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help please

(13 Posts)
4n0nym0u5 Tue 26-Jan-16 22:31:21

Hello. Ive been with my partner for over 2 years now. I have 2 young children from a previous marriage and he is great with them.

At the beginning of our relationship everytihng was fine for the first few months until I started finding things out.

I found his profile on a couple dating websites to which he said his email had been hacked.

He is in the army and whilst in afghan ( he wasnt with me at the time, he was with his ex) he was seting other irls over email, nothing happened physically, as he was away but he was having explicit convos with a few girls at the same time.

Ive only found out all this since we have een together, and he said he isnt like that anymore, him and his gf were on the verge of breaking up anyway.

I decided then to try and move on and forget about it as he wasnt with me at the time. But I just cant shake it off, 2 years on....im scared of splitting from him because it will effect my children so much as they have only just got over their dad walking out. I love him to bits and he is good to me (at home) but its always in the back of my mind what is he doing when hes away?? He loves sex, but since i found out about his past I have been holding back my affection alot. Ive told him how Im feeling, and he keeps promising me and the kids are what he wants and he would never do what he used to do again. I just feel like I cant get too close to him just in case hes sort of laughing at me behind my back cause hes lieing to me. He sexted me today (out of the blue) and it makes me wonder why??!!

What do you think?

Suddenlyseymour Tue 26-Jan-16 23:12:10

What's striking from your post is about your children "they will be affected so much as they have only just got over their dad walking out"......so you've been seeing eachother 2 years. At what point did he become involved with your children? If they were getting over their dad leaving, why have they been introduced to a new boyfriend l?

4n0nym0u5 Tue 26-Jan-16 23:17:58

they are 3 and 5. I meant to say they are just coming around to being passed back and forth. They were very young when Their dad left, but now they are old enough, well the 5 year old at least, she is asking questions about why me and daddy dont live togther like her friends daddies do. Its heartbreaking,.i just dont want to get them even more upset and confused if i split from my partner..specially over what could be nothing.

hefzi Tue 26-Jan-16 23:26:07

I'm very sorry, but I simply don't believe that he's on dating sites because his email was hacked - you have to set up a profile and choose a picture etc: someone hacks your email, and they spam your friends, or send out a virus/trojan or try to pull a 419 in your name - they don't randomly set up dating profiles in your name hmm

4n0nym0u5 Tue 26-Jan-16 23:28:29

I did that and he never went on the sites. no messages were sent or received, nothing. He wasnt using them! If it was him anyway....

mum2mum99 Tue 26-Jan-16 23:29:25

He is a serial liar and most probably a serial cheater. Hardly a role model for your children. You will be better of without him.
Kids will always ask question, that's what kids do. definitely more than a hobby for mine!. If he wants to be part of their life that's great.
Don't waste more time on his false promises. Good luck.

amarmai Tue 26-Jan-16 23:31:47

if your cc are seeing their father , perhaps it;s you who does not want to give up this man as you will miss him. He is not their father and there is none so blind as those who will not see. The quicker you stop seeing him, the sooner your dcc will forget him. He cheated on the last gf and he will cheat on you.

4n0nym0u5 Tue 26-Jan-16 23:36:52

I wouldnt be with him if i didnt have the children. Im just scared of hurting them whilst they are so young. I know its stupid but i cant bare the thought of them not understanding why someone else is out of their life. He is fantastic with them, always has time for them. He has a past but I was hoping that ssettling down with me and the kids would help him change, and he is differant than what he use to be. More of a family man, always wanting to take kids out ect, talking about getting a home and marrying. Maybe cliches, but maybe not!

hefzi Tue 26-Jan-16 23:39:34

He might not have used them - but it definitely was him who set them up, no matter how much he lies about it.

It depends whether you are happy to stay with someone who has lied to you about this, and was involving himself online with other women when still with his previous partner: it doesn't matter if a relationship is dying - a decent person breaks things off before looking for other options.

Your children are very young - they will get over it: and next time, it might be an idea to wait until you're really committed to one another before bringing a man into your children's lives - sorry if this sounds harsh, but it sounds as though you went almost straight from a break up to this guy, and for your kids to miss him, they must have had a lot to do with him for a while. That's not the healthiest approach to dating whilst having small children, I don't think.

4n0nym0u5 Tue 26-Jan-16 23:41:46

Ok, thank you for your comments. I dont mind harsh ones either, thank you. Im going to have a talk with him over the weekend whilst my children are at their dads.

mum2mum99 Tue 26-Jan-16 23:42:06

It is actually easier when the Dcs are younger and when you are still amicable. Don't wait until you catch him red handed.
And yes you may have to give up the dream too, he is not the settling down type, it seems.

hefzi Tue 26-Jan-16 23:57:41

Good effort, OP- you need to have a really honest conversation with him: or rather, he needs to have an honest conversation with you. You deserve to be treated better than it sounds like he might be treating you.

Good Luck flowers

amarmai Wed 27-Jan-16 00:42:25

it's not your job to change him and def not your kids job. Your job is to be a mother to your kids . You cannot use your kids as the excuse for being with this man. Your kids have a father and they shd not be meeting up with any men you choose to get involved with until it's for sure the right man- not a man who needs to change. Stop making excuses and do your job.

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