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Help! My partner's family hate me & it's making me ill. Should I just walk away with my 6 month old daughter?(47 Posts)
I'm in desperate need of some objective advice.
Me and my partner have been together 2 and 1/2 years and have a 6 month old daughter. We have been recently struggling in our relationship with regaining a balance or finding our flow as parents. I've been asking for relationship councilling to help iron out any issues we have with each other. (He resents me for not working and having to be the bread winner, I think he should help out more around the house and with our daughter etc.)
These problems, although stressful would be more manageable if his family didn't hate me and we're applying extra pressure on relationship.
I met my partner on a blind date which was set up by a mutual friend. I recently moved to the area, orginally been two hours away in a different county. Even after my contract at my job ended I found a new job and stayed as the relationship was blossoming. I got on well with his parents (whom he was still living with) straight away. Especially his mother who I felt I could talk to as equals - woman to woman. She seemed very straight talking and I liked that because I felt I knew where I was with her. I was invited on a family holiday and even extended an invitation for me to live with them after I left a live in job and needed to find somewhere to live after me and DP had been serious for a year.
After a few months of living there I had to go back to my home town as both my brother and mum were ill and my dad needed help coping with them. They both suffer from mental health problems and are prone to being suicidal.
DP's family think mental health problems are a weakness and pathetic. So I didn't go into details but left on a good note.
Whilst at home I discovered I was pregnant which was a surprise - I told DP and he was in shock but also was scared and reluctant to tell his family, even after it was confirmed that I was over 8 weeks.
It was then I found out his mother hated me and had been trying to get him to leave me for the majority of our relationship and had even been bad mouthing me to extended family.
Obviously I was devastated and completely blindsided. I didn't understand what I had done wrong or what I could do to make things better.
He told me I couldn't do anything because she hated me because he loved me and it wasn't personal she was just very controlling and had a warped view of other people when it came to him.
I suggested that I spoke to her face to face about her concerns for the sake of her grandchild that I was now carrying but he assured me it would make it much worse if I accused her of disliking me or bad mouthing me and that she would get over it eventually.
She sobbed hysterically when she found out I was pregnant and then pretended I wasn't pregnant and didn't exist for the following three months. I was told I wasn't allowed back in her house and she didn't want to see me by my DP who was still living there while saving a deposit for our own home. I continued living with my family two hours away until we found somewhere to live by which point was this time last year. We had to live near his family rather than mine due to his work comitments. I didn't see his family until I was a few weeks close to my due date by which point they acted distant but not hostile and nothing was mentioned other than they had bought X Y & Z for my unborn daughter (who they now seemed willing to accept existed) I kept the peace for my DP's and unborn child's sake and sucked it up.
Since my daughter was born I have had nothing but unwanted comments about my parenting skills and pressure to leave her alone and over night with his parents. They hate my breastfeeding as it means she cant be away from me longer than a few hours and she has always refused a bottle.
His mother has not directly spoken to me in all the times I've seen her, talks to DP or DD but never to me and won't look me in the eye if I address her. She has never once contacted me about arranging to see DD or coming over to my house to spend some time with her she only wants either to have her alone or with DP present and it to be at her house on her time and when she's available. If she doesn't get her own way she argues with DP and calls her husband, older son, sisters etc and cries about how I'm preventing her from having a relationship with her own granddaughter and I'm controlling her son and ruining the family.
I'm at my wits end! Me and DP argue about them constantly and although he agrees she's trying to turn everyone against me he says there's nothing anyone can do because she always wins and she'll never back down.
When I ask him to have my back he throws in my face any our recent arguments, or says he can't cut off his family because he's scared they're going to be right about me all along and I'll leave him.
He came back from his brother and sister in laws house a few hours ago mad as hell at me because he's been having to "defend me again" and there's only so much more he can take. I'm supposed to be spending Xmas with these people and they all hate me, when I pointed this out to him he told me he knew I would try and find a way our of it and that's what they've all been saying I'll do. To keep my daughter away and ruin everyone's Xmas.
I can't win! I feel like maybe it's time I consider cutting my losses and leaving him completely and moving back near my own family because I'm feeling so lonely and anxious up here with no support and a "mother in law" (for lack of a better word) who won't stop until we break up or I do as she says all the time and be bullied into submission.
Sorry for the long post, but any advice would be greatly received.
(I had orginally posted in WWYD but adevised to move thread her)
Jeez you poor thing. It would be one thing if your DP was supporting you, but he isn't. I'm sure someone wiser will be along with better advise, but I certainly wouldn't be going to his families for Christmas!
I hate to be cynical but do you know for a fact that your DP's mother is behaving in this way or do you only have his word for it?
That's a really important question because if she is a jealous control-freak, and if DP acknowledges this then your relationship may be salvageable, and merely suffering from the temporary strains of parenthood. However if he's not telling the truth....
I would go to your family for a break at least over Xmas and when you are in a calmer situation speak to your partner about all this away from them all. You dont need to spend your xmas with people who are this hostile, especially with a 6 month old. I think if he can put you and your daughter first and his family second then you have a good chance, if it was me I would want to move away from them. This is classic crazy in law behaviour, it sounds really bad! If he doesn't defend you enough and blames you for this not them, doesn't prioritise you over them, then of course eventually you are going to leave him, it won't be because they are 'right about you'. It might be that he will understand the situation he faces and want to choose you over them eventually but he isn't there yet. But if it was me I would under no circumstances be spending Xmas with people who have been so horrible to me, go and BF in peace with your family.
He's totally in thrall to her. Which isn't particularly surprising as she's had decades of practice.
If he hasn't got your back, then this is a fight you can't ever win. He's being torn in two, and meanwhile you're suffering the consequences.
In your position I'd cut my losses and leave. These people really don't sound worth your while. Not any of them
I wonder what he's saying to his DM about you? Sounds very much like he's shit stirring, which would explain why she has taken against you.
Pack your things now and move back to your mum and dad, enjoy a lovely Christmas.
As always, your problem is with him, not with your in laws.
I'd not put up with anyone dishing out crap to my DH. Why isn't your partner like that with you?
If he can't step up and give you the emotional love and support you need then you need to go where you can get it.
I wouldn't have in my house, or visit, anyone who refused to talk directly to me or look at me, much less anyone who dished out constant criticism.
Having said that, as others have said, your DH is the problem really. I'd happily tear strips off my parents if they treated him like this.
Take your daughter to your parents for Christmas and have a nice time. Your DH will have plenty of time and space to decide who he wants to stand up for.
Go home to your parents for Christmas and leave DP and his family to their dramas.
As a PP said, I find it very odd that when you lived with DP's family you thought you got on well with them but when you came back your DP suddenly had all these negative stories about how they felt about you. That didn't ring true.
For whatever reason, it's suiting your DP to have you all at loggerheads and the outcome of that is you feel lonely and unsupported. He's being very manipulative. He's treating you badly then saying oh if you go away then what they said about you is true . It's a double bind which is meant to leave you unable to act because if you leave them you're 'proving them right' but in the meantime if you stay, you're giving him and them carte blanche to do what they like. That's all too much like game-playing for me.
Tell him that he doesn't have to defend you again because he's obviously shit at it and so you're going back to your parents.
Life and love doesn't have to be this dramatic.
From your MILs point of view, you got pregnant very early on in the relationship, quit work and made your boyfriend the sole earner even though he didnt want to be. Her main concern is her son as it should be. Jusb the same as you will want to protect your own child as they grow.
He shouldn't be made or forced to choose between his girlfriend or mother.
What you do need to work on is your relationship issues, it only sounds like your wants and needs are important and he has to comply. Without a solid relationship, there is no strong foundation to help when hurdles come along.
Yes, you should just walk away with your 6 month old daughter. Not because your partners family hate you, but because your partner is enmeshed and will not defend you.
I am sure you will be far happier away from them all.
If your partner cannot say no to his mummy then there really is no future for you in terms of a relationship.
Autumn it takes two to get someone pregnant. I'd argue MIL's main concern should be raising a son who is a good man not working out how to protect him from the responsibilities inherent in having a DC with your DP.
Dp needs to deliver an ultimatum - stop behaving like an arse or she will never evet see him or her grandchild. If she can't find some respect or at least feign civility then she is persona non grata.
She acts like this because she is permitted to. Take your baby to your family for Christmas - remin yourself what a family who doesn't resemble the Borgia's is like.
They need to earn the right to be part of your family.
Sorry you're stuck in such a nasty situation.
Go home to your family for Christmas, OP. I must admit your DP sounds very much like a waste of space.
You cant win this one so walk away and stop playing the daft games.
My MIL is identical and my solution works brilliantly. I dont see or speak to them. I dont go to their house and they do not step foot in mine. I have no intrest in the latest drama or who said what about me. DP is still engrosed in the drama but he knows better than to mention it or them to me. I have far far better things to do with my time than listen to the details of the latest squabbles.
The most recent one I had was a family wedding. Dp obviously wants me and the DC to go. I refuse to be hypocritical and play happy families with people who cannot be civil to me.
Detatch OP. They are not your family. You do not have to see them, amd neither does your DC. You'd be mental to spend xmas day with people who do not like you!
Have a lovely day at home, or stay with your parents. Allow DP to do whatever he likes, but his fanily are nothing to do with you and you are under no obligativon to speak to them, value their opinion or even listen to what they have said about you.
says he can't cut off his family because he's scared they're going to be right about me all along and I'll leave him.
Self-fulfilling prophecy. He's going to allow his family to keep forcing you away until you finally have enough, then he and his family can assure each other 'See! We said that she'd leave!' He is a part of this. Does he enjoy gossip and drama, and beinf the centre of attention? Is he feeding this in some respects?
I'd finish things and get back to my home town.
You are being bullied. I wouldn't expect anyone to take that.
The main problem is with your DH. If he is prepared to bitch about/listen to others bitch about you, the relationship is doomed. Who cares what he's afraid of. He can't expect a relationship if he doesn't treat you decently. I suspect it's too far gone for you both because he has clearly spent so much time focusing on your flaws and discussing them with his family. It's the opposite of love. However, I'd probably give him one last chance to see this and work on it.
Regarding Christmas, it's just a day. You can do what you like next year when your DD when will be much more fun and you'll probably be in a different life. I wouldn't go against them this year, personally, because it's the same as giving them licence to hate you.
If you're serious about trying to tackle this you need to call your MIL and start having serious, pleasant, firm chats with her about what her issues are with you and also be very firm about finding mutually convenient times.
What they don't get is that you hold all the cards - your DD. A good relationship with you is the key to a good relationship with their grandchild. Why would you want to spend time with people who are poison?
Having said that - are you sure it comes from them? It is not inconceivable (and he happened on here before) is that he is spinning both you and his family different lies. For some reason known only to him.
You read Susan Forward's book 'Toxic In-laws' and he reads Susan Forward's 'Toxic Parents'
Then go from there.
Go home this Christmas.
Sorry such an awful, headfucky situation op
he told me he knew I would try and find a way our of it and that's what they've all been saying I'll do
If they bitch and bitch and bitch about you, then yes you'll want to find your way out of spending Xmas with them. Cause and effect. They are correct. What's wrong with that? Why would anyone expect anything different?
Give her what she wants. Your p doesn't have your back, blames you for 'having to defend' you instead of blaming his family for being nasty people.
Go back to your roots, lean on your family. If he wants you, he knows where to find you and what he needs to do.
Pack your things tomorrow when he's at work and go back to your parents' home. They sound like a bunch of nutcases, and that includes your partner. Thank god you're not married to him.
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