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I think I need to call this a day but not sure I have the strength.

(9 Posts)
Only1scoop Wed 09-Dec-15 19:37:56

Been with OH for 8 years. Have a dd who is 5 and jointly own the property where we live. Not married.

Problems over the years with trust. I discovered him on hook up type sites years ago early into relationship. No evidence that he ever met up with anyone from them. I read messages etc. We split up and he did a massive get me back campaign which after a few months I fell for. Ever since I've never really trusted.... and should never have stayed in relationship if I'm honest.

We had a chat a while ago. Sometimes I have just that feeling in my gut that he still lies. I don't believe he is up to anything physical ....OW etc. I sometimes fear that he's concealing seedy stuff though....just a feeling. I asked outright if he had other devices phones etc? and he stated he doesn't. I wanted to believe him. We have been through quite a bit in last few years. Late miscarriages etc. I feel our relationship is fragile. I however feel he wants to make it work.

He is a totally hands on dad and a very dependable partner. Has to go away quite a bit with work. Always sorts things to get home early as he can etc. Never makes excuses to be away from us.

We have had counselling as a couple in the past. I always felt he's not very receptive in this kind of situation. We tried.

Today I found out from another colleague that work had issued him with a new tablet a couple of months ago. I asked him why he didn't tell me? He said he's only used it once for work and it's in the boot of his car in the box it came in. He said he thought he'd told me. He one hundred percent hasn't. He has chosen not to tell me for whatever reason.

I'm really upset that he has yet again lied. Be it by omission. I crave normality in my relationship and trust.

I guess this sounds like nothing major. To me it's huge. It's the lies I can't stand in any shape or form.

I feel really disrespected and hurt.

His car is parked in the staff car park and he's away. I could go and find it. I don't want to really go down that route though.

I want my little family to stay together but I can't entertain lies. I don't really know what to do next.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long have condensed it down!!

RandomMess Wed 09-Dec-15 19:45:11

Part of me thinks that perhaps you should go and retrieve and look and providing there is nothing seedy on it you could look at why you are so afraid of trusting him/being vulnerable emotionally with him.

If it has got inappropriate things on it then you have your answers to your niggles and it is time to call it a day.

Hugs flowers

Only1scoop Wed 09-Dec-15 19:49:05

Thanks Random

Yes part of me feels I should.

However I would wait until he gets back and meet him there to look at it together. I'm not sneaking around.

The other part of me thinks if I need to go down this route it's over anyway.

TickingClock1 Wed 09-Dec-15 19:51:37

You sound very low, defeated & unhappy. If you don't trust someone it eats you up inside & makes you very anxious. If you don't think you can trust him & live your life with constant suspicion, regardless of how good a partner he is in other ways, you are always going to feel this way. He must be feeling pretty miserable too, under constant suspicion. Have you tried counselling on your own? This might be worth while before you decide what to do, ie leave? Separating isn't easy, but living with this constant fear if him lying to you & suspicion will make you utterly miserable. Life is too short to live this way. Good luck OP, keep posting as there is always excellent advice here.

RandomMess Wed 09-Dec-15 20:07:04

My DH behaved in a way that hurt me very much and it is taking me a loooooooooooooong time to truly trust him again, not because I don't want to but because I'm terrified of being that hurt again.

So my question is in all essence:

Is the niggle there because you are terrified of being hurt again or because he's up to something???

If it is just your (understandable) fear of being hurt that is something that you can change over time with help and allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable but it is very scary. I definitely "hold back" from my DH emotionally because of what happened, it's a very deep rooted survival mechanism.

Not sure that helps at all but don't just assume because something niggles now that you can't move forward if it's you withholding trust rather than your partner not being trustworthy IYSWIM.

Only1scoop Wed 09-Dec-15 20:55:21

Random thanks my niggles are a bit of both I guess.

Yes I also totally hold back because terrified of being in a really happy place and then it going wrong. I'd be even more hurt.

It's a lonely life at the moment.

Only1scoop Wed 09-Dec-15 20:58:26

Ticking yes you are right on many accounts.

Have had some counselling solo. My counsellor talked of drawing a line under the past hurts and attempting to move forward. I find this hard as if I give 99 percent and then get hurt its worse I feel.

Given this latest lie. I'm glad I've not given too much to the repair of this 'relationship'

Epilepsyhelp Wed 09-Dec-15 21:01:21

He could have remote wiped it anyway I think. It sounds miserable for you having no trust.

Only1scoop Wed 09-Dec-15 21:02:57

Oh could he? Seems little point looking at that then.

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