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Relate experience, anyone?

(7 Posts)
Sorrel78 Thu 28-Jan-16 13:37:29

Hi All

I was just wondering if anyone had had any experience of Relate? Myself and my probably-soon-to-be-ex partner have an appointment on Wednesday. Initially I had made it for some relationship councelling for us, but I just feel totally and utterly unable to muster up any sort of affection or love for my partner and I don't want to carry on the relationship. We have 2 children and I have fought to keep the relationship going when it's clearly been failing for many years now, and I am not making this decision that I want to end the relationshop without due thought. I've put down all the details in my other thread if you're interested.

I emailed the Relate therapist to ask if she would also do mediation as to childcare, and she stated in her response "We will discuss this on Wednesday, but if at the end of that hour you are BOTH clear that the relationship is at an end and that the process at Relate is more about understanding the sharing of childcare... " that they would help us with mediation but she couldn't tell me how long it would take.

Because I am the one who is leaving the other person in the relationship and my partner is still claiming that he loves me (despite all the evidence to the contrary) and he doesn't want the relationship to end, I am worried that he and the therapist will "gang up" on me telling what a terrible thing I'm doing for the sake of the children etc etc. I am totally dreading the session and just want some resolution, I just want him to go, basically, and then I can start to pick up the pieces of the mess.

We have a vague agreement as to how often he would see the children if and when he does go. Would Relate add anything to this? The agreement is that he would see them once every half term for a weekend and then 5 or 6 weeks of holiday (one week Christmas, one week Easter, 2 weeks in summer holiday and then I am arguing for half of 2 of the half terms, he wants both of 2 of the half terms). I really am not that keen on them seeing them partiucarly often, he's not the most dedicated of fatehrs and I know from the experience of seeing him with his 2 older sons (from his previous relationship) he says nasty things about the boys' mother to them, which puts them in the awful position of having to take sides. I hope I would never do such a thing to my children.

Anyone's experience would be very helpful, please?

bb888 Thu 28-Jan-16 18:43:06

It would be inappropriate for the therapist to gang up on you or to pass judgement about the children. Its more likely that they want to see that there is some common ground about where the relationship is at before entering a mediation process?

kittybiscuits Thu 28-Jan-16 18:52:02

If one partner says the relationship is over, then it is. The counsellor should try to help the other person to accept that decision and both parties to think about how to move things forward in the least damaging way.

Sorrel78 Thu 28-Jan-16 19:49:12

Thanks. He went round to my parents house this afternoon anyway and was very hostile and hurtful to them so I have made him leave. I think any mediation will ve through solicitors now but I'm grateful for your help

mumzuki Thu 28-Jan-16 19:52:59

I know people who have found this kind of counselling helpful through a separation, particularly in finding ways forward for co-parenting. And I've seen some of the alternatives play out through my work, with not particularly positive outcomes for the children involved. If you can face pushing on with it, even without your partner, it might be helpful.

kittybiscuits Thu 28-Jan-16 19:53:18

Sorry to hear that. I hope things settle down with time but stick to your guns if they don't. It sounds like you have healthy boundaries.

mamanestfolle Thu 28-Jan-16 19:54:53

DH and I went to Relate last year, I wanted to end our relationship. Councelling totally changed my mind, we started talking again and I feel like we are in a good place now. However, I did not feel pressured to do anything different to what I wanted to do. It has helped us to communicate and I think had we decided to split up, it would have helped us to manage the logistics of childcare / finances etc... as amicably as possible.

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