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Does my DP have a toxic relationship with MIL and if so can we move past it as a couple?

(19 Posts)
sodapop2 Mon 30-Nov-15 20:47:07

Does my DP have a toxic relationship with MIL and if so can we move past it as a couple? MIL is becoming increasingly malicious and I am struggling to know where to go from here. Included background to show the relationship between MIL and DP.

MIL used tell DP between age 9-13 that she was going to leave his dad
DP saw his dad hit his mum on a few occasions
MIL 'blamed' DP for not visiting her in hospital prior to an operation when he was 19 - DP says his dad told him it was better not to go (either way DP isn't the sort of person to not be there for his mum so if anything it was an error in judgement, nothing malicious)
When DP was 7, his dad forgot his mum's birthday. When there was the inevitable argument, DP realised and found a pen in his bedroom and wrapped it up to give to his mum - she threw it back in his face
Since we have lived together, MIL has called DP 4 times crying, telling him about a friend/aunt/neighbour she has fallen out with - I don't think this shows she is a particularly stable person
MIL said that she no longer wants me to visit and would rather just see DP - I've said this is fine but I feel like it is quite odd
2 weeks ago we made an offer on a house and MIL cried to DP saying she didn't want to live on her own and it was 'too soon' for us to buy a home
Last weekend DP and I went to the cinema then called in to see MIL on our way home and she went mad saying I was controlling because we hadnt invited her to see the film
A month ago I used the toilet in MIL's house and heard her telling DP he should ignore sodapop's needs and if he wanted to move back in with her for space then he could save money.

DP never defends me, which only makes MIL worse. He says he cant upset her.

Things seem to get worse as time goes on. Would you stay or call it a day? I'm 29 and we planned our life together but this is making our life miserable.

sodapop2 Mon 30-Nov-15 20:48:26

Oh and the house fell through and now DP wants to wait to buy...

Berthatydfil Mon 30-Nov-15 20:50:02

Run run run

mintoil Mon 30-Nov-15 20:50:52

The hills are THAT way OP - RUN!!!!!!!

LineyReborn Mon 30-Nov-15 20:51:16

I would call it a day.

Justmuddlingalong Mon 30-Nov-15 20:54:15

The house sale falling through could be a blessing in disguise. They sound unhealthily dependent on each other. Think long and hard about what a future with this man would look like. flowers

sodapop2 Mon 30-Nov-15 20:56:17

thankyou for replies.

it stings even more because i have been SO nice to the woman. i've included her in everything from day one.

i just can't cope with the nastiness and the weird hold she has on DP. i also shouldnt have to convince a man in his twenties not to listen to his mother about buying a home with his partner.

AtSea1979 Mon 30-Nov-15 20:56:25

Call it a day.
DP must know what she's like as presumably he's the one that's told you his childhood stories. But if he can't back you it's a no go.

sodapop2 Mon 30-Nov-15 20:57:40

atsea its taken 2 years to know these snippets. there will be lots more that i dont know as DP is very closed off.

he always always backs MIL even when she is completely out of order

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 30-Nov-15 20:59:38

You can't live with someone who won't even verbally defend you. He can't upset her but he can upset you. Nice.

Justmuddlingalong Mon 30-Nov-15 21:02:48

Walk away, let him move back in with his DM. The future you want and deserve is not with him.

ImperialBlether Mon 30-Nov-15 21:14:14

Run! He can't upset someone who's upsetting you. That's going to be awful long term.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer Mon 30-Nov-15 21:34:08

RUN.

DP never defends me, which only makes MIL worse. He says he cant upset her

he always always backs MIL even when she is completely out of order

he has one woman in his life, his mum. That's blunt but accurate.

What is going to happen if you have a child? what is she going to be like towards you then?

what is your DP going to do when she gets nasty?

this isn't about you, soda, not about you being nice, nasty or 'deserving' this. She will be like this with anyone becuase any female is a threat to her. Don't take it personally because it isn't.

But your DP is going to choose her every ... single ... time over you, on track record. He isn't even at the beginning of a fight to develop his independence. He's also a bad bet if he is closed.

If you stay with him, you're in for a three-person triangle between you, him and his mother. He'll almost certainly choose her over you.

this is all a shock, but take a good long look at the writing on the wall.

firesidechat Mon 30-Nov-15 22:46:18

Have you posted about this before? It sounds very familiar.

firesidechat Mon 30-Nov-15 22:48:32

Did you mil suggest that she buy a house with your partner instead or some such thing?

FrancisdeSales Mon 30-Nov-15 23:04:39

It might be familiar because it does happen quite a lot sadly. I have only after 20 years realised the hold my MIL has on DH. As another posted said I try not to take things too personally as she can't cope with the partners of any of the three people she is most dependent on DH, his SIS and MIL's twin. She is horrible to all the partners and cannot cope that she is no the center of all decision making.

In my case DH does side with me rather than his mum but then she blames me for anything which he does which she doesn't like (apparently he can't have a mind of his own but must always be manipulated by someone).

TracyBarlow Mon 30-Nov-15 23:07:49

I recognise this scenario too firesidechat. Rings massive bells.

firesidechat Tue 01-Dec-15 09:20:39

It's not just the scenario Francis, it's the way it's written that rings bells.

firesidechat Tue 01-Dec-15 09:35:22

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2376565-Am-I-naive-in-thinking-this-MIL-problem-will-change

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