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What am I doing!!!

(20 Posts)
ConfusedAndAbused Tue 12-Jan-16 10:40:10

Don't want to drip feed so this could be long...

I was married for 7 years to a violent man, when I left him I met a new partner within a week and threw myself into the relationship resulting very quickly in us having a child together.

New man, my recent Ex, turned out to be lazy, a sponger, nasty, emotionally abusive, addicted to weed. He would tell me I am fat and ugly after I had our child. He got me into debt. He never pulled his weight around the house.

We had a very turbulent year with me asking him to leave and then him wearing down my resolve. We never had sex because he was always too stoned. Anyway the summer before last I was texting another man, totally wrong I know, and ex found out and moved out. that was Sept 14.

Throughout 14/15 we were on and off with me constantly jumping through hoops to try to please him and 'make it up to him' for texting an ex.

By the end of 2015 we were both definitely single but neither seeing other people and still sleeping together occasionally. Ex is still pretty controlling, making me feel bad about the clothes I wear, not approving of me going out and always, always nasty comments and accusations about where I have been and what I am doing.

So sounds like I need to get rid, and I can see that myself....

Well last week I suspected he was seeing someone else. Great I should jump for joy, he will be out of my hair? Well no I was devastated, spent ages giving him grief over it, totally jealous, we ended up sleeping together and now I am jumping through hoops yet again to make him want me. He maintains he isn't seeing anyone.

What is wrong with me? I don't want a relationship with him, I know we are bad for each other, I don't understand why I am behaving this way?

YouBastardSockBalls Tue 12-Jan-16 10:43:01

You and your children need to be on your own, with no abusive cheating man in your home.

Have you heard of the freedom programme?

ConfusedAndAbused Tue 12-Jan-16 10:44:47

I started the freedom programme, but it wasn't telling me anything I didn't know. I know he is abusive and all the things it was saying were predictable. That's what is confusing me so much. I know all of this yet I still can't let go.

SajStars Tue 12-Jan-16 10:45:37

You need to get some help.

SajStars Tue 12-Jan-16 10:47:02

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ConfusedAndAbused Tue 12-Jan-16 10:48:04

I am not a troll, but thanks, that's my first troll accusation. I know I need help, that is why I am posting. I can't talk to any one in real life because I know I am behaving totally stupid and I can't explain it.

Strangeoccurence Tue 12-Jan-16 10:48:05

Well you are going to have to stop looking at things from your point of view. You need to start looking from your childrens point of view. This is not healthy for them. You should seek counselling for yourself because you should not be allowing yourself to be treat this way over and over. You can see this, but cant act on it. You need to figure out a way to do that, and fast. Otherwise this is going to have an impact on your children.

Strangeoccurence Tue 12-Jan-16 10:49:36

www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency

ConfusedAndAbused Tue 12-Jan-16 10:51:20

Sorry just to make it clear, he isn't moving back in or anything, he has his own place and we always try to get along for our sons sake, he will come round to pick him up and spend time here, sometimes we eat together. He brings his daughter round so we can still see her. As far as the kids are concerned we get on great and are all friendly.

Epilepsyhelp Tue 12-Jan-16 10:51:55

For now forget about why you do it and just stop it, for your kids sake. I would not normally say that kind of thing but you're putting your sex life with a horrible abusive idiot before your kids welfare.

Strangeoccurence Tue 12-Jan-16 10:52:38

Yes but kids arent stupid. They always know more than you think.
If you all get on so well, then what makes you think the children know you are no longer a couple anymore that just dont live together...

This is not healthy for any of you.

Strangeoccurence Tue 12-Jan-16 10:54:00

In fact, judging by what you have wrote. You are still together, just not by title and the fact you dont live together. You are still in a relationship, just bending the rules a little

pocketsaviour Tue 12-Jan-16 10:58:56

we always try to get along for our sons sake, he will come round to pick him up and spend time here, sometimes we eat together.

This needs to stop. That's your first step. It would be lovely to have an amicable co-parenting relationship with another person: however this bloke is a nasty abusive idiot. From now on, his contact visits happen outside your home, where your DS can see his sister. No more family meals. They are just muddying the waters.

Secondly, you need to think about why you have this need to have a man by your side. What was your parents' relationship like? (You don't have to answer this on thread if it's too personal, just think about it.) What did you learn about relationships from observing your parents, or those of other adults around you?

ConfusedAndAbused Tue 12-Jan-16 10:59:17

Strange Thank you so much for that link, that sounds exactly like me, of the questionnaire I answered yes to 16 of the questions.

The fact it is rooted in childhood rings many bells, my mum died when I was 10 leaving us in the care of an alcoholic step dad. We constantly had to pretend everything was ok and cover up for him.

It rings a lot of bells.

Strangeoccurence Tue 12-Jan-16 11:02:37

You are welcome. Now contact the doctors for counselling, or at least try and be more aware of this and stop this. As pp suggested, stop the meals together, stop him coming in for a bit.
You dont need to have him in your home and be on super friendly terns to have an amicable relationship for the kids. This clearly isnt working for you.
Im glad the link made sense to you. I hope you can now act on it and put a stop to this, for yourself and your children

Strangeoccurence Tue 12-Jan-16 11:03:59

Sorry to hear about your mother and father. I had to cover for my mum, too. Its not nice flowers

ConfusedAndAbused Tue 12-Jan-16 11:06:05

Thanks Strange I think that time of my life obviously affected me more than I care to admit.

Will the GP offer counselling for Co-Dependancy or will I just be expected to grow up and stop behaving so stupidly? I do know what I need to do, I just then go and do the opposite. That sounds like a cop out I know.

Strangeoccurence Tue 12-Jan-16 11:09:17

The GP can offer counselling, yes.
If you could do what you know you need to do then there wouldnt be an issue

ConfusedAndAbused Tue 12-Jan-16 11:12:09

I am supposedly an intelligent woman, I hold down a decent job and look after my children pretty well on my own.

It is embarrassing to admit that I find cutting ties with someone I don't even particularly like so difficult! I am so annoyed with myself.

Strangeoccurence Tue 12-Jan-16 11:21:52

Dont be. You are asking for help on how to change. Thats a positive step

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