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Very Nosey SIL and annoying!!

(22 Posts)
Holly34 Sat 02-Jan-16 05:32:38

Incase I miss her call (intentionally because I just prefer to text or sometimes not talk) I will get a message saying I am not answering her call also she calls my husband to tell him which is so annoying and childish like. I can't stand her mostly and don't know how I can distant myself wo offending her. I am fairly new in this area so it is nice to meet up with her for coffee, lunch and shopping. In return she wants to know all our business? I don't feel comfortable with this at all and hate it.

The thing I hate the most she asks these questions freely whilst her 13 year old daughter is listening to all our conversation, good or bad. I don't want to share my life with a 13 year old I can't be that desperate can I?

Chottie Sat 02-Jan-16 06:11:33

I think you need to have some stock phrases to trot out to shut down the conversation when she asks about stuff you don't what to talk about.

I'm sure some MN will be along soon with some good responses smile

coconutpie Sat 02-Jan-16 10:02:46

You didn't marry your SIL, you married your husband. You are under no obligation to have any sort of relationship with her. If you dislike her, then keep her at arm's length. Tell your DH to tell her to stop annoying him if you don't answer her calls. She sounds like a very needy pain in the ass.

HortonWho Sat 02-Jan-16 10:13:24

Your text reply:
"No, I'm not because it's not a good time for me to speak. I can answer a short text, if it's urgent."

Your DH's text reply:
"Why are you texting me that Holly doesn't pick up your call like we were all 12? Am I suppose to stand over her and tell her to call you this minute."

So you are new to the area, "can't stand her" but are happy to meet up with her for coffee and shopping. So you're using her until you make your own friends?

Sounds like she's trying really hard to include you and you just don't like her. I feel bad for your SIL and think your DH should tell her not to bother with you.

hadtoregregister Sat 02-Jan-16 10:15:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littleleftie Sat 02-Jan-16 10:22:24

I agree with PP, you seem to want the best of both worlds here. You want to use her for company when it suits you, but actually you can't stand her?

I think you need to slowly distance yourself in terms of how often you see her, how long for, and also distance yourself emotionally so that when you do see her you are only discussing things like what you saw on TV, the weather, handbags. This way you should be able to reach a level of contact that is acceptable. If she continues to rage when you don't reply to texts that isn't really your problem is it?

How come the 13 year old is always coming out with you? Is she home schooled?

Arfarfanarf Sat 02-Jan-16 10:26:21

Stop meeting her for coffee if you dont like her. I'd rather be alone than hang out with someone i disliked.

She can ask what she likes. Nothing to say you have to answer.
Wow that's personal!
why do you need to know that?
how much did it cost? Too much haha
how much do we earn? Not enough!

Or every time she asks you a question, ask her a ridiculously personal one right back. I find people who quiz others are often oddly opposed to answering personal questions!

Join a group, meet people, do something. Dont use someone you dont like as company. It isnt making you happy, is it?

BeverlyGoldberg Sat 02-Jan-16 10:32:16

My in laws call/text my husband if I don't answer their texts within what they consider to be a reasonable time. It is so fucking annoying, like being reported to your boss for not performing.

diddl Sat 02-Jan-16 10:54:33

"In return she wants to know all our business?"

Or maybe she thinks that you like her & is making conversation?

Calling your husband is odd.

Perhaps she suspects that you are avoiding her & using her?

With any luck she'll work it out & stop bothering with you.

Holly34 Sat 02-Jan-16 11:32:56

I have moved to another country there is a whole cultural and language difference.

SIL never meets me alone the 13 year old is always in her company, usually after school or weekends (they are very tight). I have only asked her once or twice to meet up for coffee in last few months. She is the one who wants to meet up every weekend as she is taking her kids out. She is always with her 13 year old or with all three (both under 10)!!

I am 35 weeks pregnant being bored at home honestly speaking it seems a good option just to get myself out and about for some exercise, even with all her kids, not using her at all.

I want some suggestions how I can say no wo hurting her feelings, or will they get hurt anyway?

MoMoTy Sat 02-Jan-16 11:40:20

You have a problem with the way she is and her kids being with her, where do you plan to leave your baby when you meet up with people. I think you can't complain if you want her company because it's just how she is.

ImperialBlether Sat 02-Jan-16 11:41:18

I really hate it when women want to talk about private things when children are present. I also hate it when they "confide" those things to their child or their husband. It's not difficult to understand that just because you tell someone something, you don't intend for it to be discussed with other people.

diddl Sat 02-Jan-16 11:47:46

Do you think that your husband has asked her to keep asking you out then?

Just say no!

Can you not get out & about by yourself?

Holly34 Sat 02-Jan-16 12:00:00

Yes I can get out alone but with very short days here it gets dark at 2.00pm, its difficult to plan ahead, but not impossible.

Haha can you imagine my husband has done all this! confused

PotteringAlong Sat 02-Jan-16 12:03:15

You're allowed to leave the house after dark, you know.

hadtoregregister Sat 02-Jan-16 12:05:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Holly34 Sat 02-Jan-16 12:06:23

diddl saying no is hard but I will have to try. I wish she could just get it when I don't answer her calls.

Holly34 Sat 02-Jan-16 12:10:15

PotteringAlong your so funny thanks for making me laugh out loud
hadtoregregister yes very true

Arfarfanarf Sat 02-Jan-16 12:19:23

Yes her feelings might get hurt but you aren't trying to hurt her feelings are you? So how she feels about you not choosing to share your private information is her problem.

Are you going to say that her feelings are higher priority than yours and you will answer questions you don't want to because you'd rather do that than risk her not being happy?

If so, then you need to work on that or people will trample all over you. You can't always stop people being 'offended' unless you are a complete doormat who never stands up to anyone. You have to accept that sometimes for whatever reason, someone may not be happy and that's ok.

You can't live your life round a few hours of daylight. If it's dark - it's dark. I'm assuming people don't finish work at 2pm? You'll just have to adjust.

If language is a problem, see if there are any courses you can attend to help you learn it. They will also be social opportunities.

Hissy Sat 02-Jan-16 12:22:39

Stop giving a shit!

If she calls and you want to answer and go out, do so.

If she calls and you don't want to go out, say so.

If you don't want to talk, let voicemail pick it up.

If she calls your h and he doesn't tell her to ftfo then that's his look out, if he rings and tells you, give him a bollocking and tell him to butt out. Perhaps then he will tell her to leve him out of it or just do that non committal "oh well she's probably busy or resting or whatever, don't know why you're calling me about it"

Don't reward this shit with any attention.

If you are however using her for company, then that's not right.

If she asks inappropriate questions just say "I'm not discussing that with you"

Woman up love, take control of this and stop caring what others think. (((Hug))))

Holly34 Sat 02-Jan-16 12:53:46

Thank you guys, will take your advise on board and deal with it however she may feel about it. grin

Joysmum Sat 02-Jan-16 13:11:25

Stock phrases are good, but ultimately it's your attitude to things that is causing the problem.

Daft example: I'm stuck in traffic and use the opportunity to have a sing along to the radio and call family (on the car kit). I have a great time.

Person in the car next to me has s face like a wet fart and gets angry about something he can't change.

We have the same problem, we'll both be just as late, we are equally powerless but I'm chilled and he's not.

It's a question of attitude. It's ok to say no or to not overshare. That should not be uncomfortable, just a normal life skill.

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