I posted about my marriage ending here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2495459-aibu-im-just-so-tired-v-v-long
summary version, my ex was jealous, controlling and critical for 10+ years and i spent most of that trying to prove that i was worthy of better treatment but i finally gave up mid oct last year.
Can anyone talk to me about losing yourself in a marriage? or just hear me out? need to ramble...
I feel like I have such a tenuous grasp on what is important to me, what I actually value, what i like/enjoy. i've spent so much time bending to someone else's needs and wants that i feel like i have been erased.
i used to be a confident public speaker. i used to love going to events. i used to love being around people. now i find myself intimidated and anxious. i hate this. i want myself back. i am so resentful that i have changed. maybe i would have changed anyway...
i also find that i am attracted to men who think badly of me/are critical of me. isn't that very very sad? but of course i would feel that way, since my h trained me to come running whenever he found fault with me.
i was really disturbed to realise i'd developed a crush on a man i know (over xmas when i was very lonely and sad as detailed in the linked thread)... but when i sat down and thought about it...
i don't even like him!! i'm not attracted to him physically even.. on top of the fact he's a bastard! i would never want to be with him! BUT he is emotionally closed off and grumpy... which is what my ex is like... i realise i seem to take it as a challenge? i feel like i need to prove my worth/general loveliness to this kind of man.
i don't even like that kind of man!!!! this is what i mean... i feel so frustrated with the habits i have in my mind. i want to be with someone warm, caring, engaged, a proper grown up.
or do i even want to be with anyone?? argh. maybe even the whole "i should have another relationship eventually" thing is a habit of mind.
AAAARGH.
Not sure what my question is. just so frustrated with where i am. i want to be happy. i have been unhappy for so long.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Marriage ended and I realise I have no idea what I even like or want anymore
thestamp · 23/01/2016 22:54
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