Temperamental partner (long one)

[Mummyof02]

Hi all,
Me and my partner have been separated for a few months now but I feel like neither one of us knows the boundaries of each other and what is acceptable. We have one son and one on the way which is why we still remain in contact.
But my now ex partner can be so temperamental I don't know where I stand or how to deal with the situation. One minute it's all fine he'll come round and were functioning like a perfect normal happy family but the moment I do or say something which he doesn't like or approve of he starts kicking off (slamming doors, swearing shouting etc) it's got to the point where I don't even get upset enough to cry anymore it's just the same old same old of ex partner kicking off and being temperamental and me just being use or accepting that that's how it is.
Ex partner wanted to us all to go to his mums today which I wouldn't of minded except I'm exhausted after looking after ex partners oldest son who's only 2 , our nearly one year old (plus I'm 28 weeks expecting) for the whole morning and Doing night feeds while ex partner slept, he then kicked off as normal and started talking about how I never let his family see our son to which I said I can bring our son to his mums later when I'm not so tired or even tomorrow, ex partner wasn't having none of and has literally stormed off with dss to which I feel bad about but what could of I done?
Ex partner is also going through a hard time as he's not got no where to live from next week and he's always broke , which is why I worry when he says he wants to have our son, what do I do now?

[12purpleapples]

Would it be worth trying to negotiate some ground rules together at a time when things are calm? It sounds like for a separated couple you are still doing quite a lot together, so lots of opportunities for misunderstanding and confusion.

[DoreenLethal]

Why is your ex round all the time?

Ex means ex.

What is the house situation? If you are still living together then wait until he leaves, change the locks and don't look back.

You don't have to have him around at all.

[BackInTheRealWorld]

You don't sound very separated.

[stubbornstains]

I would rename his behaviour. "Temperamental" sounds quite harmless- temperamental artist, etc.

"Abusive" fits better.

If he hasn't got anywhere to live, he will be quite restricted in how and where he sees your baby. Visits at his mum's, perhaps? But ultimately, that's his problem to sort out.

Do you ask him to leave immediately when he kicks off?

[Cleensheetsandbedding]

Stop thinking he is being 'Tempremental' - is he being a aggressive bully. 'I don't get my way so I'm going to smash things about'??

You are out of this relationship so why are you letting him back in? Do you want your children to think this is ok? It's not.

Don't stay at his mums. Let him take the kids and you have a rest. Your not his partner anymore and be thankful of it! He sounds like a dickhead!

[Gobbolino6]

You are separated but you're both trying to some degree to play happy families, which I understand, but it's causing confusion and meaning that problems that went on in the relationship are continuing unnecessarily. I think some ground rules for moving forward need to be discussed at a calm time - possibly on the phone or in a public place - and that a little space for you both is in order.

[Mummyof02]

Thanks for all of your advice/comments, it helps a lot to try understand everything from an outer perspective and if I'm being honest the reason why I always let him in cos I've always said I'd never stop him from seeing our children and perhaps when he says 'I'm stopping him from seeing our children' this makes me feel like I'm being a selfish bad mum for not letting our kids have a relationship with their dad but I'm starting to understand that perhaps he can still be in our children's life once he's sorted himself out a bit better and I can try and move on, the hard part is deep down I still feel like I have feelings for ex partner cos when he's not on one he's lovely to be around we get on like a house on fire but when it's bad it's bad and even though it's hard to accept that were better off apart I'm starting to understand it's better to be alone then with the wrong person, I think one thing people don't understand about controlling relationships is that when your in one you don't see it how other people do

[AnyFucker]

Stop playing happy families with an abuser

Agree a schedule where he sees the kids at his own place and quit the collective family visits

Are you still cooking for him ? Brings his washing round, does he ?

How much of an actual part in childcare does he play ? I expect you facilitate all the good bits for him and he berates you anyway. Fuck that shit.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

It's up to him to facilitate your child seeing his family. There is absolutely no need for you to accompany them. And there's absolutely no need for him to keep coming round to your home. If he wants to spend time with his child he needs to come at a pre-arranged time and take him out somewhere.

You need to concentrate on your boundaries, and him coming round as if you're still a couple will not help with this.

And no, he's not "temperamental", he's an abusive bully who tries to terrorise you when he doesn't get his own way. See him for what he is and keep him at arm's length. Does he slam doors, swear and shout when things don't go his way at work? I doubt it or he'd be unemployed tout bloody suite.

[QuiteLikely5]

Why is he coming to your house to see the children?

Why can't he take the children alone to visit his mother?

He's lovely when he isn't kicking off? Aren't they all!!!

You have problems because you are trying to reason with a very unreasonable person

[Mummyof02]

It is true that I tend to do the more harder stuff like having to get our son ready in the mornings and be awake with him at night when he won't settle and that's day in day out and it's not so much i cook or wash his clothes anymore like I use to when we lived together it's more the fact that I pretty much look after son single handed and try maintain the house hold whether he's around or not, and from the odd time he'll look after our son but that's only for a few hours and it rarely happens tbh, I think I've got so use to doing everything for our son that I'd worry if he did have our son then he wouldn't care for our son properly because he always had or expects someone else to do it,our son is only 11 months old so he can't talk or tell me if his dad wasn't taking care of him properly, it's got to the point where I don't know if I want my ex partner to be in our children's life cos it's like he can't even be responsible for himself so I can I expect him to take care of our son and unborn ( when he's here) , plus his life's a bit unstable at the moment I want to move on but with having kids with the ex and thinking about the exs circumstances and the fact I don't want my kids to grow up without a dad I feel so torn

[AnyFucker]

You can't micromanage him into being a decent father

If you don't trust him with the dc he shouldn't be having access at all, or it should be in a contact centre

Would you be OK with him at least taking them to his mum's without you ? It's pathetic that another woman has to prop up what he should be capable of doing himself but while your babies are so young perhaps it would be a compromise you could live with ?

[Mummyof02]

*so how can I

[Mummyof02]

I suppose id be alright with him having our son at his mums but from next week he's said he won't be able to stay at his mums because one of the neighbours has grassed on him about staying there he was on he might have to stay in a hostel, so perhaps contact centre will be the only way?

[AnyFucker]

What would be the problem with him staying at his mum's ?

[Walkacrossthesand]

I suspect the 'nowhere to live' sob story is a ploy to get you offering your sofa/childs bedroom. Don't do it. He can find somewhere to live, pick son up and take him out/ visit his mum for contact visits (neighbours can't complain about that) and have sleepovers when he's sorted himself out. Which he won't, if you prop him up.

[pocketsaviour]

Yes contact centre would be the way to go, but sadly I think once he realises that he can no longer use the children to manipulate and control you, he will not be bothered about having contact.

It's much, much better for your DC to have no father in their lives than to be taught that they have to kowtow to a horrible bully.

And am I reading rightly that you are providing childcare to his older child who is not yours?! He's taking the fucking piss! I bet that child's mum would be pleased to know his contact days consist of dad palming off the kid with another of his ex girlfriends while dad goes to sleep!!

[AnyFucker]

There are some really fucking useless manchildren out there

[Mummyof02]

Well exs partners mum is a pensioner and ex partner is on a esa claim but on his esa claim he's told them he has no proper address where he lives at permently which is why he can't stay at his mums cos then both their money could stop and I feel like I'm being fully taken advantage of tbh when it comes to this whole ordeal, I think being a single parent will have its challenges especially as the kids get older but it's even harder going around in circles and being manipulated into feeling guilty a lot of the time, I have to do so much on my own and for the ex partner when he chooses to be around when it suits him, I need to put my foot down and stop being so soft which would properly answer a lot of my problems not to say when the ex is sorted himself that he can't see the children cos he's still their dad but I need to stop being so passive..

[stubbornstains]

So he's got himself into a probably unnecessary mess with his benefits?

Not. your. fucking. problem.

I would text him: "I don't want you coming to my house any more, because you shout and swear at me, and this is unacceptable. You are more than welcome to see your children, perhaps at your mum's until you sort yourself out a flat. "

(or if you're not comfortable with that, you could arrange to meet up in the park or something).

[AnyFucker]

If he was pleasant and useful and didn't make a nuisance of himself this would be OK. But he isn't and is probably incapable of it so you enabling his crapness has to stop.

[Hillfarmer]

Ditto stubborn stains. And why on earth are you having to look after his 2 year old?

[AnyFucker]

You can't have been with him that long if his eldest child with someone else is only 2

You owe him nothing. Just get shut of him. And please don't jump into another relationship so quickly with another dick head and start having babies with them.

[Mummyof02]

It goes down to the fact that ex partner will wants to play happy families when he wants someone to help take care of his eldest and when it suits him and the fact that when he turns up at my door with the eldest child I feel obliged to just let them in like everything's okay and ex partner has had quite few girlfriends/ partners in his time and doesn't like to go through periods of being single, where as I haven't had many previous relationships before him, plus ex partner is a lot older then myself, I was no older then 17 when we got together but anyway I plan to just concentrate on just being a mum to our two kids from now and nooo I certainly won't be getting into another relationship or having anymore children, highly doubt I'd be able to manage taking care of anymore then 2 at this time in my life tbh and thank you all for the advice/comments Im starting to feel a lot better now, many thanks to you all for helping me to see things abit clearer , I don't feel so guilty for wanting to move on in life now, will keep you all updated with how things go , cheers

[AnyFucker]

Great idea to simply move on. This man will hold you back if you let him.