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devestated angry and confused.

(14 Posts)
jillyarmeen16 Thu 31-Dec-15 11:57:07

My fiance and I broke up this week. He was cheating with a 22 year old from work. Found out from checking his phone.
I'm devestated, I can't believe he has done this to me. I'm angry that he's still lying , denying he's slept with her of course only admitting to some of it. There is zero chance of us working it out so why lie.
I feel like the man I thought I knew that loved me so much that wanted to spend the rest of his life with me is.. I don't know. He's gone and in his place is a selfish lying cheating coward.
I don't know how I can start to be ok with what has happened, our wedding day will pass by with no wedding and I will feel it all over again while he gets on with his life. I wish he would regret what he's done but I don't think he will.
Just need to get it out. I can't eat or sleep I never knew I could feel pain like this.

wowis Thu 31-Dec-15 12:05:21

aww op i'm so so sorry!! what an absolute tosser. I'm sure he will regret it and to be honest thank god you found out now so you're not tied to him. Try to think of it this way you would never choose to be with someone who could behave like this so he's not what you want anyway. I have been there and honestly in time you will see you totally dodged a bullet. For now be kind to yourself and look forward.Maybe plan a spa day on the wedding day, or get some friends round and do something. Make it the day I did not make a massive mistake. Your day will come. what a total dick. for you opflowers

InTheBox Thu 31-Dec-15 12:06:39

Right now it seems your life has just been pulled out from underneath you. It won't always feel like this. Thank fuck you didn't marry a lying cheating scum. Take it day by day. Are you living together with any DCs? How far along were you with wedding preparations?

OurBlanche Thu 31-Dec-15 12:13:31

Tell him that! Simply say "Just stop! The man I thought I knew that loved me so much that wanted to spend the rest of his life with me is gone and in his place is a selfish lying cheating coward."

Then walk away, leave him to it and try your damndest to live happily, as quickly as possible.

He is a total twat. He is... you are not. Leave him to it and eventually you will be ecstatic that you found out now, before your wedding day. You know that.

Have a good grieve over what should have been, cry your eyes out and then... get angry and get him out of your life.

xx

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Thu 31-Dec-15 12:22:42

Can't comment on the cheating (other than to say what a dickhead), but I wanted to empathise with the broken engagement. You will grieve the life you thought you were going to have. It's hard but it will get better. My 4th wedding anniversary should have been this week and I am so so glad I didn't marry the spineless, boring twat I was engaged to. I would undoubtedly be divorced by now and would probably have had to pay him off. Budget dodged. You will think that too one day.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Thu 31-Dec-15 12:23:27

Bullet dodged I mean!

goddessofsmallthings Thu 31-Dec-15 12:51:54

Emotional pain can be as persistent and intense as that of an abscessed tooth, but it will pass and you will come to realise that it is far better for you to have found out what manner of man he is before you tied the knot

Your discovery has turned your world upside down and, while that's been a shock to your whole system, you are also overwhelmed with grief at the loss of all of your hopes and dreams for the future.

Treat yourself as if you've gone down with a severe bout of 'flu. Make sure you drink plenty of fluids and try to eat easily digestible food such as scrambled eggs with bread and butter, nourishing soups, or a piece of poached smoked haddock with butter and a sprinkling of parsley - even if you can only manage a couple of mouthfuls it will help to keep your bloods stable

Be sure to keep warm when you're indoors - wrap yourself in a fluffy blanket and 'nurse' a hot drink in your hands. Run hot baths or showers and imagine all of your unhappiness going down the drain with the suds. Take a hot water bottle to bed and listen to Radio 4 to take your mind off its tendency to dwell on the one and only subject that's preoccupying it at the present time.

Rally your troops - all of those friends and relatives who can be trusted not to make you feel worse than you already do and vent your feelings. If the wedding venue has been arranged and preparations are underway, delegate someone to make all of the necessary cancellations and book yourself a holiday to somewhere you've never been before so that you'll be out of the country on the day.

Don't expect him to have any regrets as those who lack moral scruple are rarely able to focus on anything other than immediate gratification of whatever desires appear in their shallow minds.

Hold on to the thought that things happen for a reason and that in time you'll not only know why this happened, you'll also be immensely grateful it did.

flowers Hang on in there - it WILL get better and you will be the better for it.

Eeyore86 Thu 31-Dec-15 13:16:39

Been there OP and its shit.

My ex cheated on me with a mutual friend then lied about it and we then eventually split up 2 days before my birthday. I thought the world was ending that I would never recover from the physical and emotional pain the situation caused our wedding was fully planned and I was so humiliated at having to cancel everything (my mum ended up doing that for me as I couldn't face it after doing the first one as I couldn't handle the pity from other people, if there's anything to cancel that might be an option for you to consider as well?)

My ex denied it had happened however I had proof, though to him that didn't matter and he still didn't take responsibility for his actions (she eventually did but only after bumping into her on a night out this year and she told me to try and hurt me) he never gave me the answers I needed or at least thought I needed.

In the end he cheated because it was in front of him on a plate and he didn't say no it wasn't anything to do with me purely down him though that took years to accept.

The date will come and I spent what would've been my wedding day in London doing something id always wanted to but when 12pm came I was gutted and cried for what my life was supposed to have been.

However, it is by far without any doubt the best thing that ever happened I thought i was marrying my best friend and it turns out I had a lucky escape from someone who didn't respect me enough not to cheat.

Don't expect him to regret what he's done at least not at the moment my ex regrets it now he's still alone and I've got an amazin DP who I'm moving in with next month, you've decided that you don't want to be in the relationship following his affair stay strong with that and it will eventually get better, it will take time, when this was happening to me people said time is a great healer and I wanted to scream at them but it is true.

I went out and got totally hammered never been so drunk in my life and I regret losing control like that if you've got good support in rl talk to them don't be afraid to cry and being angry is totally normal I found having very limited contact with my ex hard at first as I wanted answers and missed him so much but it made things easier in the end

Good luck OP, you've had a lucky escape (even though it may not seem like it at the moment) this isn't your fault it's his and be kind to yourself

jillyarmeen16 Thu 31-Dec-15 19:33:49

Thank you all. We were living together. No shared dc one each from previous.
I know I am relieved that I found out now, I just never ever thought he would do this to me, we were so in love just a couple of months ago.
We had booked venue cake and honeymoon it's all been cancelled. He's gone I chucked him as soon as I found out.

Chiggers Thu 31-Dec-15 20:28:40

Think of things another way, OP. This is the first day of the rest of your life. Time to make it a good one.

You can't change what has happened, no matter what answers you need to hear, so close that chapter and move on. What you can do is ensure you decide what you want from your future and start laying the foundations for it.

Don't get angry with him, get better by living well..........on the foundations you laid/are laying for the better life you want. You can and will move on with your life OP. It'll be hard at first, but with a little faith in yourself, you can achieve loads and moving on will become 2nd nature.

Hope you get through this without too much trouble smile.

jillyarmeen16 Thu 31-Dec-15 23:30:36

My heart is breaking. This was one of the best years that ended up the worst. Next year I should have been getting married to what I thought was my best friend. I feel shell shocked that he has done this.
It's the two completely different personas that is so incomprehensible to me.
I can't imagine ever trusting anyone ever again.
I know I've dodged a bullet but I just wish I could turn back the clock and none of it ever happen.
I miss him. He should be here. We were supposed to be a team now we are strangers.

jillyarmeen16 Fri 01-Jan-16 22:40:28

It's not getting better it just keeps hitting me in waves. He doesn't care. I'm so angry he can just move on like I never existed. Im torturing myself and I can't stop.

Ticktacktock Fri 01-Jan-16 23:22:40

Just typed a long reply and lost it. Basically, my husband cheated after 6 mths of marriage with a friend. Devastated was an understatement. I literally begged him to come back to me. Many congratulations on you not doing the same. It's so!hard at first yes, but it gets easier.

I found i was better out of the house, and in company, but you do still need to grieve, so you must. It's so good you found out now. My ex is now on his 4th wife, each marriage ended with him cheating. You will in time, sit back and watch with interest how his life pans out xxx

jillyarmeen16 Fri 01-Jan-16 23:33:40

I'm not begging him back. I don't want him. He knew I would never forgive. But I want him to acknowledge what he's done. I want him to somehow understand the hurt and devestation he had caused. He's moved on already. How can he not care about me at all so soon?? It hurts. I want him to hurt and regret and feel sad and lonely.

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