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Completely messed up with ex

(14 Posts)
spideymum Fri 08-Jan-16 12:16:14

Name changed because I think my ex might know my username.

Back story ex walked out on me and our son 9 months ago he wasn't happy with me and cleared all of his things from the house one day when I was at work. It completely broke me I went down to 8 stones in weight he continued to not see our son regularly or be consistent with him. He belittled me held money left me in debt and made me feel like the worst person in the world. During the time we did at times speak about reconciling but time and time again he would flake out stop calling come and see me be rude to me not come and get our son late or not turn up at all.

When we were together he used to scream in my face, never helped out at home, left me to go to an abortion by myself lied about it, insulted my family, was always accusing me of being with other men, left me with no money and let me sit in accident and emergency alone with our son after he had an accident. To be honest when I look at things he has been emotionally abusive.

At Christmas he came around for an hour and I was meant to see him later. Although when I spoke to him later on that day he told me not to bother coming so I didn't. He didn't bother to see our son for the next few days. I just felt so let down by him and it was the straw that broke the camels back.

Fast forward to New Years and I spent it with a man I have been speaking to for a while. Someone who is kind to me who doesn't scream at me and who I care for. He called to come and pick up my sons clothes as he was staying with him. I was with the man and was going to go downstairs from my block of flats and give them to him. He insisted that he needed to come upstairs so I told the man to leave and they saw eachother on the stairs of my block of flats. My ex came in and told me he knew the person was coming from mine and was furious. The whole day he was going crazy at me he turned up with my son and proceeded to drive his car towards me to intimidate me. He messaged me all day that I was a whore a bitch was too busy spreading my legs to answer my phone that I had always been a whore he should have known. He messaged a male friend of mine threatening him and told me he would have him killed (ridiculous I know). He called me a whore in front of our son and told me how sad it was he had a whore for a mother. The whole thing was despicable and was just an example of how he is when he is angry.

Now he is furious with me wants me to give him every detail although he doesn't want anything to do with me.

There is a pattern in our relationship I'm always made to feel guilty he talks to me and treats me like crap and then I feel like I'm the worse person in the world. To be honest he consistently pushes at me and then expects me to apologise for making him behave how he does.

I'm tired of apologising I'm tired of feeling like a shadow of myself like I'm the most horrible person in the world. I just tired of it all. I am sad that he feels like I betrayed him but I'm tired of him being hot and cold and then getting angry when I move on slightly.

spideymum Fri 08-Jan-16 12:18:52

I just don't know if I am in the wrong if I should tell him I'm sorry. He is emotionally abusive and then I end up apologising for making him treat me how he does. I just don't know anymore.

I just want to focus on my child. I can't believe he would behave like that in front of him and I'm tired of how he treats me and expects me to never break.

ohdearlord Fri 08-Jan-16 12:22:39

What makes you think you've done something wrong?

whatdoIget Fri 08-Jan-16 12:26:29

He drove his car at you and threatened to have your friend killed? He needs reporting to the police.
It's definitely not you in the wrong! He sounds like a psycho

ohdearlord Fri 08-Jan-16 12:30:35

Unless there is a significant part of the story missing (and I'm struggling to imagine what that could possibly be that would justify his utterly fucking nuts behaviour) then I'm with whatdoIget.

You sound terrified and horribly confused. Do you feel able to call Women's Aid or 101?

pocketsaviour Fri 08-Jan-16 12:36:16

This is the point at which you need to get the police involved.

He has made threats of physical harm to you and another person. He has verbally abused you. He has attempted to physically abuse you (driving car at you.)

Please call 101, and I would also suggest calling Womens Aid for help and advice.

No man is above the law. This arse is breaking the law and needs to be punished. You have done NOTHING I repeat nothing to deserve treatment like this.

Are your family supportive?

spideymum Fri 08-Jan-16 13:28:34

My family don't know. I haven't told them I just feel so embarrassed.

With regards to anything being left out he told me that he had a letter for me because he was about to come home to us. But I just can't deal with his behaviour. He says he loves me but I don't understand why he would do anything he does. He was the person who left me not the other way around. He treated me so badly and just tells me every time that I pushed him to it.

I just don't want to antagonise him. I don't want to apologise to him anymore. I understand he is hurt and angry but I don't know why he behaves like he does. He left me for all this time and has been having a nice then horrible routine. I just can't take it anymore.

magoria Fri 08-Jan-16 13:42:13

You need to detach from this man.

Your relationship is over. He has been flake and abusive since. Telling you he was about to come back is just a lie because you steppes out of his box for you sitting waiting for him. He had no plans to come back at all it was just aimed to hurt you.

Count your blessings this vile man no longer lives with you and don't let him back. Personally count your blessings he wants little to do with your DC and don't push for more!

You have to right to see anyone you want. It is none of his business, he has no say and no right.

Stop discussing it with him. Limit all contact to your DC and finances. Use what channels are available to do these things so your contact is minimal.

Any threats or abuse report him to the police.

Refuse to engage. Simply repeat it is none of his business and don't rise to anything he says. Don't explain don't discuss.

Try and keep necessary contact by text and email. Don't answer any personal/non DC or non financial questions. Just ignore them.

Jan45 Fri 08-Jan-16 13:53:27

Please have nothing to do with this maniac, he has been abusing you all your relationship and is still trying to control you, you really need to tell him where to go, get the Police involved if you have to.

I'd not let my child anywhere near such a lunatic, you need to do the same.

OP, surely you must now realise that by staying with him you allowed the abuse to carry on - which is understandable when you are in the middle of a dysfunctional situation, you are not now, use your freedom to break away completely, the man is unhinged and is a bad influence for your child.

spideymum Fri 08-Jan-16 14:33:44

I just don't understand why I stayed in want to be free of him but I feel so bad. All I ever wanted was a family and for my son to be raised by his Mum and Dad. I don't know why he does it to me I just feel like everything is my fault. I stay away and then he turns up at my house to see my son. He says he wants to come here twice a week to put him to bed but I just want him away. I don't want to cry anymore over him I stayed because I thought if I was just better he would be better to me.

Jan45 Fri 08-Jan-16 14:52:59

But you found out no matter how nice you were to him he still continued to abuse and manipulate, the man is no right in the head OP, you must know this by now.

I'd not let him near my child either, you have grounds to refuse access.

You can be a family, you don't need a dad, I raised my daughter alone and she is the pride and joy of my whole family, she never suffered so I don't think your child will either, as long as he has loving people around him and good influences, that sorry excuse for a man is just a negative, horrible influence to have around full stop.

don't waste any more tears on it, move on now, you will realise in time that you were in an abusive relationship that was never going to work no matter what you did.

blindsider Fri 08-Jan-16 15:20:18

Your ex partner is an emotionally abusive, jealous fruit loop , you should have nothing more to do with him (barring discussions over your joint child) You have done nothing wrong and he is just bullying you in an attempt to intimidate you. Don't play along, no one should be spoken to like that.

ohdearlord Fri 08-Jan-16 15:27:36

Have you had any legal advice since you separated? Maybe that would help to understand what has happened to you and what your position is?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 08-Jan-16 16:18:36

OMG - this guy is abusive to the exteme.
Please keep him well away from you.
Contact Womens Aid and talk it through with them.
Please attend the Freedom Programme Course - you really need this and fast!
Please contact the police on 101 as advised above.
Ask for the DV unit and get their advice about the verbal and physical abuse. Also ask about a restraining order or something similar.
You do NOT need to put up with this.
It is entirely up to you who you sleep with.
You can sleep with an entire football team and it would still have fuck all to do with your Ex.
Never ever ever take this crazy loon back. Keep him out of your life as much as possible.
Minimal contact. Do NOT see him on your own.
Womens Aid then 101.
Do it now!

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