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Lapping up crumbs of kindness from abusive exhusband - why do I fall for it?!!

(8 Posts)
Namechanger2015 Sat 30-Jan-16 21:50:40

ExH was abusive - emotionally, physically, financially, and I've been away from him for a year now. He has erratic contact and interest with DDs aged 8, 6 and 3 and refuses to pay anything towards them. He earns around 70-80k but as he is self employed he is now going to be paying me child maintenance of £100 per month for our 3 children, who he sees approx one weekend in every two months.

I've been in hospital with DD2 for the past three days for a planned op, which is quite hard on a 6 year old, I've been the one taking her, easing her anxieties, talking to docs, forcing her meds down at 11pm, and awake all with her.

He swanned into the hospital yesterday evening after work, didn't think to take a few hours off to be with her before or straight after the op. He came for the easy but when she was recovering and eating and playing again, as it was convenient timing on his way to his parents house for the weekend.

Yet he sat with her and showed he such tenderness. He fed her as she had a cannula in her hand and it was sore. He bought her a magazine and a chocolate bar. I left the room for a few hours as he makes me very anxious. Doctors and nurses on the ward were very good and supported me totally.

But I came home thinking about how gentle he was with her, how much she loves him and how good and easy life would be if we were still together. I'm conveniently erasing the bit where he has cleared out our joint savings to buy himself treats and kept me penniless during our 10-year marriage, how he slowly isolated me from my friends and family, and how he violently hit me in front of our children and still to this day hang apologised and thinks he is Mr Perfect. I'm almost grieving the loss of our marriage today, but it was shit and lonely and miserable.

Why why why? It's annoying to be so irrational. I loved the pants off him and he was horrible. Why do the good memories stick and the bad ones get brushed away?

No point to this post but I'm just ranting to myself to stop being stupid. Life is better but hard. Not enough of me to go round three children who could do with the love and support of two decent parents.

RandomMess Sat 30-Jan-16 21:54:20


Seeing what you want in your ex and knowing that you never had/will have it (with him) is very painful, yes you need to let yourself grieve.

How is DD doing x

DragonsCanHop Sat 30-Jan-16 22:00:03

It's so hard isn't it?
Try to think back and remember what living with him was like, how hard it was and how much better life is without all that tension.

Namechanger2015 Sat 30-Jan-16 22:04:52

Thanks Random, you are right, I think I saw a glimpse of how I wanted him to be and it hurt.

DD2 is fine, but she came home and told DD1 she saw daddy, and DD1 went to bed crying. sad

Last time they saw him was before Xmas so it does hurt them too.

DD2 had a simple op in November last year and ExH didn't come to visit her at all that time. This time he came and everyone is acting like he did a lovely thing.

I was the one who took 3 days off work to be there 100% for her. Yet he is the one who is suddenly Mr Lovely and perfect dad. And I'm the one falling for it.

I've been in a real good routine of being everything to the girls and supporting them.

Today I realised again how much nicer and easier it would be with a supportive partner. Which he really is not. I don't want to grieve I want to be angry with him. Don't like to remember his loving side as it was absent for a lot of our marriage.

Namechanger2015 Sat 30-Jan-16 22:07:25

Thanks Dragons. The end of our marriage was truly horrendous, he was violent and unrepentant, if anything he seemed to be itching to cause a fight and hit me again in the days before I left. It was absolutely the right thing to leave him. Yet I was looking at him in the hospital and remembering kissing him instead. Wtf.

DragonsCanHop Sat 30-Jan-16 22:22:11

Stay strong. I know that is easy said flowers

RandomMess Sat 30-Jan-16 22:24:08

What you are remembering is that you loved him, not that he was loving towards you. It hurts so much to realise you were duped and under his spell.

More than anything see it as evidence of what a sh*t dad he is, fleeting visit because it fits him. Those girls mean nothing to him.

Now you are free and they are surrounded by people who love and value them and perhaps one day you will have a new partner who will give them the paternal figure they yearn.

Namechanger2015 Sat 30-Jan-16 23:21:09

What you are remembering is that you loved him, not that he was loving towards you.

You are right RandomMess. That's actually helped to clear it up a little. I did love him so much, but he just didn't have that for me. His visit to DD was the bare basics of what he could and should have been doing for his tiny girl.

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