A "joke" proposal? (Long)

[JeetleBuice]

Hi, I'm a regular poster but I've NC (hopefully) as DP knows my username. Sorry but this is gonna be quite long with a lot of I said/he said.

Me and DP have been together almost 2 years, we are very happy together, very much in love. We don't live together at the moment but are currently slowly saving up for a deposit (we both work but have credit card/loan debts; not a significant amount of debt but enough to mean there's hardly any spare cash as we're trying to scrape together every penny- a typical deposit around here is about £2k and that's 6 weeks wages for us)

The past month or so, DP has been saying things like "we should get married" "I'd love to marry you" in a jokey/sweet way but saying it quite often. I usually laugh it off.

Last weekend this is quite embarrassing but sweet he was cuddling me saying "you're so beautiful, you're perfect, I'd love to marry you" and I responded with "I love you too, and I'd marry you tomorrow if I could"

DP was quite surprised (because I've always been quite non commital about his comments) and said "would you honestly?"

So, we started talking about it and he's asking things like "where would I buy an engagement ring? How much would they cost?" Etc and then said "Well, when I sell my car next week, I'll use X amount to pay off my bills and then we'll go shopping for an engagement ring"

I laughed and joked "You'll have to get my dads permission first and get down on one knee" but we were laughing and things felt really good.

Fast forward to this weekend, and we were talking and he starts with the "wife" jokes and then says "I'm only joking, I'd never propose until we were living together" and he seemed serious.

I feel a bit stupid saying this, but I feel gutted! I've been thinking about getting engaged all week and getting excited about it and now he's said that I don't know how to feel.

I think him actually saying about going to look/buy a ring on a specific date is way too far if it's a joke.

I'm supposed to be going to his later and I don't know whether to mention how I feel or not. The last thing I want is to get engaged because he feels backed into it or just to keep me happy. It almost feels like last weekend he said too much/got too excited and is back tracking. And I really don't think he's trying to throw me off the scent/arranging it secretly as a surprise.

I just really want to say how bad it's made me feel and not to mention marriage/engagement again until he's ready!

Any advice would be really appreciated

[Threefishys]

If you really want to get married I'd make that a caveat of you buying a house together now tbh.

[JeetleBuice]

We're not buying a house together, we're saving up for a rental deposit

[whostheJohnsonnow]

If you don't feel confident bringing this up with him then you aren't ready for engagement.

It's really odd behaviour on his part, and I would want to discuss it.

[EssentialHummus]

I think you're both sending each other unclear signals with the jokey behaviour. So, for example, you saying he'd have to get dad's permission could be interpreting as, "Hey, I'm not ready yet."

I think that - as much as it's less fun, jokey, romantic - you need to have a serious chat about what you want and expect from him ("I was thinking about that conversation we had and I'd really love for us to get engaged after we move in together. Would you want that?"). Otherwise you're both just trying to reach each other's quite mixed signals, and it's easy enough to misinterpret one another.

[EssentialHummus]

*interpreted

[pocketsaviour]

TBH it's such a naive idea to get engaged before living together that he would probably be surprised if he realised that you actually took it seriously.

I wouldn't mention it specifically unless he starts with the joking around again, then you just say something like "I'll agree to marry you when you buy me a car" or something. something that's obviously a joke. Right?

[kittybiscuits]

Why wouldn't you take it seriously OP? He was testing the water and when he got a warm response he backed off. If he is happy to play mind games like this, are you sure you want to move in with him?

[CalleighDoodle]

If he starts to mKe the jokey comments again, dont go along with it. Serious face tell him not to mKe jokes about etring married. You dont want to hear about it again until he means it.

[lighteningirl]

Get engaged whenever you want you don't have to have moved in together! I think he wants to but thinks you don't as hard as it is you need to say I am a bit gutted I thought we were actually getting engaged please tell me honestly where I stand.

[alphabook]

If you can't have a serious conversation about your future then you're definitely not ready to get engaged. I would ask him how he actually feels about it, and that you're a bit confused that he seems to be saying something different to what he was saying a few days ago.

[Joysmum]

For goodness sake, quit with the banter and have a proper talk about things.

If you can't comunicate clearly and honestly at this stage then you're going to leave yourselves open to lots of misunderstanding go turning into arguments in future.

That's the recipe for a shaky relationship.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

l wonder if he's backed off so he can pick his moment to propose? I hope you can have a serious discussion.

Living together can shed light on what someone's like more so than just seeing him on dates, no matter how well you think you get along.

[JeetleBuice]

Thanks for all your replies.

I can talk to him about anything, my post was more of a shall I drop it/mention it, is it a bit silly of me to be upset by it (and I wasn't brave enough for AIBU)

I'm going to his in the next half hour and I'm just going to be honest and have a talk about where we are, things we want. And to tell him to quit making jokes about it!

Thanks

[Joysmum]

Good for you OP, you're doing the right thing to share how you feel.

[loveyoutothemoon]

It sounds like he really wants to get engaged but he's not quite ready and he's being sensible to wait until you've lived together for a while. Maybe he shouldn't have mentioned the buying a ring next week. He's been quite clear on the matter and I would leave it for a while otherwise he may feel pushed into doing it and you don't want that.

[CakeMountain]

If you can't talk about EVERYTHING don't get engaged.

[Isetan]

If being engaged is something you want why did you engage in 'jokey' banter about it? I'm sorry but "I can talk to him about anything" as evidenced by this episode, clearly isn't true. I believe you participated in the supposed jokey banter (not sure of his motivation for banging on about something he clearly isn't ready for) because for whatever reason, you aren't confident enough to say out loud that you want marriage (sooner rather than later). Now that he's backtracking, you realise he wasn't as serious as he led you to believe and are hurt that he started and you participated in, the trivialisation of an important subject for you.

Serious subjects warrant serious discussion and if you feel you can't have them, then that is a sign that all is not as good as it should be in your relationship. You were as bad as him for continuing a light hearted discussion about something that you regard as important. Use your obvious upset as a catalyst to resolving not to do that again.

This is exactly the type of miscommunication that you need to have and to work through before you shell out thousands on living together and it's just as important, to question and acknowledge your role in this episode.