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So who was being out of order?

(8 Posts)
maggiethemagpie Mon 14-Dec-15 17:41:09

I have a friend who can be a bit flaky, typically if I try and get in touch she will take AGES to reply and sometimes not even reply at all. It pisses me off big time, so much so that i kind of stopped bothering a while back and we went quite a few months without seeing each other....but she is an old friend, and has been at times, a good friend.

So we did end up seeing each other again, and went out for a coffee and then more recently I went to her daughter's birthday party (as our kids are similar ages) and we were getting on well so i invited her to come for dinner over xmas.

I texted her to see if she was free on a certain date and she replied saying she wasn't sure what she was doing and would get back to me. Then didn't get back to me.

Then I thought I'd turn it into a mince pie/wine/invite everyone we know kind of thing, and asked her again when she was free and said we could be flexible on dates.

Still no reply a few days later and my blood was boiling by now as I just find it so rude, and disrespectful, as we have invited them over and she can't even be bothered to let me know.

So I sent a message trying not to be too arsey, saying 'we're just going to put a date out there and invite people, if you can't come we'll catch up another time, can't my life on hold waiting for you to reply!'

Then she messages saying that I'm being 'guilt trippy' and having a go at me making ME feel like the bad guy, and that she couldn't reply because they were away and not sure what they were doing etc etc but has now given me a date, although it all feels a bit tainted now.

I replied saying I didn't want to feel like i was hassling her, and couldn't understand why she couldn't see how frustrating it was for me, and it shouldn't be this difficult?

It is literally like this every time with this friend, to the point where I honestly don't know why I bother. It just feels like I'm begging her to respond to MY invitation to HER - and if that's the way it is, I'm seriously beginning to question whether it is worth trying to maintain the friendship.

Apart from this one, big, thing we get on quite well. But she makes me feel so unimportant and insignificant when she ignores my messages or attempts to meet up - and there's nothing worse than feeling insignificant or ignored.

So was I wrong to say something, or was she - or are we both wrong and therefore shouldn't be friends anymore?

Jan45 Mon 14-Dec-15 17:45:10

I don't know why you bother, it's like the woman on here that come on in tears cos some twat hasn't been in touch with them.

If a person doesn't get back to you it's because they don't give a shit.

Move on OP, she's not good for you.

You were not wrong, tbh, I'd not have given her any more chances, have your party, hopefully she wont appear.

I bet she's not like that with people she wants to impress/like....this too busy is just BS.

ItchyArmpits Mon 14-Dec-15 17:53:01

Sometimes friendships go through a rough patch. Sometimes they can end entirely. It rather sounds like this one has run its course.

there's nothing worse than feeling insignificant or ignored. Of course there are many things worse than these, but the level of significance you're attaching to this incident suggests to me that this friendship isn't working for you.

I'm not saying either of you are wrong, just that it doesn't seem to be a good fit any more.

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 14-Dec-15 17:56:53

I think you just have very different modes of functioning: she appears flaky and chaotic to you, you probably appear needlessly rigid to her.

I don't think either of you are wrong to have your own mode of functioning. People are different. It isn't a case of right or wrong.

But the deciding factor is whether each of you is willing to make allowances, have some empathy, see things from the other's point of view.
OR indeed if you find the other's mode of functioning too intolerable to pursue the relationship.

But I think it's important for you to try to separate the behaviour from the person. The behaviour doesn't work for you. OK. But is the person behind the behaviour really bad?

winkywinkola Mon 14-Dec-15 17:57:44

Give up on her.

Even if she does give a shit - she doesn't - she's flaky and annoying.

All she had to do was check her diary.

She was waiting to see if something better came up.

Leave it or she will continue to piss you off with her rude ignorance.

You're worth a lot more. Make sure you have fun with real friends this Christmas.

maggiethemagpie Mon 14-Dec-15 18:09:58

Yeah, even if she doesn't mean it I just think it's rude. Like telling someone they don't really matter. I matter too much to be told I don't matter!

Maybe it's just different styles, but I'd always keep people in the loop - eg I'm not sure if we're free that day, we're waiting to hear back from x about y, but will let you know asap. AND THEN ACTUALLY LET ME KNOW!

It just creates a dilemma for me, do I say nothing and silently simmer, or say something and become the bad guy?

This time I said something, and was instantly the bad guy.

Life's too short for this hassle.

It really shouldn't be this difficult.

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 14-Dec-15 18:14:02

I have a friend who kept failing to reply to me, and so I've stopped contacting her because I don't want to chase her. But I decided not to feel hurt and rejected, since I don't know and can't know why she acts like that. And I prefer not to think ill of either of us (either that I am rejectable, or that she is disrespectful).

In fact, I kind of feel for her. I've known her since we were 8 and have a good handle on her neuroses, and I suspect that this is how it went down from her end:

- I contacted her, and she was in the middle of lots of other overwhelm so my friendly overture just made her feel hounded (too many demands) so she failed to reply.
- Further contacts just made her feel guilty, and therefore avoidant.
- And now she's probably just feeling too much shame at the mere thought of me (whom she failed to reply to) to get in touch herself.

Sounds like something similar may be going on with your friend, since she seems to be trying to deflect feelings of guilt.

Look, it's not great. But it's human.

Let her go if you're upset. But don't assume that you're being disrespected: you have no idea what is prompting her behaviour, and it most likely has nothing to do with you, but her own neuroses.

winkywinkola Mon 14-Dec-15 21:45:12


A four word text like I'm sorry I'm busy is not too much to ask.

Don't be too understanding and over analytical , op. Some people are just rude.

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