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I'm an idiot aren't I?

(24 Posts)
elpaso Wed 20-Jan-16 15:32:52

Think (actually I know), I've been a massive idiot here, but hearing it from other people would help...

So, trying to keep things simple, I broke up with my ex around four years ago. It was a mutual decision, nothing major happened, just wasn't getting on well. It was a long term relationship (+5 years), living together, no kids.

We managed to remain friends and two years on, he met someone else, as did I. Whereas it didn't quite work out for me, he was with her for quite a while. She broke up with him after eighteen months or so, and he was a complete wreck.

I spent lots of time with him over the following weeks and we gradually started dating again about six weeks after his break up (I know, I know! Rebound, right!) and eventually decided to give it a proper go of things again.

As soon as we decided to become a couple again, his attitude towards me slowly started to change. He refused to tell anyone that we were back together (including our many mutual friends) and even made out that he went on holiday on his own, when in fact we had gone together. He maintained that this was because he wanted to take things slowly and wasn't interested in what other people thought, and stupidly, I went along with this.

Fast toward a couple of weeks after the holiday, his texts started dying off, (he wouldn't reply for hours, or at all, and never made any attempt to get in contact first), and whenever we met up, he was either tired from being out the night before, or couldn't stay too long as he had something else planned. Eventually he broke off with me after a couple of months, saying that it had all been a mistake, was confused when he got with me and no longer had any feelings for me.

As you can imagine, I was very hurt, and we didn't really see much of each other for a few months after.

Eventually we did start talking again, and he soon told me that he was back with his ex. He didn't keep this a secret at all, all our friends knew and were really happy for them. To this day, none of them knew about me.

Problems soon developed between them, which I advised him on and tried to help with him. He then decided to leave her.

Since then, we once again have been spending time together, going out, having nights in and staying over at each others houses. We have slept together as well.

But now I can see what an idiot I have been in doing this. He is using me, isn't? He claims not to be, and that he is confused, again. He talks about other women he likes, keeps telling me that I need to find the right guy, but yet will cuddle up to me etc.

I know I'm letting him walk over me, I just need someone to tell me that too! I would miss him if I walked away, but know that I need to...don't I?

wannaBe Wed 20-Jan-16 15:37:59

Yes. It sounds as if you are comfortable together but that actually you want different things. But when things are shit you're the one he comes to for support. Tbh I wouldn't say he's using you, more that he sees you as a friend with benefits but not a future life partner.

You need to walk away from this. If possible have a discussion with him about whether you could be friends (if that's what you want,) but nothing more.

elpaso Wed 20-Jan-16 15:40:44

I'm not even sure if I want to be more then friends now really, I can just see it going the same was as last time..

Diggum Wed 20-Jan-16 15:48:47

"Telling me I need to find the right guy".

What kind of an arse says something like that when you are sleeping together?! A big arse, that's what. Oh the other hand, he has a point. You need to ditch.

And sod being "friends" either. That's just another way for him to keep you on hold.

You're not an idiot. But he is an arsey arse and you should move on.

elpaso Wed 20-Jan-16 15:51:11

An 'arsey arse'- I love it grin
Yes, this is what I need to hear!

Diggum Wed 20-Jan-16 15:54:57

Good. Repeat it to yourself every time he says he's "confused". He's not Heathcliff. There is no dreadful romantic torment. Just arse.

Stumbletrip40 Wed 20-Jan-16 15:58:53

Agree, he's a user. And not a nice one - if he'd been upfront about it being a casual friends with benefits deal you could take it or leave it if it suited your circumstances but instead he's leading you on when convenient. Bin him, spend time looking for someone that doesn't lead you on when he's having a bad spell. At best you're bridget jones and he's daniel cleaver (sorry, just watched it again recently).

anyoldname76 Wed 20-Jan-16 16:01:15

hes using you until he finds someone else, probably because he feel comfortable with you and doesnt have to make much effort. ditch him, forget about being friends and move on, you can do so much better than his lazy arse

Sallyingforth Wed 20-Jan-16 16:02:42

No you are not an idiot. You were hoping for better from him and have been disappointed.
The important thing now is to learn from the experience. I think you have.

elpaso Wed 20-Jan-16 16:04:28

I think you have hit the nail on the head Sally- I never would have believed that he would have treated me like this a few years ago...

Finola1step Wed 20-Jan-16 16:05:01

You are the "back burner" woman. He keeps you on the back burner, just lightly simmering away just in case.

CheersMedea Wed 20-Jan-16 16:08:29

Telling me I need to find the right guy

Maybe it's just me but isn't this a horribly cruel and nasty thing to say to a woman you are sleeping with?

It's so unpleasantly dismissive and really cutting with it.
It means "do you know what I really don't give a flying fuck who else you are sleeping with so you crack on babe AND what's more I don't care that you know that's how I feel. I'm telling you upfront I wouldn't care if you met someone else and I'm kind of hoping you will - get you off my hands without any emotional trauma."

I don't know but I would have been devastated if a man I was seeing had ever said anything like that to me. Am I wrong?

elpaso Wed 20-Jan-16 16:15:25

CheersMedusa- yes exactly that, although I couldn't articulate it properly

elpaso Wed 20-Jan-16 16:23:59

Cheersmeda- sorry!

lovefairylights Wed 20-Jan-16 16:32:14

You're both a convenient shag and someone he can talk/moan to without having to make much effort.
Not really a nice person is it?
Spend some time on yourself - getting your confidence back, learning about how to value yourself and work on your insecurities.
Then you will see him and people like him for what they are and you will be able to avoid them.

elpaso Wed 20-Jan-16 16:35:22

I suppose I thought I could trust him as I can normally spot men like this a mile off. Think the fact that we did have a long standing relationship at one point has clouded my judgement.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 20-Jan-16 16:39:01

Stop spending time with him as friends or otherwise. What's the point?

elpaso Wed 20-Jan-16 17:36:22

I know...I guess I just miss the old him

BlondeOnATreadmill Wed 20-Jan-16 17:40:26

You're his Fuck Buddy/Booty Call.

He only wants you, when there's no one else on the scene.

FGS, dump him and find yourself a shiny new man, with none of this Angst!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 20-Jan-16 17:40:59

Why didn't you stay out of it when he told you he had problems? I can't believe you actually 'advised him'. I wonder if he decided to leave her at all... it's quite possible she dumped him.

He sounds like a horrible user. You sound like a nice lady who has let the rose-tinted glasses morph into hot-pink blinkers.

I mean this nicely but please, dump him. You will never be able to trust him again and he obviously doesn't think as much of you as you think of him (or anywhere near it). You deserve so much better. If you dump him then you can walk away head high with this as your decision and not his as it inevitably will when something more to his liking, appears.

You can do better.

stumblymonkey Wed 20-Jan-16 17:56:28

Very few people set out to actually 'use' other people. However this 'relationship' (using the term very loosely) clearly isn't meeting your emotional needs so why not focus on what you want/need/think instead of his motivations.

Irrespective of what he is doing or thinking you're not getting what you need and want. If you think about it from that perspective the answer is clear!

elpaso Wed 20-Jan-16 18:46:20

Yes, I know what I need to do

RealityCheque Wed 20-Jan-16 18:52:03

You're 'using' each other. He is no more an arse than you. It takes two to shag.

elpaso Wed 20-Jan-16 19:03:08

Yes, that's another way of looking at it to be fair

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