Hate my STBEX, how can I get through Christmas?

[Winniethewylde]

I filed for divorce in September. We have 2 young dcs and still live together mainly because financially neither of us are in a position to do anything about it. We've just started the mediation process.

We agreed to spend Christmas Day together, at home for the dcs sake. I'm dreading it. I hate him so much. He's selfish, inconsiderate and lazy. He plays no part in family life whatsoever other than financially.

I'm so angry with him this weekend. I took the dcs out all day yesterday, he asked when we were coming home and I said late afternoon, he said he was going out last night to which I replied fine. Got home to a note that dc1 found saying he'd gone out and wasn't going to be back until this afternoon. No explanation. I don't care what he's up to but the dcs do. Cue lots of mummy, where's daddy? Etc etc. This is typical of him. Does completely his own thing and fuck what anyone else feels.

I hate living with him and just want him out. He treats the place like a hotel anyway.

So fed up. I don't care about him one bit but I hate the way he's constantly letting the dcs down and I'm left to pick up the pieces. It happens time and time again. They love their daddy obviously but I feel I'm constantly covering for him. They are only young after all. Had enough. Not sure what I'm asking really but needed to vent.

[PurpleWithRed]

Been there, got the scars. I do feel for you.

Stop covering for him with the kids - if he's out he's out and if you don't know where he is just say you don't know. But wouldn't it be a good idea to start setting some times when they're his responsibility and you can go out? What's the plan for living separately? What contact will he have with the children then?

[Handywoman]

Sounds like you are sort of separated yet expecting him to be a part of family life, but not.

If you have some ground rules Re expectations of each other I think it would take the pressure off, such as allocated days where one parent is responsible for the dc.

Do they know you guys are separating?

[Winniethewylde]

It's hard as like I said, we are still in the same house. The dcs don't know as they are only young but I suspect the eldest is working it out. I assumed we'd tell them once we know who is living where and when we'd have them.

To be honest, I don't expect a thing from him, just a bit of consideration really, especially as we are all under the same roof. For example, I emailed him a list of things I was doing alone and with the dcs so he knew well in advance, also so they know what they are doing. He doesn't reciprocate. Just springs things on me at the last minute and expects me to pick up the pieces.

I guess we do need a clearer schedule of who is having them and when. He's just so fucking lazy and waits for instruction all the god damn time.

[Handywoman]

'to be honest, I don't expect a thing from him'

except that you do, really, you expect him not to just take off without notice. That's fair enough. The dc sound confused - you can use this to convince him to communicate s bit better and lay down expectations of you both while you're in this temporary setup. It's really tough, my stbxh is also passive and lazy. He needs to be told about everything - that's why im divorcing him! It won't ever change!!! Ever!!! I hope you are getting plenty of support. You need time out from the dc so you can recharge your batteries - all the more reason to set out who is responsible for what. A bit like setting up a contact schedule already....

[Winniethewylde]

That's exactly the position I'm in with him. It's bloody horrible. I'm sick of having to face all the questions about him from the dcs while he just swans about doing as he pleases and doesn't get any of the tough work. Need to speak to him then.

[pocketsaviour]

Winnie I really think you need to tell the DCs. They very obviously know something is going on and they must be getting so confused.

I know you want to be able to say "Daddy will be living at X and we will be staying here/living in Y, you will be staying with daddy EOW" or whatever, but not having a definite plan really doesn't outweigh them not understanding the change in the house and the atmosphere and feeling so unsettled.

[Winniethewylde]

How do I explain it to them though. I've done the lines of 'things are different now' 'daddy is doing different things' etc but I'm frankly petrified by it.

[wannaBe]

You need to tell the dc. That way you're not left feeling responsible for what he does.

Have been there, but it really is easier once the dc know and you don't have to justify doing things separately.

[Winniethewylde]

How do I explain it? They are 6 and 2.

[Winniethewylde]

I'm worried they will feel more unsettled not knowing how it will pan out.

[AnyFucker]

Neither of you are doing the dc's any favours are you ?

This is why living together and pretending to play happy families simply does not work

You are confusing them more by not telling them the truth

[Winniethewylde]

Ok. I get that. I thought it was the best thing to do but that's obviously not the case. I've not done this before so I'm blundering around in the dark really.

[CharlotteCollins]

You say, "Daddy and I don't love each other any more. We both love you and we always will. We're still living in the same house for the moment."

You might get some questions from the 6yo, or some upset, but you might just get "OK" and the conversation moves on!

[TooSassy]

Oh OP, shitty situation.

If I was in your shoes, I'd do the following.

Sit down with your STBXH and figure out a schedule of kids stuff (as if you were already in separate homes). Get him used to taking responsibility for the DC's on his days. This includes getting their food etc. If you can in the beginning make yourself scarce. Gym/ shopping/ friend or families house?
This stops him from swanning around and coming and going as he pleases.

Then you both have to seriously talk about how / when you tell the DC's. Are you in separate bedrooms already?

You need to be able to tell them that when its mummy's time, daddy's time is his own and you don't know where he is. You and your DH need to do this together and stick to whichever script you come up with.

DC's are remarkably resilient and will be ok. Especially if you and your STBXH are clear and consistent and not bickering constantly in front of them. The current situation doesn't sound like it's working very well and the children are just confused. Keeping them in the dark just isn't fair. And yes at 6, your oldest will have an inkling that something is wrong. Children at that age will always think that whatever the problem is, it is their fault. You need to tell the eldest at least.

[Handywoman]

Oh and if your stbxh is passive and lazy, I have news for you. He. Will. Not. Change. You will have to be proactive. About everything. For ever. Even when you are in separate homes he will still think of you as the default parent. The sooner you get comfortable with that fact the easier it will be for you to detach and move on. But if this sounds harsh I have more news for you. Being proactive and reshaping your setup will help you get the space you need to enjoy the space it creates to be you again. Think of opportunities like book club or swimming. Don't be the default parent any more. You deserve to get some me time like he is doing.

[AnyFucker]

My advice would be tell the children.

Then work out a tight schedule of who does what

At the moment your STBX is walking all over you. He is using your understandable reluctance to upset the DC against you. That is vile.

So take his power away, and get the playing field levelled.

The DC need to know at some point. Why not now ?

[AnyFucker]

And from right now you need to stop doing any wifework. Cease.