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How to get out and stay out of abusive relationship?

(10 Posts)
ShaHal125 Thu 17-Dec-15 02:49:50

I've already made the steps, we've not lived together for 17 months due to him kicking me out at 3am when I was 11 weeks pregnant ( he wanted me back home the next day but I moved into my mums where it was a stable home ) I now have my own home

We've split up more times than I could count this year, but I always end up going back. How can I stop myself? I don't know why I do, I'm not afraid of being on my own, the weeks that I have I've thoroughly enjoyed.

I know he's not the man for me, he should be in prison for the things he's done to me.

So why can't I properly leave him?

TheBouquets Thu 17-Dec-15 04:34:49

It is entirely your own choice. When he put you out at 3 a.m. while being pregnant do you think that was a loving and caring thing to do to for you or the child. It is not the easiest thing to do to live on your own. It is not about whether you are scared or not. It is more do you want to be bullied by him when you are back with him or is it better for you and the child to have a peaceful house and answering to no-one. If you now have your own house do not whatever you do let that go. I don't know if it is a rented house or an owned house. Either way it is yours and the child's house. If you give up the house he will have more control over you.
It is maybe habit that draws you back to him. If you have been with him for years that is now your "normal". You can find a new "normal" for you and the baby. There is no way you or the child should be living with someone who should be in jail! Think of the child's future.
Take care of you and the baby.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Thu 17-Dec-15 06:22:41

Because you're choosing not to.

The hard part is leaving. You've done that bit.

Only you know why you keep going back.

munkynutts Thu 17-Dec-15 10:16:43

Because you're scared you wont find anyone else to love you. But you will.

SquareRootOfPie Thu 17-Dec-15 10:21:06

Read two books

1) a woman in your own right (by Anne Dickson)
2) WHY does he do that (Lundy Bancroft)

Minimise communication. I saw on another thread, if you have to take a call from him, put him on speaker and tell him there's a witness. Or record it.

Don't bother defending yoruself against his accusations. That's what kept me going back for more. I would keep on defending myself against all the ridiculous slurs and accusations. But don't. Stop.

SquareRootOfPie Thu 17-Dec-15 10:24:02

this article helped me

Also if you enjoy being on your own, why do you go back? For the sake of appearances? Ask yourself what matters more to you, appearing to be happy (ie, normal, conventional, in a couple) or actually being happy?
Don't prioritise appearing to be happy over genuine peace and contentment.

You don't owe it to him to give him any more chances. If he were PERFECT you'd still be entitled to end it.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 17-Dec-15 10:37:26

Have you done the Freedom Programme?
Run through Womens Aid?
That might help you.
I suspect you had poor examples of relationships when you were younger.
Have you had any counselling or therapy?
Basically you don't think you deserve any better.
But you do. So therapy can help you see that maybe?
Also look up co-dependency. I believe they have groups you can attend like AA do. That could also help you?
Until you can learn to love yourself you'll continue to be abused.

ShaHal125 Thu 17-Dec-15 14:05:59

Some good points have been made here,

I guess it is habit and it has become normal. I doubt I'd know how to function in a normal relationship now. I'd been with him now for nearly 6 years.

I know why I stayed a few years back, we had a premature son who died 2 hours after he was born, I was desperate for another baby, it took nearly 2 years but now I finally have her.

Yes I need to stop defending myself against his accusations, I need to stop thinking his opinions matter. He changes history all the time to the point I get confused where "did I actually do that?" Maybe it is me, maybe he's right.

Every now an then the light shines through and I see what he does for what it is, emotional abuse ect. He's abusive in every single way.

I don't want another partner, iv not made good choices with any of my partners so I need to stay single for a long time. Because if I don't my little girl is just going to be me in 20 years time and it will e my fault. I need to stop the cycle now.

It's not for the sake of appearance, I don't go out with him publicly as he's embarrassed me too many times, and I don't tell people when we've got back together ecsuse I'm embarrassed that I've done it again.

Yes I've always had issues with self love as such, but now with 6 years of being told how useless I am, how everything I touch turns to shit, how I killed my son and he feels sorry for our daughter, I've ended up believing it even more.

I suppose it is easier to get back with him than put up with the threats an the abuse, also the lies he tells about me are horrific. I need to stop caring what other people think.

Thank you some of these comments have been very helpful

CharlotteCollins Thu 17-Dec-15 14:15:13

When you're thinking clearly, write yourself a list of all the reasons you shouldn't go back. Add to it as you think of more. And then look at it when you've forgotten it all because you're feeling grateful for your LO, or whatever is pulling you back.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 17-Dec-15 14:16:19

Please look up 'gaslighting abuse' it will enlighten you enormously.
You realise it's a cycle and you want out for your DD sake.
Please get out and keep out now before your poor DD is damaged and gets into the same cycle as you.
Everything he says is total bullshit and you need to understand that.
I'm so so sorry you lost your son.
Womens aid can help you. Do give them a call.

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