Realising how the men in my life have messed with my head

[Scornedwoman67]

Ladies- I need some serious talking to. Long story which i'll try to keep as brief as possible...
Exh who I was with for 15 years left me for a younger woman he worked with. I clung to him like a pathetic limpet for a year whilst he lied & minimalised. Started as them being 'just friends', then admitted it had 'happened once but meant nothing'....I wanted to believe him & when I finally discovered it had been going on for much longer and loads of his colleagues knew I was devastated. Two young dc's and a man I thought I'd grow old with. That was eight years ago and in the interim period I've had a handful of short term relationships and in every case they've either lied about themselves or had 'issues'
The last one four years ago was the brother of a friend. On the outside a nice professional single dad. The second time I slept with him he revealed (without warning) he liked strangulation & I nearly passed out. It was horrible. I'm now a seriously screwed up woman. I have a great job I enjoy, two great nearly-adult dc's a nice house and lots of lovely friends. I've also just started seeing a lovely man who is in a similar position to me. But my self confidence is gone.I just don't believe for one second he can possibly find me attractive. I look for every small sign that he has lost interest in me, analyse every text to look for a hidden sub-text, replay every conversation in my head. I look at other women and ask myself why he would want me when all these others are slimmer/ prettier/ younger than me.We have an amazing time together & (apologies if tmi) the sex is the best I've ever had. He literally makes my stomach flip. It's doing my head in. I think I hide it quite well & manage to appear cool & calm...but I should be enjoying this and I can't. How can I sort myself out? I know it's ridiculous but I almost feel like I'd be better on my own forever & then no man will ever hurt me again. Advice/talk some sense in to me please?

[Sweetsweetjane]

I'm not going to be much help but just wanted to say, I have similar issues, always picking liars, losers or freaks. I know my self esteem is shot (never had it to start with).
I also know that I give men way more chances than many would.
I am learning to trust my judgement and most recent relationships have ended sooner than they normall would because my bullshitometer is starting to work at last.
I still rush into things and ignore early warning signals but am getting better.

Good luck with your new chap x

[Sweetsweetjane]

Always listen to your gut and intuition. I ignore them at my peril.

[Scornedwoman67]

Thanks Jane. Sorry you have had similar issues. What I struggle with now is where the gut instinct/bullshitometer ends and the paranoia/screwed-up-in-the-head/emotional damage merge. I really don't want to screw this up because of past pillocks!

[lavenderhoney]

What are you trying to hide? Sorry if I'm being dim but you've managed to meet a nice man, sex is nice, comoanioshio is nice - what's the problem!

[lavenderhoney]

Oh - I see- well, then the only advice is to take things slowly. This weeds out chancers, and also make you stay independent thereby making better decisions.

There's no rush, and both yourself and he are free to change your minds at any point. It's probably best to take things slowly, lots of nice walks etc, and cultivate a life anyway which is sustainable when single. Just in case. Risk assesment, in a way.

[ThisIsStillFolkGirl]

jane good advice, inless you can't trust your gut instinct because it's been skewed.

[Sweetsweetjane]

Yeah I have total trouble telling what's in my head paranoia and what's real, have had a lot of counselling to help.
My judgement is very skewed based on the parenting I had from two very deceitful parents. Completely fucked my head and discernment.

I notice a lot of my relationships have been tiring and draining.

I now take that as a sign something's wrong and it always turns out my gut has been shouting loud and I've ignored it until the truth comes out.
Have I just chosen a high proportion of compulsive liars or am I just more sensitive to lies than some people?
Either way, my instincts are always right.

I am in danger of becoming a jaded cynic. Keep attracting these liars and I am almost ready to give up on men.

[pocketsaviour]

How long have you been seeing this new fella, OP?

[hefzi]

Go for counselling would be my advice - and explore the issues surrounding your previous relationships, and your feelings about yourself: also, listen to your gut feelings.