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Criminal Records and Dating/Relationships

(17 Posts)
Serioussteve Sun 29-Nov-15 09:14:14

I was going to nc for this but fuck it.

How important is declaring a criminal record, whether OLD, LTR, marriage etc.

Obviously there are many types of records, but let's take all sex crimes, all crimes against children and custodial sentences off the table.

Is honesty the best policy, or better to keep schtum?

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Sun 29-Nov-15 09:20:09

I think honest is the best policy to.allow the person involved to decide whether the criminal record is a deal breaker for them.

There are loads of crimes not covered in the OP for which I'd dump them on the spot if I found out.

No point wasting yours or anyone else's time.

SolsburyHell Sun 29-Nov-15 09:22:49

I wouldn't expect you to announce a caution for shoplifting on your first date but yes, if you are starting to get serious with someone, then I think you should raise a criminal past.

twirlypoo Sun 29-Nov-15 09:23:30

I have a caution, I tend to tell people when it's getting serious but not fully serious (if that makes sense?!) so around the same time of the exclusive chat. My caution was due to a lot of other factors in my life (I was being abused and a whole load of other crap!) which I have i explain at the same time really or it makes no sense. I am luckily pretty open about it, but I start to feel like I'm deceiving people if we grow too close without me mentioning it.

I don't know if that helps any? I hope your ok flowers

SolsburyHell Sun 29-Nov-15 09:25:45

And as the pp says there are plenty of other offences that show a propensity for violence, dishonesty etc that aren't on your list but are significant in making a decision to become involved with someone.

Serioussteve Sun 29-Nov-15 10:41:57

My DP of many years is aware of my record, one of her parents has found out (I have no fucking idea how), and is applying extremely significant amounts of pressure for her to leave me.

My crime was trivial (and a long time ago), the categorisation and my sentence were not.

MythicalKings Sun 29-Nov-15 10:44:14

If your partner knows then everyone else needs to mind their own business.

NeuNewNouveau Sun 29-Nov-15 10:52:34

Unfortunately it is difficult to describe your crime as trivial if you describe the categorisation and sentence as not trivial. You do realise that there is a massive contradiction there?? The sentence tends to go with the offence, if they have proven an offence that is not trivial then it wasn't trivial survey. And sentencing goes along fairly strict guidelines so unlikely to be disproportionate to what was proven.

Really depends on what the offence is to me. A caution for shoplifting age 15 is very very different from armed robbery (not suggesting that is your crime), and accordingly I would want to know earlier he more serious the crime is.

All the above said, your partner has accepted the crime and you have done your time so her parents shouldn't have anything to do with it.

Good luck.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 29-Nov-15 10:55:44

Agreed, if your DP is ok with it, then she has to tell her parents to butt out.

My DP has mentioned involvement with the police in the past (no record or charges made) for fighting etc. but always painted himself as the victim and said how the police were nice to him and understanding.

He was up front about it early on (I think seeing it as some kind of badge of honour that he was sticking up for his friends or something) but I'm glad I was able to make an informed decision about whether to be with someone who had a propensity for fighting in the past!

TheTigerIsOut Sun 29-Nov-15 10:55:54

Honesty all the way, as soon as the things start to get serious/exclusive.

ImperialBlether Sun 29-Nov-15 10:56:25

It's hard to imagine doing something minor, eg pushing someone, and having it categorised as GBH and the perpetrator being given a ten year sentence.

HPsauciness Sun 29-Nov-15 11:13:59

If your partner is aware, that's all that is needed. You haven't deceived them. If the parent then tries to get involved, it is none of their business. I can imagine feeling very angry and wanting to interfere as a parent in this situation, but ultimately our children are adults and it is up to them to decide if this is ok or not, even if I had my own opinion.

I am slightly worried by your statement that the crime was nothing but the sentence/label is otherwise, it is what it is (e.g. if GBH)- no point in trying to downplay it, it's up to your partner if she can live with this knowledge.

Serioussteve Sun 29-Nov-15 11:14:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toffeelatteplease Sun 29-Nov-15 11:23:42

You just have to see how it pans out.

Everyones deal breaker is different and, rightly or wrongly, everyone will have an opinion. Rightly now it will be to your credit if you can be entirely honest (even if you, again rightly or wrongly, believe it isn't anyones business) then give your DP the space to figure out what she feels.

You could well find the pressure from your DPS family backfires if you play your cards right now

Human beings can forgive/overlook a lot given the right space to do so.

HPsauciness Sun 29-Nov-15 11:36:16

Why is your partner even taking any notice of the parent? Surely they either can or can't life with this and after all those years, they should be wanting to defend your relationship? I know someone who had a conviction for a way worse case of deception, she was always honest about it at work and elsewhere (in case of references) and went on to have a happy family life, it really has been all in the past.

I hope it works out for you.

Oysterbabe Sun 29-Nov-15 11:58:02

I can think of few crimes committed as an adult that I'd be OK with tbh. Many people will think differently. You owe them to be upfront so they can decide.

CloakAndJagger Sun 29-Nov-15 12:11:27

My DP has a record. He was open about what it was and how it happened it when we met and let me decide whether to carry on seeing him. I did.

If he'd have lied and hidden it from me, and I then found out, it would've been a deal breaker as it meant he was a liar.

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