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DH always says all fights are my fault

(7 Posts)
PagesOfABook Sun 27-Dec-15 14:30:57

Been together 17 years -since were 19 - have 2 DCs.

We get on sometimes very well but also fight all the time. If you listen to DH he would tell you it's all my fault.

He says I don't pay enough attention to him or show I care about him. I agreed this is true. The reason is that I am always so tired I just collapse in to bed at the end of the day.

He also says I nag. Maybe I do.

One DC has some special needs and needs a lot of extra help. So I work full time, come home and work with DC2 plus make dinner, do housework and homework etc. DH works late so I do it all myself and it is hard going.

When I do get a day off I might spend some time resting - a few hours -but I always sense DH silently fuming as he goes about cleaning - that i have dared to stop working.

DH pulls his weight around the house. He easily does more than 50% of the housework - but I do all the extra work with DC2 and that takes up a huge amount of time.

DH constantly implies I don't pull my weight around the house - and ignores me when i list off all the things I actually do.

Last night I went downstairs to the living room to watch TV with him and he was doing the ironing - complaining because the ironing basket was full. I said I did do housework yesterday but took it a bit easy as it was Boxing Day - and I'd done all the work with DC2. He was fuming.

What can I do. I'm stuck here. We fight all the time. I'm prepared to acknowledge I contribute in some ways to us not getting on - but he always says I'm the one who causes everything.

On Christmas Eve I was very mildly grumpy in the morning. But then we went out and had a lovely day shopping and went for pizza. We were getting on all day - having a laugh -both very happy - except for a very short spell early on Christmas Eve. On Christmas night DH started saying i ruined the day by being grumpy all the time. When I reminded him we actually had a lovely day overall he said nothing. I fell asleep and he got the kids Santa presents and wrapped all of them and didn't wake me to include me. He knew I would want to be included. He was really angry saying it was because i'd ruined Christmas Eve.

I really don't think I am deluded. I'm not perfect - sometimes I'm grumpy and I nag - but overall I'm actually nice enough. If I though I was a total bitch I could understand DH being so angry.

Now I feel like just staying away from DH - but how can I when we live in the one house.

Last night he told me to stay away from him. So this morning I am
staying away from him but I'm upset. He came in to the room and said do I want to go to the shops. I said no. Because I've rejected his olive branch he's back to feeling superior. I just feel like this is a never ending cycle of arguing - what's the point in going shopping today and ending up fighting later

antimatter Sun 27-Dec-15 14:35:06

How cones he diesn't value time you spend helping your child in top of 50% of housework you do?
Why not him doing 50% of that too?

And pls don't tell me he has no patience!

PagesOfABook Sun 27-Dec-15 14:39:37

The work with DC2 is vital and needs to be done daily. DH works long hours so I am happy to take responsibility for that work. DH recognises the huge benefit the work in doing with DC2 has had - but it doesn't stop him grumbling about the housework. I feel like the work I do with Dc2 is invisible. You can 'see' that work DH did - the perfectly clean kitchen and the stack of ironed clothes. You can't easily 'see' the work I do with DC2 but it is vital and time- consuming.

antimatter Sun 27-Dec-15 14:44:23

Record the time it takes you weekly to help your ds.
Then tell him to change his job so that he earns the same but contributes equal hours to his son's help.
Alternstively he coukd ask for a raise and hire a cleaner to unburden him.

He is an idiot!

BugEyedBeans Sun 27-Dec-15 16:00:00

Endless carping and negativity like this can be ruinous.

There's often one partner who does 'more' than the other, if you counted the hours, but if you feel you are pulling together for things you both value (a clean house and a happy child) then it shouldn't matter.

Could you talk about your aims for the New Year? Agree what you both want in the spirit of looking forward.

Tell him his grumbling is undermining, unpleasant and destructive.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 27-Dec-15 16:50:56

It sounds like he doesn't value the work you do with your DC, and that he also has a bad case of Blaming. Both of those things are relations-killers: in order for a partnership to work, both parties need recognise each other's contributions, and look for solutions to problems, not play sterile games of pass-the-blame.

The best way to get someone to recognise the work you do is to find a way for them to be stuck doing it themselves for a few days: they'll quickly realise firsthand just how valuable your contribution is.

And see if you're able to shift the conversation towards finding solutions, when he's trying to blame you for something. (constructive ones: not demands that you just be different).

If he can't value your contribution, and can't behave constructively when things aren't going well, then your relationship probably isn't fixable. But first, try to see if he is willing to shift on those two things.

lavenderhoney Sun 27-Dec-15 18:06:44

He's very much focusing on the negatives, if you had a nice day Christmas Eve except for a blip.

Telling you to stay away from him is nasty IMO- is he referring to sex?

You both can't do everything and could you both look into getting cleaning help? Or a babysitter whilst you ( both) clean?

And you most definetely need time to yourselves and time together.

Can you both sit down and write a list of top five things pissing you off and suggest solutions? In a nice way, I mean- as a team.

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