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What the hell do I do with this?(8 Posts)
Regular, have name changed. I posted back in about June, about a man I had just started dating.
I have been seeing him since may, and to start with it was all quite intense, all very lovely though. He is open about his feelings, seems very honest, said quite outright what he wants and about his plans for the future. Things were really very lovely but I have had a couple of "wobbles" I think mainly because I find it hard to accept that this guy would "settle for me" Plus although he is lovely when we are together we often go days without speaking, and even two weeks without seeing each other. He is busy, he has been stressed, been ill, and had family to stay.
He isn't English, and in his culture relationships usually revolve around staying in, moving in together quite quickly as a trial to marriage. He asked me if I wanted a relationship, if i would agree to live with him one day. I said yes, I hoped so. This seemed a bit strange and very premature to me but I felt secure thinking at least I know his intentions.
I ended it just before Christmas, I became so upset and felt that I was not a priority that I finished it. We met and we talked but it wasn't really resolved, but he said he wanted to be with me. Over Christmas we talked via text and kept in touch and he told me by text that he loves me. He has never said this to my face, although I think he does.
Now, we have met up. We still didn't talk about the "issue" We had fun, we laughed and he still makes little jokes and comments about "our future" But I still have these huge fears.
For background and to give some idea perhaps of why I am like this and worry he will give up on me. I still have ex under my roof. He moved back end of dec because his accomodation wasn't suitable, he is moving back out again hopefully end of jan. But he is Dcs father and his name is on house. The man I am seeing asks questions and has been to my house once. he hasn't met my children, but my kids know about him. He has been patient, asks questions, is kind and seems understanding, but because he is so goal orientated, seems so clear on what he wants, is very capable and successful person, I think he will give up on me.
Because we go days without speaking, are seeing less of each other, I think he is protecting himself, or maybe bieng more cautious, or maybe its worse, maybe giving up on me
I;m hopeless at talking about stuff, I really feel I need to be able to open up and be honest about what I want because I fear not being able to will mean he will just give up on me. I have never really told him how I feel about him or what I want, and I do love him but I seem incapable of making myself available. I seem to create obstacles constantly.
What can I do, or is it better to just accept that he is going to give up on me? or already has.
How long have you & ex been apart? It may be that you are protecting yourself which is fine. If this new guy does love you then he will give you the time you need. It sounds like he is rushing you & you're not ready.
Try explaining to the new man that you really like him but things are moving too fast & you need time. There is no harm in taking your time & getting to know him before you make any commitment in fact I think it is essential.
Thankyou Balders Over two years. It was not good for years. I have been honest with new man about all of it. But I fear he may lose respect for me because it took me two years to get ex out of house and now I let him stay over christmas. I know the truth but it must look odd.
I think I am scared of being hurt. Not that I have ever been hurt by a man.
I do want to live with him, actually i think i would just prefer to get to that point. I just can't seem to tell him this. He jokes about "our house" or me making and choosing things for his house, etc,..and I assume that this coupled with his question about living together means he wants to live with me? But still I can't bring myself to say what I want.
I think I give mixed signals. he never did. Now I feel he does. Of course he would if he thinks I do. How can I break that cycle? I guess that is probably the crux of the problem.
I think your wobbles are your instincts, or your common sense if you prefer, telling you something isn't quite right.
He's intense ( not a good thing IMO); and you say he is open and honest, but you lose touch and don't speak for days, or go weeks without seeing each other. There's quite a contradiction there. Fine when you're together, intense even, yet quite casual when you're apart. If he's so keen, doesn't he miss you? However busy he is?
He also asked if you wanted to live with him, which you found strange and premature - because it was. Then you squashed down that feeling with 'at least I know his intentions'.
You also call him goal oriented. That he told you outright about his plans for the future. Which sounds fine, but the impression is that he is pushing towards something. That makes you sound like a means to an end rather than someone he deeply cares about.
I don't want to rain on your parade too much, but you are blaming yourself for creating obstacles, when it's his behaviour that seems 'off' here.
Write down how you feel, what you would like to say to him. It will help to get it straight in your mind & then when you are sure that you know what you want yo say then talk to him. Take the notes if with you if it helps.
If you want to be with this man then tell him. It can only go 1 of 2 ways, he tells you he doesn't want to take it any further or he does.
I think you need to bite the bullet.
Trackbird, yes there is this feeling, You also call him goal oriented. That he told you outright about his plans for the future. Which sounds fine, but the impression is that he is pushing towards something. That makes you sound like a means to an end rather than someone he deeply cares about
But, again in his culture relationships are quite sort of, not sure how to explain it, functional maybe. They are not known for warmth, hugs, affection and saying "I Love you" they are taciturn people, don't engage in small talk, and they are super reserved people. He is like this too. I try to rationalise it all, but its all so completely alien to me!
I think he does love me. he has been patient, kind and supportive.
But, I know that I have to be more direct in how i speak and approach things. He is very direct. I struggle and feel too vulnerable telling him how i feel. If anything i am more reserved and I think I have confused him at times.
I wrote him a letter before christmas. he really appreciated it. I think he would laugh if he saw me with notes in front of me. He knows I'm eccentric (he is a bit too) but maybe notes on my lap might be a step too far I shall try writing it down though.
I tried to explain that English people date and go out for a long time getting know each other. He apologised and said that it was his fault. But I also am at fault because I do know what I want I just can't bring myself to be as direct as him and just say it. I'm a twit.
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