I am a new member, looking for some help on the thorny topic of a partner who has recently revealed his porn addiction - and how to move forward. Having looked through the forum, I have seen that many have posted on this issue, and mainly the advice largely seems to be to walk away from the relationship. Are there any members out there who, in contrast, have stuck with a partner who has admitted to and overcome a porn addiction - and if so, how have you managed to do it? I would be so grateful for any support or suggestions from anybody out there who recognises or understands.
The back story in brief ... my partner of four years revealed to me three months ago that he was addicted to porn. Our relationship always had a lot of friendship and affection, but the sexual aspect became more and more disconnected/impersonal on my partner's side once the initial 6 month honeymoon phase wore off, despite all my efforts. My self-esteem slowly crashed through the floor, my partner allowed me to believe that the problem was largely my fault, I became very depressed and despairing, and eventually we reached a point where I gave up trying to understand what was happening, why the relationship and communication had gone so wrong, why I was so unloveable, and after many fruitless conversations where I begged for answers and none were forthcoming, I finally gave up, and told him that as far as I could see the romantic part of our relationship was over, and perhaps we should just accept that we were platonic friends, since that in effect was what we were.
He then admitted to me that he was addicted to porn, that he had been using it for several hours every week throughout our relationship and indeed throughout his life since the age of 11 (he is now in his 40s). It was a huge shock to me, the last thing I ever expected. He had never told anyone about it before - and he says he had never realised fully before what a disasterous impact it was having on all his relationships, on his ability to function as a partner, on his understanding of intimacy. He begged me not to give up on him, and said that now he had finally admitted the truth, he felt that if I could bear to hang in there, he would prove to me that things could change.
Since that day, from what he has told me, he has totally stopped looking at porn, he has been going through recovery websites such as Your Brain On Porn and reading a lot of material on the subject, and he has started seeing a psychotherapist. If I am to believe him - and at the moment I do - he has had a huge wakeup call about the damage he has caused to me, to previous partners and to himself, and he seems to be genuinely committed to change, having acknowledged something he has never opened up about before. He says it is inconceivable to him now, knowing what he now does about the industry, about nature of porn addiction, about the hurt he has caused, that he would ever go back to it.
My question to members is - has anybody been in this situation, and managed to forgive their partner and move forward with a life together - and if so, how did you do it? I am struggling with overwhelming feelings of rage, grief, shame, guilt, jealousy, and pain, and finding it very difficult to see a way through, whilst at the same time my partner is absolutely determined to try and put things right, and prove to me that he can change. It is hard for me to imagine moving forward because the man I thought I knew, and the relationship I thought I had, never really existed - so even though I don't want to give up, I don't know where to start - and I would greatly value any advice that anyone out there could give, especially those who have gone through this experience?
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Relationships
Can a relationship recover from a partner's porn addiction? Advice needed...
9 replies
AnnaWakeling · 21/12/2015 22:41
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