Hi all, new to MN but I've been reading a few threads and am hoping for some advice on how to manage my MIL from you fab lot. Apologies, it's a bit of a long ramble!
My MIL is not an evil or deliberately nasty lady, she's just a bit strange at times mental and while usually harmless, she does have a few behaviours which give me cause for concern for the future and as my DD gets older (currently 8mo) and I need some advice on how to manage her.
She's the kind of lady who always knows best, is always right and can't take any amount of criticism. Since DH and I got together I've been subjected to a fair amount of being told what to think, what to do etc. with the odd criticism (e.g. when DD was 6mo, I was very low and self esteem was rock bottom which she knew. We'd explained this to her during a visit as we'd not been brilliant at visiting etc. for a while. When we were leaving she patted my belly and told me I need to 'watch that' as people probably think I'm pregnant again before turning to DH and saying 'she needs to exercise'). My feelings quite often get hurt and I'd love to be able to express my own opinions and feelings but bite my tongue for the sake of DH and to keep the peace.
The problem I have is that although up til now I've tolerated being belittled etc. I'm not happy for my daughter to be treated the way I or DH's niece (13yo) are treated (like we're very young children) and I feel I need to be able to stand up to her when DD needs to be protected. My DSis also pointed out that it won't be healthy for DD to see her treating me like that either.
DH won't stand up to her (yet - I'm working on it). She seems to have trained him very well and over the years we've been together he will lie without even knowing it to protect her - he repeatedly told me over years that his parents have the strongest relationship he's ever seen but then a couple of months ago admitted that FIL finds MIL very difficult and pushes him so far that he's come close to leaving a good few times. He can't tell me why he lied about this...
The problem I have is that as I said earlier, she can't ever be wrong and cuts off contact with family members after rows.
Without going into the whole story, the day after my wedding she told my nephew that my DSis was 'silly' in front of her when she was trying to manage a tired, slightly difficult 3yo. DSis called her out on it and told her that she'd undermined her parenting. MIL cried, cried to all the other guests who were still there, guilted DSis into apologising and started avoiding her from then on. For the next year she couldn't be in the same house as DSis (even when both families helped up move house, wanting to announce our pregnancy to both families together etc.) and then sent DH texts saying that she was depressed and on medication because of the incident. DSis felt that the situation had been resolved on the day but MIL wouldn't go anywhere near her or even bear to hear her or nephew's name until DD's christening a year later.
I feel it's important for DD to have a good relationship with PIL and don't want to do anything to jeopardise that. How do I manage her without causing a family breakdown when she treats/says something to DD or myself that I find unacceptable?
I thought I'd ask while DD is small and can't understand to give time to maybe lay some groundwork?
Any advice would be amazing, I don't want to be a doormat anymore!
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MIL Advice Needed!
8 replies
PeachPantaloons · 19/12/2015 23:22
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