I was married for 7 years to a violent man, when I left him I met a new partner within a week and threw myself into the relationship resulting very quickly in us having a child together.
New man, my recent Ex, turned out to be lazy, a sponger, nasty, emotionally abusive, addicted to weed. He would tell me I am fat and ugly after I had our child. He got me into debt. He never pulled his weight around the house.
We had a very turbulent year with me asking him to leave and then him wearing down my resolve. We never had sex because he was always too stoned. Anyway the summer before last I was texting another man, totally wrong I know, and ex found out and moved out. that was Sept 14.
Throughout 14/15 we were on and off with me constantly jumping through hoops to try to please him and 'make it up to him' for texting an ex.
By the end of 2015 we were both definitely single but neither seeing other people and still sleeping together occasionally. Ex is still pretty controlling, making me feel bad about the clothes I wear, not approving of me going out and always, always nasty comments and accusations about where I have been and what I am doing.
So sounds like I need to get rid, and I can see that myself....
Well last week I suspected he was seeing someone else. Great I should jump for joy, he will be out of my hair? Well no I was devastated, spent ages giving him grief over it, totally jealous, we ended up sleeping together and now I am jumping through hoops yet again to make him want me. He maintains he isn't seeing anyone.
What is wrong with me? I don't want a relationship with him, I know we are bad for each other, I don't understand why I am behaving this way?
I started the freedom programme, but it wasn't telling me anything I didn't know. I know he is abusive and all the things it was saying were predictable. That's what is confusing me so much. I know all of this yet I still can't let go.
I am not a troll, but thanks, that's my first troll accusation. I know I need help, that is why I am posting. I can't talk to any one in real life because I know I am behaving totally stupid and I can't explain it.
Well you are going to have to stop looking at things from your point of view. You need to start looking from your childrens point of view. This is not healthy for them. You should seek counselling for yourself because you should not be allowing yourself to be treat this way over and over. You can see this, but cant act on it. You need to figure out a way to do that, and fast. Otherwise this is going to have an impact on your children.
Sorry just to make it clear, he isn't moving back in or anything, he has his own place and we always try to get along for our sons sake, he will come round to pick him up and spend time here, sometimes we eat together. He brings his daughter round so we can still see her. As far as the kids are concerned we get on great and are all friendly.
For now forget about why you do it and just stop it, for your kids sake. I would not normally say that kind of thing but you're putting your sex life with a horrible abusive idiot before your kids welfare.
Yes but kids arent stupid. They always know more than you think. If you all get on so well, then what makes you think the children know you are no longer a couple anymore that just dont live together...
we always try to get along for our sons sake, he will come round to pick him up and spend time here, sometimes we eat together.
This needs to stop. That's your first step. It would be lovely to have an amicable co-parenting relationship with another person: however this bloke is a nasty abusive idiot. From now on, his contact visits happen outside your home, where your DS can see his sister. No more family meals. They are just muddying the waters.
Secondly, you need to think about why you have this need to have a man by your side. What was your parents' relationship like? (You don't have to answer this on thread if it's too personal, just think about it.) What did you learn about relationships from observing your parents, or those of other adults around you?
You are welcome. Now contact the doctors for counselling, or at least try and be more aware of this and stop this. As pp suggested, stop the meals together, stop him coming in for a bit. You dont need to have him in your home and be on super friendly terns to have an amicable relationship for the kids. This clearly isnt working for you. Im glad the link made sense to you. I hope you can now act on it and put a stop to this, for yourself and your children
Thanks Strange I think that time of my life obviously affected me more than I care to admit.
Will the GP offer counselling for Co-Dependancy or will I just be expected to grow up and stop behaving so stupidly? I do know what I need to do, I just then go and do the opposite. That sounds like a cop out I know.