I've either got to suck it up or leave - don't I?

[Twothirdsamidwife]

Been married for almost 9 years, husband works 2 jobs, great dad but is one of life's plodders.

I've almost finished uni, we have 5 kids altogether, everything gets left to me - washing, cleaning (I've not done it for 2 mths as had dissertation due), cooking, shopping, kids stuff such as baths, clothes shopping so much so that youngest is v clingy to me when I get in so can't cook a meal without her demanding my attention.

Problem - husband does nothing around the house, the empty toilet rolls will pile up in bathroom until I move them, we will run out of milk, bread, loo roll as I'm the only one who will buy it. Nobody tidies, puts stuff away apart from me and I feel like fucking Cinderella. I've tried going on strike - hence the house is a total shit hole and no one cares but me.

Today was final straw - I had Monday off placement with littlest las she's had a sickness bug. He had had thurs on and last Friday off with cold/cough, but went back to work Monday. Littlest went to CM Tuesday but this morning just didn't look well, tired, snotty and clingy. Him coughing and coughing, hardly able to talk yet he's happy for littlest to go to CM and him to work. I give in and say I'll stay off placement with her and off he goes to work.

I've got essays to do and a house to clean but all I've done is sulk in tears and really down because no matter what I say or do life is not changing.
I love him to bits but can't live with this level of apathy anymore

[mum2mum99]

to you. Cinderella is how he views women. Pretty occasionally but a maid most of the time. He is not a supportive partner. He is selfish and makes no apologies for it. You would be better off on your own. It would be one lot less to clean and wash.
Suck it up does yourself no favour. And none to your children as they will learn that this is the expected role for a woman. A high price to pay for your wonderful sex life!

[RedMapleLeaf]

Apart from sulking how else have you tried to communicate your unhappiness?

[CarbeDiem]

You need to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to pull his finger out or you will make your own life a shit load easier by telling him to leave.
It's NOT acceptable that you're taking on the whole responsibility of family life and housework. Fair enough he's working 2 jobs but the kids and housework don't stop regardless.
Make a rota if it's easier - involve the kids in it too.

[CatMilkMan]

mum2mum99 knows what your husband thinks and she knows why he does what he does.

[bishboschone]

Are you working ? Does he see the house as your job ? I don't work , my husband works long hours . I do everything in the house , cook , clean , childcare etc but it's fine as my dh is a hard worker and earns good money so I'm happy with our arrangement .

[RatherBeRiding]

Have you talked to him about it? I've re-read your post and it is clear he does nothing, but have you actually asked him to? Have you told him how unfair it is and how hard you find it - he shouldn't need to be told but if this is how he thinks "things should be" when one partner works and the other doesn't then you may need to spell it out and gauge his reaction.

THEN if he still doesn't get it, or simply refuses to pull his weight, then you decide to suck it up or leave.

You're at Uni - does he equate this with "not working". Does he believe that because he holds down two jobs to support 5 DCs and a partner at Uni that he is absolved from any domesticity?

That's the conversation you need to have with him.

[mum2mum99]

I have been here CatMilkMan ( not sure what being sarcastic says about you) and I have little faith that he would change. So I stand by my opinion, that's all I can do. It is up to the OP to try to have a serious conversation with him or not and decide for herself.

[magoria]

He works 2 jobs. How many hours is he out of the house for? How many hours are you out on your placement?

Can you as a family afford for him to sacrifice a job and do more in the house?

[PoorFannyRobin]

Your husband works two jobs. Two jobs and is a good father, if a plodder. Obviously not abusive, etc. You stated that you are finishing uni and have not done cleaning in two months due to completing your dissertation, and yet you expect him to come home after working two jobs and clean and/or cook. While there are certain things that every person above a certain age should do (putting dirty clothes in hamper, bringing dirty dishes to sink or dishwasher, putting trash in trash cans, just in general picking up after oneself so you may need to post a list and remind everyone of reasonable expectations), I can't understand why cleaning the house, washing clothes, and buying groceries and cooking should be so impossible to do, even with children. And I'm speaking from experience. Please don't listen to some of the posters here who are telling you that you are being taken advantage of by your husband; unless there is a heck of a lot more to this story, you aren't. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic having five children to care for can't be easy. But it's really up to you to organize your time at home if you do not work outside the home.

[Drew64]

He has 2 jobs!
What more do you want him to do.

I used to have 2 jobs and the only time I was at home was to eat dinner and sleep.

[FourForYouGlenCoco]

Right I'm guessing from your username that you're a 3rd year midwife. Clearly none of the previous posters have ANY idea what that entails. I only made it through first year before cracking so I take my hat off to you!
But having said that, it does sound like your OH is pretty decent. Not everyone has the same standards, sadly, and you can't make someone want to be tidier! He sounds like the sort of person (man) who needs to be pointed in the right direction. No, it's not fair, and it's intensely annoying that you should have to treat your partner like a child in order to get anything done, but there it is. Sit down with him, figure out what he can reasonably be expected to do, write it all down and stick it somewhere obvious so it's there for him to see. Same with the kids - presumably the older ones at least are old enough to be contributing to the house?! It seems like you need everyone to be clear on the roles expected of them within the household, and then if he/they still fail to do anything, you've got a leg to stand on to tackle them about it. You can still take on some stuff, you just need the pressure off a bit.
Uni/dissertation stress won't be helping either, are you caseholding too? You're right that uni is top priority at the moment, and if nothing else gets done except the basics, fine. It's just about survival for the next few months. Once you're out the other side and qualified, things will get better.

[petalsandstars]

He may work two jobs but how many hours is he working? As uni and placements is a full time job equivalent too! Not pulling his weight is unacceptable.

[Twothirdsamidwife]

Thanks for reading - I'm at uni as a student midwife so have to do full time hours in placement and essays and reading. For the last two months I've done enough to tick over ie shopping, cooking & washing but tidying and hoovering has been left. We've got 3dcs here full time and 2 eow.

He's of the school that everyone should do their share ie kids and has a go at them for being messy yet he doesn't set by example iyswim. Absolutely everything from changing the beds to taking toiletries upstairs from in the stairs is left to me.

We have had countless discussions over the past 12 years we've been together but nothing changes - he says he needs to be told to do stuff - nope I do enough nagging of the kids. He doesn't have any pride in where or how we live and just accepts what ever state I can manage at any particular time. I do t feel like we're part of a team and I just hate feeling so under appreciated.

[Twothirdsamidwife]

Thank you Fourfor and petalstars

[pocketsaviour]

he says he needs to be told to do stuff - nope I do enough nagging of the kids.

So you're prepared to divorce rather than help him meet your standards?

Marriage is about compromise. Yes it would be lovely if he had the same standards of tidiness as you, but he doesn't and that's the man you married. He's said he will help if you ask him. So ask.

If he then still doesn't help when asked, then he's a tosser, obvs.

[anastaisia]

It's not that he doesn't have the same standards as her though is it - you can sort of let that slide if everything else is good - it's that he doesn't do ANY of it without being given instructions, despite the fact that her out of the home hours work/uni are also more than one full time job.

Even basic things like noticing if there are everyday groceries in the house or not and cooking meals for himself and the children aren't considered to be his job unless he's told to do them from the sounds of it.

[RandomMess]

I would delegate the food shopping and menu planning and cooking to him.

Literally give it all to him and say you're not doing it anymore you take over or we will all go hungry.

He will learn the hard way but the dc will demand to be fed, he will want to eat so it will happen.

No criticism of living off convenience food a lot in the beginning just grin and bear it. The mental relief of having a huge chunk taken on by your partner is worth it.

[Aspergallus]

Perhaps you could buy him a copy of Wifework for Xmas? Seriously.

It won't be long and you'll both be working out of the home, but while he'll have downtime at home, you'll be run ragged with keeping house and home together.

I do think we need to communicate clearly to the men in our lives about what equality means to us, what we expect etc. Not because it's our job to nag them, but because both men and women fall into these culturally entrenched thinking patterns. We wake up to it because we're bloody exhausted. Give him a chance to wake up to it too.

[Joysmum]

I'm in a similar position in that we are currently making the transition to DH doing more.

My DH also needs direction. He needs to be told to do something and he happily does it.

It pisses me off no end that he needs to be told as it effectively leaves me still in change of managing the home. DH simply doesn't see what needs doing.

So the choice was mine, continue to be pissed off at his inability to manage himself at home especially as he is department manager of a multi million pound region at work so clearly capable at work or just tell him the jobs that need doing. He then does it without fuss and there's no drama.

I then remembered back to when I needed to be told about things that needed doing re maintenance and DIY. Same as him, I never 'saw' what needed doing and was happy to be told as I didn't see it myself otherwise.

Things are better now. I instruct, he does it. I get my priorities done and we are both relaxed about it.

If he moaned or didn't do as instructed we'd have a problem but just needing to tell him isn't the annoyance it used to be

[defineme]

I have started writing on a whiteboard each morning, jobs, what's for tea, which kids need to go where. Dh ticks it off when he does one. Seems to be working and no nagging involved.

[RedMapleLeaf]

I'm glad that you found a solution that works for your households, and I might try the same thing if I found myself in a similar situation. But I can't help but think - who did this delegating/listing duty when the men lived alone? Who was telling them to wash their sink or buy food for tea? Who micromanages them at work?

Imagine living with someone who knows to wipe up a spill on the work surface without you having to tell them.