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How do I stop myself having feelings?

(23 Posts)
LillianaVess Sun 31-Jan-16 11:13:15

Hi, I've been around here for years but mostly a continual lurker.
I ended a 10 year relationship 2 years ago. He cheated and was awful.
In October last year I started dating a man. He's so so different to anyone I have ever dated before. He's kind, nice, funny, gentle.
He has baggage (don't we all over 30?) but it means he's scared of telling his ex partner (Mother of his child) that he's dating again, as the last time (before me) she stopped him from seeing his DD for a whole year.

I've fallen absolutely head over heels in love with him. I have not told him this. I can see a real future with him. I have not introduced him to my child, nor any of my friends and family.

This relationship won't go any further until he tells his ex about me, will it?

We see each other for a few hours a week on proper dates and chat all the time on text.

How can I turn my feelings off to just enjoy myself with him and not worry about the future?

Please someone just slap me sad

I can't talk to anyone in RL as I have no real friends I can confide in, only work colleagues that I chat to.

TheTigerIsOut Sun 31-Jan-16 11:29:06

Why is it so important that he tells the ex wife? Is it because he wouldn't be able to introduce you to his children to avoid falling out with the ex wife?

If so, well you can do either of two things:
- wait and see (he may feel more comfortable to fight his corner and defend his right to continue having contact with his children and having a relationship).
- accept that this will never move into a more serious relationship, as he cannot progress the relationship without loosing contact with the children. Forget about Mr Right, he is NOT the one. Have a great time but remember, he is not to stay.
- Assume that he is bullshitting you about the whole situation to avoid a serious relationship with you. End the relationship to free some space to find a man who can love you without keeping you out of his life.

Personally, I would go for number 3. IME every man who claims the ex wife will or is interfering with contact out of jealousy is, most likely a liar. Men who want to see their children find the way to keep in touch. I would go as far as saying that he is using the ex wife as an excuse not to let you fully into his life.

lazymoz Sun 31-Jan-16 11:34:33

I disagree with the post above me. My ex husbands contact with his children was taken away pretty abruptly when his ex was told he had met someone else. It then took almost 9 months before he saw his children again through the courts, so yes this does happen.

My advice would be to continue as you both seem to be taking things slow with regards to your children which I think is very positive. Eventually his children will grow older and then mum won't have as much control over stopping contact as the children would be very vocal about why they are not seeing Dad.

LillianaVess Sun 31-Jan-16 12:03:40

Thanks Tiger and lazy moz.
Maybe I have been taken in by him, but he seems extremely genuine and honest.
He's awkward and sweet and honest. But maybe he isn't. When he told me about the DD/ex situation he was practically in tears and if he was making that up then he must be a sociopath. No other red flags that I can see for that.
I'm just going to have to accept that I fall too easily for people and care too much (I have always been like this, it's probably why I don't have any friends!)

LillianaVess Sun 31-Jan-16 12:05:26

He wanted me to meet his family, but they are close with the ex, and I didn't want them to be put in an awkward position with keeping me a secret.
It's not that I want to start meeting his DD, far from it, I just hate being a secret.

Throwingshade Sun 31-Jan-16 12:06:50

I'd be very cautious about what he's telling you and how true it is.

LillianaVess Sun 31-Jan-16 12:08:34

Yes throwingahade. I'm starting to think that too. Thank you.

TheTigerIsOut Sun 31-Jan-16 12:38:54

My ex has been crying (actual tears) to people telling how much he misses his son and that I am blocking contact. Everytime someone tells me how much exH is suffering with my "actions", I send said person back to him with details, as per SS's suggestions, on how to start the process to re establish contact. Six years of this, no response ever received.

I agree however, that I shouldn't have said "every" man who claims that is lying, but I have met quite a few in the same situation and always, there is something that doesn't sound quite right (last one had his contact with his children removed by court recently, after he battered his child during overnight contact) .

It could be all innocent, but keep an eye on things. If he offers you to meet his family again, for your own sake, say yes.

LillianaVess Sun 31-Jan-16 18:48:37

Thank you tiger, this has given me the outsiders perspective I needed.

I believe people and I care too much. I just need to work out how not to do that. sad

Isetan Sun 31-Jan-16 19:14:36

How long are you prepared to be his dirty little secret? How long are you going to accept that his Ex has the casting vote on how your relationship progresses?

Three is a crowd and while his Ex holds such power, she will remain the third party in your relationship. Step back now before you really get hurt, his awkward, genuine sweetness will lose their allure pretty damn quick when you're being fobbed off for the hundredth time.

bb888 Sun 31-Jan-16 19:17:34

Is she definitely an ex or have you become an unknowing OW?

TheTigerIsOut Sun 31-Jan-16 20:01:35

Isetan, I think it is really quite out of order to call the OP "his dirty little secret"

The OP had not done absolutely anything to be referred to in such terms.

mumsonthelash Sun 31-Jan-16 20:56:19

Sounds like he wants to go back to his wife.

mum2mum99 Sun 31-Jan-16 21:33:26

Proceed with caution. Yes he could have the kind of abusive unwanted baggage. He could still be trying to get back with his ex. You need to meet at least his family or a few people who back his story. Whatever the back story it looks like some difficult time ahead of you. Are you ready for this?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 31-Jan-16 21:33:48

You've been seeing him since October last year? Is that October 2015 or October 2014?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 31-Jan-16 21:34:19

Why don't you have friends?

LillianaVess Sun 31-Jan-16 21:41:27

October 2015.
I'm only a secret from the ex. They split about 5 years ago, maybe more. He's been in a relationship since then that's the one that stopped from seeing his DD.

I don't have friends because all my friends were mutual ones with my ex and when I finally left him they drifted to his side.

LillianaVess Sun 31-Jan-16 21:43:10

I don't think I'm an OW. I'm friends with him on fb and he's invited me to meet his friends. Nothing to say he is. I don't think he wants her back, just his DD is everything to him.

lunar1 Sun 31-Jan-16 21:54:09

Actually I think it's fine to not bring someone you've been seeing for 12 weeks into every aspect of life. It's not likely to be serious yet is it?

LillianaVess Sun 31-Jan-16 22:11:27

Lunar no it's not serious.
I just have too many feelings for him. As soon as we met it was like wow...for both of us (at least he told me that)
I just wanted some practical advice on how just to let the hell go and just enjoy. Like a figurative punch in the face.
And as I've been told I'm probably an ow and a dirty secret I've been put in my place lol

pootlebug Sun 31-Jan-16 22:16:50

I think you need to try and chill out. You've met a lovely man. Hurrah! He doesn't have the best relationship with his ex. Okay, that's not great, but hardly unheard of. The problems aren't because they split recently. Good.

Try and enjoy it, realise that some things may take time (e.g. it may be a while til he introduces you to his kids), but that isn't your fault.

That said - I would still be trying to meet my own friends. Ones that are nothing to do with either this relationship or the last one. If this one goes well - they'll be cheering you from the sidelines. If it doesn't, then you will need them.

LillianaVess Sun 31-Jan-16 22:28:22

Pootle thanks smile

I really don't have any though. I have a lot of acaintences but no real friends.

lunar1 Sun 31-Jan-16 22:28:58

That's the point though, at this stage you're not a dirty secret. You are getting to know each other and having fun. There is no reason to tell his ex about you yet. I'd have thought it would be somewhere between 6 months to a year you'd know if it was time to part ways or become more serious.

The thing you need to ask yourself is if you have let go of the 'teen romance' notions of a relationship. It's all a bit different once there are children involved. Because you could let go of this relationship only to find yourself back in the same situation with someone else in 3 months time.

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