting you have a relationship with my child. All presents for him will be either returned or binned.

If you would like to be a positive force in our lives then information on your own and your family medical history would help me to help keep myself and my son healthy.

However, whether you provide this information or not, I do not wish to have any further contact with you beyond this. Please demonstrate that you care about me enough to respect my feelings on this.

Best regards

Spotted.

[OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer]

The OP isn't in the UK. It's possible that her legal system is different.

[SpottedLorax]

It's hard to find the information... Cases have been brought but they are more like where there has been access, then divorce of parents and one party had tried to prevent the relationship continuing.

I would fight any legal action they brought. Over my dead body will they get their hands on my child

[OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer]

sounds pretty safe legally then, even if he was the kind of person to go for that.

If his mother has just died then if you're lucky it might be a few months of maudlin self-pity from him and when he gets nothing back, he'll move on.

[Inertia]

If he turns up on the doorstep you'll have no idea who he is. Tell him you don't let strangers into your home.

[Smurfing]

My (non) relationship with my dad is very similar op. Except not abusive, just useless and a drunk who took no responsibility for his kids after the divorce. No contact for years from him and now I have kids he is sending presents and emails. I live in the same country as my dad, and he could be on my doorstep in a couple of hours - except I know he won't. Because whilst internet shopping is easy, he is still the selfish person he always was. I'm sure he waxes lyrical to his mates down the pub about visiting his grandkids and how hard done by his is. But he won't ever turn up, as its too much effort - instead I receive cards and gifts with the return address pointedly written on them - because he wants me to turn up on HIS doorstep. I suggest that your dad may be similar - if he couldn't be bothered for his own kids nothing will have changed, and the novelty of feeling extra sorry for himself now he has also "lost" his grandkids will wear off quickly. And you have the added distance and travel requirements which will only work in your favour also.

[SpottedLorax]

I hope so. It was a bizarre call - like a phone version of one of those round robin Christmas emails where people just go on about themselves... Full of self pity and me me me. Probably spinning the woe is prevented from seeing my grandchildren line, which is rich after not being bothered with your actual children for nigh in twenty years