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DP cheating and he has all the assets in his name. How can I leave?

(9 Posts)
petalpotter Sat 09-Jan-16 07:31:17

I really need advice and please noone flame me as I know I have been stupid. I have been up all night.

For details of my previous thread here

In short, I caught DP of 6 years touching a girl he works with a few weeks ago. He has now been seen again giving her a not so innocent peck on the cheek, and asking for more confused

We have a house together. I put in the majority of the deposit, c60%. We split the mortgage payments. It's well recognised the house is ours. He is a kind and gentle man (don't even know if this is true anymore). Never any arguments about it being our house. But I am not actually on the mortgage. At the time of buying, I had some issues due to other mortgages in the background so we just decided it would be easier if I don't get involved. Plan was on remortgage when fixed term ends, I would get on the mortgage and deeds as my other mortgages would have been disposed of. Remortgage is due in a few months, c6. In about 9 months or so, I am due a promotion (guaranteed). My DP, although not working with me, has a direct impact on whether I get the promo due to some connections (long story).

I ideally need to wait till both these events happen before leaving DP, but I am finding the situation unbearable. Worse, I am now worried that if the OW begins being receptive he may leave me before the events happen and I will still be screwed. What do I do? My plan was to sit out till end of the year but now I am concerned.

PurpleCrazyHorse Sat 09-Jan-16 07:56:03

Didn't want to read and run but could you see a solicitor (in another town if necessary) and find out legally where you stand? If you think he might leave you if could be helpful to know how the assets could be divided and be prepared with the legal position against anything he might say (eg asking you to leave the house).

Cabrinha Sat 09-Jan-16 07:58:39

On the house, go and see a solicitor ASAP.
You need to find out what you will have to show / prove if he plays dirty, and then use this time to get that in place.

When I bought my current place (2 years ago) my solicitor had to record where the deposit was coming from - money laundering rules I think - so is there a possibility that yours did the same, stating your name?

I believe (but you need a qualified view) that you need to persuade a court that the money you gave could not reasonably be seen as a gift. For example, if you earned LOADS more than him, or if he had previously bought you an expensive car.

Presumably it's easy to show the money at least came from you, gift or not? It was transferred from your savings, or from the sale of another property in your name?

For the 50% mortgage payments made since, do you have a record of it? I'm guessing it goes from your account to his, though not to the mortgage. I would say without the deposit he'd argue convincingly that it was just rent from you - but the deposit and getting the house together rather than moving into it is persuasive that you're not lodging.

Get legal advice on what you have to show, and how best to do that.

Do that NOW.

Cabrinha Sat 09-Jan-16 08:00:32

There is a thing where you can register (with land registry?) that you have an interest in a property. It's to stop it being sold out from under you, I think. I don't think it's only for married people. See a solicitor!

Cabrinha Sat 09-Jan-16 08:06:55

Again, solicitor first, but it may be that now - before it all kicks off about him cheating - while he is supposedly your loving partner - is the time to rectify your legal mistake.

What do you think would happen if you said to him "we never did sort out the deed of trust for my share of the house, I was talking to a friend about it today and she said we only need to do xyz, I'll sort out the solicitor appointment".

I think it would be far harder for him to say no to that when he's in a relationship with you.

Cabrinha Sat 09-Jan-16 08:11:22

On the job - given that you need to leave this cheating cunt - should you consider changing jobs too, if he has that much influence?

Not to anything less of course - use it as a push to apply for something better. Get the promotion equivalent sooner.

Depending on the organisation, maybe go to HR and explain that you're having relationship issues and you think he might influence the promotion. Make them reassure you in writing they'd never be so unprofessional so at least you have some come back if the guaranteed promotion doesn't happen.

Are you the poster who has access to her boyfriend's work phone and has seen messages? Be bloody careful if you've got access because of your work link, that could blow up in your face.

WitchWay Sat 09-Jan-16 08:49:35

Agree with Cabrinha about speaking to HR about the promotion. It's going to be very difficult holding it all together for 9 months, if indeed he doesn't leave sooner.

Cabrinha Sat 09-Jan-16 10:39:40

Yep - and then presumably he still influences how you are seen at work, maybe your next promotion or opportunity. That's toxic!

Cabrinha Sat 09-Jan-16 10:41:45

Are you absolutely sure he has an influence on your work opportunities? He doesn't work with you and he's just left his job. How has he reached this position of power over your career?

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